Damn.

I just don't get it.
Kevin Rudd shouldn't come back as the prime minister.
Why do people still believe that Kevin would make a better prime minister than PM Gillard?
Every time she tries to do the right thing, someone criticizes or gets in her way to sabotage the plan. Don't anyone think something smells funny?
Australia's a bloody sexist country. Yep, blokes' world with probably more in-closet chauvinists than Asia. Not just that, there are millions of women who hate other high-achieving women.
I see them everywhere.

Just get over it.
All those people who didn't want boat people to come near Australian shore suddenly are turning softie humanitarians and against the idea of the Gillard government trying to re-open the detention centre in Nauru and Malaysia solution.
There is no damn humane solution to stop the illegal immigrants from coming to Australia. Only way to stop the boats from arriving is a TOUGH solution.

Also, to anyone who believes Tony Speedo Abbot can actually repeal the carbon tax, or Kevin Rudd can do that - don't you see that it is a massive bullshit? Sooner or later the carbon tax would've been introduced and it just happened to be Julia Gillard who's done it and that's all, someone would've had to do it anyway whether it's popular or not.
When Kevin Rudd was the prime minister and was pushing the idea of carbon tax, the petrol price was record high, so was the government debt and it just wasn't the right time.
Sure, the bill gets higher, which would've happened even without carbon tax - not one of us wants to pay higher energy bills, but the introduction of this tax was a matter of when rather than if. She just did it because she believed she had to do it, because she thought it was the right thing to do.
She saved the future prime minister's arse by being the bad guy - and no one wants to be a bad guy or courageous enough to be a bad guy. Scumbag energy companies and whoever becomes a prime minister after her can pass the buck on her and the general public will blame her for all the unpopular political decisions.

I can see Julia Gillard working her guts out, and yet her effort coming to nothing, not being able to win supports from discriminatory large demographic of this country, which seems to be taking a heavy toll on her psych from the looks of her.
No, don't back off Julia.
You deserve better.
Way, way better.

Or maybe, Australia will finally come to appreciate you when you're long gone.
I guess that Australians are not quite ready for a gutsy red-haired female prime minister yet.

Sorry, I've ranted too much and too loud.

I'm the chairman of the BORED.

There is an autobiography of some old rock star sitting on our kitchen table.
Behind the cover is a photo of the guy snorting cocaine or something, followed by a brief description of the book.
A journey of his past.
Bad behaviour. Check.
Bad relationship. Check.
Drug use. Check.
It ticks all boxes, and so much so that it's almost cliche and nothing seems refreshing.

That's why I don't like rock stars' biographies.
Because those bad behaviours in their past have to be included, yep, and have to be included in the summary, too.
The summaries of this kind of books are so similar that sometimes they make it hard for me to identify the star the book is about.

Maybe it's inevitable, because people in the same industry tend to share some sort of behavioral or thinking patterns. Like musicians, writers, painters, actors all have their styles.
Even if your style is very unique, your uniqueness is more often than not, one-dimensional so that after a while it gets harder to keep your success consistent.

Things that were initially radical and/or unique gradually become the norm, so you'll create something more radical and shocking, then someone else will do something even more shocking than you in order to win more publicity.That's part of the reasons I don't buy magazines anymore.
Just flipping through the pages while queuing at supermarket registers is enough to get the picture. There's no story worth reading.

There are few who never pop up in the magazines yet maintain their long carriers, and have successful private lives and their lives intrigue me more than over-exposed celebs.

We audiences are hard to please. We're fickle and get bored very quickly.
A new artist comes and goes in a short space of time, and often I don't even remember their names.
I'm sorry and it's sad.

Is It Your Game?

Do you figure yourself to be:

A good team player or,

A good game player?

Do you think your success is more important, or the success of your team is more important?

That was what I was thinking about while watching a football game last night.

Certainly every team has at least one star player. Some of those stars know how to work with their team, but there are always those want all the attention on them rather than giving other teammates a chance to shine.

The star player might make a great impression to the supporters, but what’s the point if the team loses? Or is he just using the team as a stepping stone to something better? Then he may not be the best anymore.

In a team, you can't always get your way in everything. There are times you'd have to listen to others' criticism, and learn something from it. 

Keep in your mind that there are always someone better than you. You are not always right, and you'd have to understand it, to be better, to achieve something great.

There are different types of game players. Some want to play a game solely to control and manipulate rest of the team. Others may play the game so that they can change the situation in order to make a better team.

I’m not a good game player but with a great team, the team can play a great game.

I would rather be a team player and have the right game player to lead us.

For the peace of my mind?

It is always nice in the countryside.
We step into a local café and enjoy our afternoon tea.

It’s so peaceful and quiet.
Not one inner-city cool-dressed youth comes in sight,
But I see few old couples and the locals here and there.
The quality of food and sweets is excellent.
Just as should be.

You can stay as long as you want.
Nobody will raise a brow.
Forget who you are and embrace the moment of indulgence.
Like the old days.

It’s afternoon, and I’m at home.

It’s the day like this
I remember that afternoon we were at the timbre table
In the sleepy countrytown café,
Where refreshments were refreshing as the name suggests.

It was sunny like today.
Afternoon light is simmering through the blinds.

Uncertainty.

I sit on this chair in this computer room.
Quite a lovely room it is.
I have a lovely husband and a comfortable life.
In the backyard grow many different herbs,
Apricot tree in the front yard, the plum tree in the backyard
both bear plenty of fruits.
Thanks to the consistent rain we have these days.

I have more than I could wish for as someone like myself.
Now with the job I have had over a month.

No - I don't think,
I can ever reveal to anyone at work about my condition.
It's not a volunteer job and there's always the risk where I might lose the job, or get discriminated as a consequence.
This is a perpetual dilemma that haunts me.

I used to have a good job.
I worked hard, pushed myself to the ground, to prove myself at work.
Yes, I tried to convince myself that I was capable of doing what everyone else can.

Epilepsy is a cruel condition, to those who aspire something better.
'You can't get there, sweetie - you wish way more than what you deserve.'

Don't work too hard, because you may have the horrid seizure if you push your limit, but - if you want to prove yourself - you'd have to push your limit anyway, don't you?

- Be satisfied with what you have.
I tell myself.
- I'm luckier than most,
I try to convince myself, and it's indeed true.

Yet at times this sense of vanity imprisons me and depresses me,
that I have wasted my time learning what I don't really need, to gain skills that are no use to me anyway.

You might say, that's not true.
Or you might say, "You have to accept the way it is. Don't expect too much."
It gives pain in my gut.

Be strong, I tell myself again.
A strong doubt enters my heart.
Then my confidence and determination falter.
Then comes the deep depression.
I'm on my way to regression,
I'll only go down if
I give into my weak self.

- Please enlighten me -
I sigh.
I don't know what fair means anymore.
My gut hurts.
- Please enlighten me -

A plea with a little hope.

Frustrated.

That's how I have been feeling ever since the radiation leak from the Fukushima nuclear power plant started getting frequently talked about.

People in Japan had long been lied and deceived by the government and electricity companies as to how clean and safe the nuclear power is.
I myself were admittedly duped by the false legend that Japanese nuclear power plants are the best and the safest in the world.
Of course they weren't. Indeed as it turned out, we have the nuclear power plant rumored to be the most dangerous in the world right on the earth plate. Now people are really alarmed. There's an over-due massive earthquake being anticipated for years in the very area. Some engineers knew the risk but were made to shut up.

Finally, we are waking up. Anti-nuclear power activities are happening now on internet sites and in many places, and yet there are many who still believe that nuclear power is paramount for the stable supply of electricity, that so-called sustainable energy is inconsistent and unreliable.
And that is what we were conditioned to believe, and it proves how effective all the brain washing was, how gullible we had been.

Knocking down all nuclear power plants costs fortune and takes god knows how long.
But it's worth the money and time in the long run. Close it now before it's too late - demolishing is almost impossible, but we can at least shut them down and keep them under control, but it still requires sacrifice of human lives. - No, please no.

In 1991, I was working for an associated undertaking of a certain company who designed nuclear reactors that had an accident, a very serious accident, although at that time I believed it to be a minor problem.
I was young and ignorant, and was involved in re-checking of the technical drawing of the reactors, although I had no special knowledge.
Strangely, at that time, just double-checking what's on the paper didn't seem to me like a big deal and I still don't fully comprehend whether what I did was wrong.
I found out only yesterday that those two particular reactors escaped the worst case scenario by a matter of seconds. A tiny error could cause a fatal accident. That is how dangerous a nuclear power plant is.
The scariest thing is that humans make errors. Truth is even scarier than you would imagine, because it's not the designers and specialists who build the nuclear power plants. They are contractors and sub-contractors from the building industry.

I was shocked when I saw the YouTube clip that shows the hideous truth behind the wall of nuclear power plants, in which people told stories of their experience working in the nuclear power plants without having any idea how high the level of radiation they were exposed to. There must be many such people working in the nuclear power plants who are already contaminated directly, and for a long time, and died or developed severe illnesses over decades.

Truths have been covered up, the facts have been falsified and there might be many more people holding their mouth shut for the sake of keeping peace with the government and the employers.

God, if we don't shut down those nuclear power plants, it's not just people but the entire earth would have to suffer.
Do you think that I'm exaggerating it?
Is there really nothing we can do?
Now people outside Japan are scared to death of Japan, not just because of the aftershocks but for the fear of exposed to radiation.
Who can blame them? No one.

"Imagine the damage it costs to our life-style and our already fucked economy."
Some people might rebuke those who voice against nuclear power.
But the long-term damage it brings to our land, people and the economy must be even bigger.

I wonder if Japan's feudal society, the long-time trend of people in power holding too much control over all the important decisions are casting shadows on the anti-nuclear power activity. Many powerful people have the ego too huge to admit their mistake.

But isn't it the time now they've got to get their shit together, drop their troublesome ego and work together with their enemies to find the solution to this time-consuming, expensive problem?

Hard Lessons

For a little over a week I've been sick from cold. Although now the symptoms are gradually dissipating, I copped it pretty bad this time.

My immune system is low due to the medication I've been on for a long time and once someone around me starts coughing, I pick up the virus almost on the spot, and the fact no one wears mask here in Australia doesn't help me either.
I really should've had the flu shot that my friends repeatedly told me to, now I'd have to hear her say "I told you so"...
You see Japanese people wearing masks everywhere during winter (now for the different reason as well), which looks probably weird to general public here. So I don't wear it either to avoid looking like a terrorist.

As for the other reason now my country people wearing masks; the high level of radioactive substances in the air - I think it's rather ridiculous since wearing mask alone doesn't prevent people from radiation exposure. They should really be covering most of their body AND wearing the mask to minimize the exposure, it shouldn't be too hard since it's still cold up in north.

Radiation permeates into their skin and hair from being outside, taking bath, etc., and enters their body from ingesting food and drinking water as well.

Here I start to wonder which is more risky, to avoid breathing in the contaminated air and eating contaminated food, etc., or eat and drink, going for a walk on sunny days as you normally would.
Wouldn't you think the latter is healthier than getting stuck inside and not eating and drinking or bathing enough?
Or should they all move out of the unofficial danger zone as well?
Sure there are people who need to move away from the area, like aged people, newborn or expecting mothers, but what will happen if everyone starts moving to other safer areas?

It's depressing and tormenting to read Japanese newspaper everyday, and having to listen to people around me talk and ask me about Fukushima nuclear power plant, besides my relatives live in Fukushima. As a Japanese I really appreciate all the help from people all over the world, but it can be hard sometimes to hear something as bad as this all the time.

March brought us too many catastrophes and pain, but April is time for a new start.
Probably we've learned a lot from tragedies and mistakes by now. Maybe we can put the new-born wisdom to good use.

Well, for me I definitely should get a flu shot.

Lessons are often hard to learn.

Freaky fluke.

It has been a long time since I last updated my blog.
I know, it was nearly one month ago.
I still haven’t got around to editing the rest of my short story.
Meanwhile, too many sad news came along my way.

Earthquakes, floods and people around me dying all happened at once, as if it were a chain of freaky coincidences.

Maybe it has something to do with the strong lunar energy around 18th of March, when moon came closest to earth in 18 years. Or it could be the ominous sign of “end of the world” like some say. In the worst case scenario, predicted a friend of mine that the world comes to end within 5 years.

The number of catastrophes happening around the world is too alarming to pass it as just fluke tragedies.

Whatever starts must end.
There was an advanced civilization long before the emergence of the Neanderthal, said Charles Berlitz in his book “the Bermuda triangle” first published in 1975.
The human civilization ended once, due to the balance of environmental system collapsed. The obsession for the technological advancements led to human being destroying themselves.
What’s happening now looks worryingly resembled to what presumably took place tens of thousands of years ago.

When one dies, I believe, the soul goes back to where it came from – the universe.
Even if the life ends and the soul coming out of its body, the spirit goes afloat in the space somewhere and enters into the body again when it’s ready to restart a life from scratch.
We all make mistakes, we often say.
However, some of which are irreversible and deadly.

Are we going to make the same mistakes that humans from the lost civilization made?
Is it too late to make the miracle happen?

The prayers to god may not be enough to save the world.

I'd have to bitterly admit:
We can't go backwards.
We are too used to the convenience which we take for granted.
I won't say it is a futile effort that the world is now making.
Not one effort is a waste of time and money.

But - if the human civilization to end once again, it will give the nature to rejuvenate and create the ideal balance that living creatures require to survive.

I will, in the meantime, live my life the best I can, be happy and content, take my part in saving natural resources and let the fate take its course.

A mobile phone should be just a mobile phone.

It is getting harder to find a new mobile phone that is solid, simple and long-lasting. 

Do you agree?

The last mobile phone I had was Motorola Razr V3, which I used for 3 years. It started experiencing minor reception issue before I eventually upgraded to my current mobile phone, but was still sort-of working. 
It was the first camera phone I owned. 

As far as I can remember there weren't many people around me who had a camera phone 10 years ago, and yet now in 2011, Nokia is selling this 12 mega-pixel camera phone and I find myself getting dissatisfied with the 3.2 mega-pixel camera phone I have. 

The clearer the image definition is the better.

And a mobile phone with 12 mega-pixel lens? 
Bloody Oath! 

However there is one thing I hate about all the latest camera phones. 

That is - a good camera phone is not just a camera phone anymore.
It’s more like a mini-computer that comes with phone, digital camera, GPS, mobile internet, radio and MORE.

Worse even, if you want a 12-mega-pixel camera phone, you'd have no choice but to put up with the myriad features you don’t need or use.

I was researching on some latest mobiles that I was interested in, and read many people’s reviews complaining of the phone switching off itself out of nowhere, the reception dropping, the screen freezing and its short battery life. 
Gee, I mean - what do you expect? 

The bottom line is, no matter how many functions it has, it is still a mobile phone - a mobile phone that is overloaded with too many apps that eat up bites and battery life. So? What do you think would happen if you multitask on what essentially is a phone? 

When I first bought my new mobile phone, I was immediately excited and used FM radio and music player, and I thought “COOL!”, but the excitement waned just as quickly since the battery ran out within a day, and yet if I use it just for calling and txt-ing, the battery lasts at least for 3-4 days no prob.

Anyway, my point is, how easy is it to use Internet using the tiny qwerty keyboard? How entertaining is it to watching TV or movie on the extra-small screen?

How convenient and safe is a GPS that freezes every few minutes?

It is NOT convenient, it is NOT practical.

There are probably many people who would argue my point but who cares?

All I need is a mobile phone! If it comes with a good camera and easy txt-ing feature it would be a great bonus but please!!! Nothing more.

Adding extra apps just puts the price up and makes the device more flimsy. 

And the phone is less likely to last for the 24-month contract period.

My freedom, his freedom and the space between us.

Often when I catch up with my girlfriends I stay out till late (very late) and indulge myself with the freedom similar to what average single girls and guys have.
Plus half the time I never send txt to my husband to let him know either whereabout I am or what time I would be home. Because it would spoil the fun and excitement of smelling the youth and freedom wafting in the air again, the smell that takes me back to my 20s.

"Our relationship needs space and freedom. Lack of these qualities kill the romance."

When we tell this to other people - although it depends on how open-minded those people are, many raise their eyebrows as if to say it is a big scandal.

In Japan the amount of freedom of married women is usually lower than that of married men, which was especially clear in the old days. "A wife should be home when huband comes home." That was the way it was in my parent's generation.

However, I think having my own life is as important as the life of us together.

You may understand this if you have a close friend once-upon-a-time whom you lost touch after he/she found a partner, a girlfriend or a boyfriend.

Well, I understand the difficulty of making time for your friend when you're too occupied with work and other engagements. Saving that time for your partner may seem like the utmost importance, and yes. I find it important, too.
Yet, when I draw a mental picture of us being always together and only having ourselves to share everything, the image becomes unbearable. It suffocates me because "sharing" becomes a duty rather than something special. Having the "quality time together" becomes a routine rather than a precious treat.

Ian and I, are of course a husband and a wife, but also are two separate people.
It's love and life we share, not all our time outside work.
I do not own him or his life. His life is his own which, has become part of our life together.

It always amazes me how Ian's liveliness cheers me up - god, I just don't believe this guy.
The way he gets so excited and talks non-stop, or gets so frustrated and starts chucking tantrums like a kid. After nearly 6 years of our marriage he's still the most infectiously interesting, vibrant and lovable guy in my life. Oh dear, I can't help adoring him. .

You see, I can't kill this character that I love the most. He HAS to stay the way he is.
If I know everything he does, we have nothing to talk about - because there'd be no need to talk. Having his space and freedom keeps him 'alive' in its true sense and gives me the full joy of watching him doing things that he's passionate about, enjoying time with his friends and listening to him talk about it - although I'd have to admit there are times when I only half-listening like when I'm completely utterly flat-out and exhausted. Well, that is excusable isn't it?

I often wonder what the difference between marriage and defactoship is.
Maybe the difference is not that big if not at all. Perhaps I could ask Ian about that.

Last time when I was with my friends, I forgot how late it was and failed to ring him.
Just before midnight when I finally took out my mobile phone, I found this long list of missed calls and txts from him. "Oops." I thought and at the same time I felt so special to find out that he really cares about me.

After all, Ian is my family - I should at least give him a ring to let him know that I'm fine, I'd take a cab home if it gets super late and that I love him.

Life Begins at 40.

It was a week or so ago when I found the article on the veteran Japanese tennis player Kimiko Date-Krumm. 

Until now I didn’t realize that she was the same age as I.

Yesterday I celebrated my 40^th in a pouring rain. 

Ian and I were at the Thai restaurant on Brunswick Street, Fitzroy, watching the people walking up and down the street. 

Lightening flashed and thunder roared. 

Outside, young guys and girls on their way from parties and drinks huddled together under the awning.

Well, the rain was pouring alright, but it was Friday night. There were still heaps of people out, eating and partying, wow-ing at the lightenings, just like we did. 

It was quite amazing.

For some strange reason, 40 was the age I was looking forward to.

January was a horrible month. First there was the tragedy in Queensland, and next was my own DinoDirect debacle. Now I feel sort of content again that I have done all I could.

And I still have a good feeling about this year.

Then again, I haven’t felt doomed for over 5 years.

My turning point was when I met Ian. He was the one who made me stronger and transformed me into a confident, more cheerful type.

I don’t believe in the word “I have no regrets”, not when I’m still half way through my life, not even when I’m nearly there – not until I’m actually there...I mean, at the end of my life.

I have many regrets that I’ve learned a great deal from.

Regrets can turn into challenges, right? 

The next time around, whatever the regret is about, you will do your best to do it right and more often than not, you will (do that right).
If not, you will do it better. 

That way, you take regret away from your life, one by one.

At least that is what I believe.

With Kimiko Date-Krumm, there’s no denying that she doesn’t have the same energy that she had in her 20s, but she has the skills even more developed than at her peak to cover her disadvantages. 

The article written by the guy called Paul McNamee cut right into my heart. 

Which titled, "Life begins at 40." (This is a fabulous writing, check this out.)

In the article he mentioned 1996 Wimbledon semi-final where she had the grueling game against then-world number one Steffi Graff.

I clearly remember watching that game with my eyes glued on the TV screen.

The way that Paul guy summed up the Wimbledon semifinal 1996 was so spot-on that it made me emotional.

When the game was suspended because of "fading light", reasoned by the umpire, I cursed and screamed in my head. It seemed ridiculous as the sun was still high enough…

In that minute, everyone knew that the momentum had gone.

Looking back, I still think she would’ve won that game if the game was played on that night.

During her retirement speech, 26-year-old Kimiko Date put on brave face as she said that she was happy to have achieved as high as she had.

It could've been even higher than what she had imagined herself. 

Back in 1996, I was one of many Japanese who secretly believed that she could make it to world No.1. 

And of course, I blamed her for her crushing under the pressure just like that (although I'm very kind to myself). 

The pressure and expectation must have been too much for young Kimiko Date.

In one of the interviews she had overseas (I think it was in Australia), she told the interviewer that the reason she came back to playing tennis was because her husband hassled her into. 

Come on, Kimiko. He just knew that you wanted to play tennis. He (the German car racer Michael Krumm) just gave you the little push you needed!!!

If 40 is the beginning of the second life, I’m just a new-born.

I don’t know yet what future holds.

I may have more regrets, more lessons to learn from.

I am so clever. I'm so invincible…Oh, AS IF.

Life has just started now, you stupid! :D

Thoughts going on in my mind...

We all have strengths and weaknesses.
Ian's is Farmer's Union Iced Coffee. He just can't seem to live without it.
I can suggest him to cut down on the amount, but I can't push him to stop.

My weaknesses is lack of motivation and commitment, which I often have to remind myself.

There are things that I can't solve.
I can work on my problem as long as that's coming from my own doing,
When someone else is having a problem, I think my helping power is limited.
It's sort of depends on what kind of problem it is and what kind of person that I'm trying to help.

I'm not perfect and no one can expect me to be perfect...so I won't expect you to be perfect either.
But I can't live without you and I would rather live with you with your small problems.

With the recent floods in Queensland, there are few things I will do to help, but still, my power is limited.
No matter how bad it is, it's one of those things that no one can control.
Nature gives you the pleasure as well as torture.

We can't live without it, and we have to live with it.

We're lucky just to be alive and still have things to smile about.

Smiles in my heart.

Ian came back from Tasmania in the midnight.
The date already turned to 25th.

Being so happy to see each other again, we just sat down in the lounge, stayed up for a while and talked. About an hour later I fell into a peaceful slumber.

For the last few days, people everywhere were talking about their holiday plans and party plans. It sure is an exciting time of the year.

Well, I don’t have any such plans. But when I think about what happiness is, it comes to me that just having him is the best thing in my life and what makes me the happiest.

Ian also gave me the Christmas card and a pressie from my sister-in-law.
As usual I opened the Christmas card first, thinking, “Ok, another impersonal Christmas card.”
And then opened the present.

It was a musical box. She knew that I love my musical boxes.
But what made me feel so special was the message on the box.


It said:

A sister opens up her heart,
And spreads love
Far and wide.
Remember there’s
An Angel near,
Forever by your side.


Of course those words are not hers, but she searched something special for me, something so perfect, only for me.

Usually when we talk to each other, there is still some awkwardness that keeps us from talking in an intimate way. But we feel it, that there’s something warm between us, and that at the bottom of our heart, we want to open up to each other at a deeper level.
It just takes some time.

I took the message as her telling me that she knows it, although she doesn’t say that face to face.

Thank you.

 It is the best Christmas ever.

At the end of the day

As I was a kid, my mum always told me that I was hopeless about keep my room tidy. She was a type who worked compulsively, cleaned the house every mornings and nights and kept everything organised. She was super meticulous in every way.

I often felt so knocked out by the fact that I could never keep up to her standards. I couldn't do anything right by her. She kept making the futile effort to bring me into her ideal daughter, who does what she does, how she does and achieves higher than she had. 

Her dream was shuttered when I developed epilepsy, when I failed to pass the entrance exam for Uni. I kept disappointing her by failing to keep my first marriage, and then finally leaving Japan permanently by marrying an Australian guy.

I rebelled, or tried to rebel by ignoring everything she told me to do or not to do. But what she said always stuck in my head. I have to admit some of her advices are very useful. Especially when it comes to organizing and cleaning, she was almost always right.

Day by day I'm getting better at getting things done and keeping my house organized. In the old days I insisted in doing things in my own way, which never worked so well.Now at the age when my mum brought me into this world, I find myself doing the housework the way she was doing - because it works.

I finally surrendered to the fact that I have a lot to thank her for.

My relationship with my family had been somewhat shaky, and it took me a long time coming to understand and appreciate them.

My self-esteem was constantly low in my early years. It was pathetic how I was putting on a brave face and pretending to be mature and strong while in reality feeling inadequate and fearing of rejection non-stop.
This pathetic me still comes up to surface every now and again, but overall I'm heaps happier and content with myself.

At the end of the day the words come up in my mind are
'thank you' and 'love you'.

Going back to the way it started.

Sometimes I still get this familiar sense of discomfort when I write about my private life. Then again, I don't have to if I don't want to, and this blog doesn't have to be about self exposé.
It was my choice to make it something personal.

Initially I took an advantage on the fact that there weren't many readers (which is still true) and wrote my opinions and something more intimate at times.
In retrospect I could only do that because I wasn't translating it into Japanese.

These days, writing a new entry is no different to writing a diary. I've been updating it nearly everyday, but not with the same passion that I had when it started.
I don't exactly remember what my initial intention of setting up this blog was, but I feel that it's heading to something I don't like.

Recently it's getting increasingly hard to come up with something different, partly because I put myself under the pressure to write everyday, if possible. Meanwhile the blog itself is starting to stagnate.

Maybe this changing of the blog site stemmed from my subconscious urge to go back to how it was in the beginning, like writing on a blank page (only hypothetically) with no idea how to start and how it's going to pan out.

By the way my husband's name is Ian, sounds sweet to my ears.
Perhaps I should stop addressing him as 'my husband' as it feels sort of different from what he really is.

Also from now on, I'm going to write only when I feel like and what I really want to write.
It still might turn out something mundane, but let's see how it goes.

I hope it won't put off people who read my blog.
I hope I will see you here, on your blog or somewhere in this cyberspace.

What's the better way to plan and schedule?

Scheduling. That's one thing I can definitely say I'm not good at. At rare occasions where I do make a schedule, I'm too obliged to complete it and lose the much needed flexibility.
Any small distraction can cause me big frustration.

日程を決めること。これはまずワタシが苦手だとはっきり言える。本当にたまに一日の事を計画すると、それに縛られちゃって必要なゆとりがなくなっちゃう。
小さな邪魔ごとが大きな不満になりかねない。

Today's tasks included going to the bank, do some paperwork and so on.
I wasn't feeling too good today, and my head was throbbing but there were things need to be done. However, not everything can be done by myself, sometimes there are more than one party involved in the task and put me on hold until they are ready.

今日やる事の中には銀行に行く事や、書類を書くこととか含まれてたの。
あんまり気分がよくなくって、頭もがんがんしてたけどそれでもやらなきゃいけない事があったのね。 でも自分だけで出来る事ばかりじゃなくて、時には関係者が他にいる場合ってあるじゃない。それでその相手が終わるまで待たなきゃいけない事とか。

"You can't just wait, you really have to hassle them to get things done on time." That's what people around me used to say.

「事を済ませるには待ってるだけじゃだめだよ。相手にプレッシャーかけないと。」ってよく周りに言われたっけ。

Only problem in it is, that I often forget to hassle them especially when I'm wrapped up in my own things.

Recently I started making something like a priority list, although one of which is most likely get dragged on by the other party and it could take like forever before it's finally done.

Probably it's not a bad idea to buy a scheduler.

唯一の問題はね、ワタシ自身が自分の事で手一杯になっちゃって相手への連絡を忘れちゃうって事 。最近、優先リストっていうのかな、作り始めたのね。大概その一つは他の関係者のせいで延び延びになっちゃって永久に終わんないんじゃないかって程時間かかるんだけど。
スケジュール帳買うのも悪くないかもね。

What I should make is a schedule with a 'contingency' plan, well I mean like an alternative plan, so as to stay calm whatever happens..

ワタシに必要なのは、「緊急」プランってか、変更プラン付きのスケジュール。そうすれば何かあっても慌てないでしょ。

On the day like today it's hard for me to stay focused and sharp, but in this way at least I should be able to minimize my frustration and confusion.

今日みたいな日は頭を集中してはっきりさせている事は難しいんだけど、それでもこうすれば不満とか頭の混乱を最小限に抑えられるはず。

Talking of which, I need to make a call first thing in the morning to give someone a reminder.

そういえば、明日の朝一で再確認の電話一本いれなきゃ。

Degrees of hardship.

I got up about mid-day after sleeping nearly a half day. I didn't realise that I was so tired. Suddenly the weather turned sunny and hot that made me feel extremely woozy (especially after cool days in Tasmania). Hope this weather trend won't last much longer.

今日はほぼ半日寝た後、昼ごろ起きた。
こんなに疲れてたとは気づかなかったな。急に天気が良くなって、暑くなったから、すごくだるい感じ。（特にタスマニアでの涼しい日々の後だからね。）こういう天気はあまり長く続いて欲しくないな。

I was feeling low yesterday, and feeling sluggish today. So tomorrow I need to finally do something uplifting. Eating healthy and do some exercise will help me I bet.
Apart from the fried eggplants and daikon raddish with sweet bean paste I ate this afternoon, all I've been eating is rice and noodle. No wonder why I'm feeling like this.

昨日はウツ気味だった。そして今日はバテ気味。
だから明日こそ明るい気持ちになれるような事をしよう。
健康的な食事と適度な運動でずいぶん効果があがるはず。
午後にナスと大根を甘味噌をからめて炒めたものを食べた以外は、ご飯と麺類しかたべてなかったワタシ。だるくなって当然だね。

It's amazing that my body reacts so quickly to such as weather condition and lack of nutrition. I had thought I could pass a few days by eating 2 minutes noodles till hubby comes back. That makes me think about not-so-lucky people living in developing countries. Just to imagine living without clean drinking water and food under the extreme heat (if they are in Africa for example) leaves me wonder how much harder it would be if I were living under the same condition. For me it's an option if I want to starve myself to lose weight.

こんなに早く体が気候とか栄養不足とかに反応するってすごいよね。
ダンナ様が帰ってくるまで数日はインスタント麺でなんとかやってけると思ってた。
で、そんなに恵まれてない発展途上国の人たちはどうなんだろうって。
綺麗なのみ水も、食料もない生活なんて想像するだけでも、ワタシならどうやってそんな環境で生きていけるんだろうって考えちゃう。だって、ワタシにとっては、そういうのって体重を減らすために食料カットしたい時のオプションでしかないもん。

Of course everyone has something emotionally hard to go through to varied degrees at every stages of life, but it's still nowhere near the combination of both emotional burdens and the harsh living condition.

もちろん、誰でも人生のあらゆる時期に程度は違っても苦しい体験とかするけれど、精神的な苦しみと大変な生活環境の両方、というのから比べたら大した事じゃないじゃないよね。

It's no denying that there are pains I suffer, but I'm lucky that I have only my epilepsy to worry about most of the time.

ワタシだって、痛み苦しみとか無いっていったらウソになるけど、殆んどの場合はてんかんの事だけ気をつけてればいいなんてラッキーだと思う。

Thinking about what our mothers mean to us (母への思い。)

I'm going to be 40 in about 3 months, still, it's less than half the age mamam (everyone in her family affectionately call my mother-in-law by this nickname) is.　Like most people, I don't wanna go to a nursing home when the time comes that I need some means of help, which maybe because I'm never going to be a mum.

あと３ヶ月ほどで４０になるワタシ。それでもママン（家族はみんな義母の事をこの愛称で呼んでいる。）の半分以下だ。
殆んどの人と同様に、ワタシは補助が必要な歳になっても老人ホームには入りたくない。もしかしたら、母親になる事はないからそう思うのかもしれない。

If I were at her age and had had few kids who have pretty much settled in different parts of the country, what would I do?
My choice would most likely be living in a retirement village in the same state with one of the kids.

もし、ワタシがママンと同じ歳で、子供が自分とは離れた、別々の州に散らばっていたらどうするだろう？
多分、ワタシなら同じ州の退職者用住宅地で暮らす事を選ぶだろうな。

Mamam's choice was to go to the nursing home because she didn't want to be the burden of her children. The nursing home in the different state.
Of course I respect her decision, so does my hubby and sister-in-law.
But that means, we can't see each other often enough and when we eventually do see her, the pain of seeing her deteriorate is just too much.
Then we repeat the same questions in our mind again and again, 'would it have been the same if we could see her more often?' 'why didn't she move to Melbourne (or sydney) when she still could?'

ママンの選択は、子供の重荷になりたくないから、老人ホームに行く、という事だったの。それも、離れた州にある老人ホーム。もちろん彼女の選択はワタシも、ウチのダンナ様も、義姉も尊重してるのね。
でも、それは同時に満足に会えないって事なのね。そして、会った時に悪化しているのを見るのは耐えられない位辛いのね。
で、心の中で同じ質問を繰り返すの。「もしもっとしょっちゅう会えたとしても、同じだっただろうか？」、「なぜ、来れる内に（身体の動く内に）メルボルンに（或いは義姉の住むシドニーに）来なかったんだろう？」って。

All of us, including mamam, have feelings and are aware of each other's feelings. We are all frustrated. And yet we all know there's nothing we can do now. The main thing is that we love each other, and understand each other and accept the way we all are.

ワタシたちみんな感情があるし、お互いの思いはわかってる。みんな辛いんだよね。でも今となってはどうにもならないのもわかってる。大事なのは、みんながお互いを大切に思っているし、理解していること。そしてあるがままの相手を受け入れていること。

It's like reminding myself repeatedly that's the way it should be, and we cannot expect our loved one to change their mind.

そうであるべきなんだ、と言い聞かせるように。愛する相手の気を変えられるとか期待はできないんだって。

Today was my mum's birthday. When I rang her up, she took it and said 'It's 〇〇 speaking. Who am I talking to?' and I teasingly answered, 'It's 〇〇, too.'
She couldn't tell it was me. ('Hey, couldn't she recognise my voice?')
She was in the middle of putting Futons out in the sun. You know how heavy futons are? She's 76 and still doing heavy lifting all the time. She's strong-willed and tough, I mean, really tough. Even when I was growing up she always had her hands full and she got frustrated if there aren't enough on her plate.　：D
She often found me too lazy, which I am, nagged me and annoyed me.

今日はワタシの母の誕生日だった。電話したら、母が出て、「○○でございます。」と言ったから、冗談っぽく「こちらも〇〇でございます。」って言ったのね。
ワタシだって気づかなかった。（おい、声でわからんのか！）
母は布団を外に干してる最中だったの。布団ってすごい重いよね。母は７６になるけど、未だに重いものを持ちあげたり、いつものようにやってる。精神力は強いし、力強い、すごく力強い。
ワタシが子供の頃だって、いつも忙しくて、忙しくないとイライラしてた。（笑）
ワタシの事を怠けもんと思ってて、まぁそうなんだけどぐちぐち説教してワタシを苛つかせた。

Yeah I know I was an ungrateful daughter.
But you know one thing I realised today was that I now really appreciate that she's still so healthy and strong. And I had never realised how much it means to me.

うん、親不孝な娘って事は自分でもわかってる。
でもね、今日わかったのは、母が今でも丈夫で健康だって事が本当に嬉しい事だってこと。
それがどれだけワタシに重要かってこと。

I was depressed for the last few days but mum's voice really cheered me up.

ここ数日落ち込んでたけど、母の声聞いて、かなり元気になった。

Mum and mamam, even me are strong in different ways.
As long as mamam stays mentally strong, she'll bounce back and keep going, and we'll be able to see each other even though it's just these 7 days a year.

母とママン、ワタシでさえ違いはあれ、強さを持ってるの。
ママンが精神を強く持ってる限り、持ち直して生きていける。そして、一年に７日間だけであっても毎年会うことができる。

With mum, her strength lies in her total independence, her stubbornness which at times irritate me and which, are also the qualities of her I love.

ウチの母の強さってのは、完全な自立と彼女の強情さにある。それで時々ワタシはイラつくんだけど、同時になんか好きなんだよね。そういうところが。

A funny little moment.

These few days have been windy, and the fallen leaves and twigs are blown everywhere.

This afternoon as I was getting ready to go shopping I saw my husband sweeping the driveway particularly in front of the garage.
"What's the point of clearing leaves from the drive way on the day like this?"
Watching the leaves carried away by the wind with the loud rattling noise, I asked him.
"Because the leaves blow into the garage and pile up otherwise."
I had a little chuckle at the way the leaves kept escaping from the dustpan as I heard that.

ここのところ、風の強い日が数日続いているから落ち葉や小枝があちこちに飛んでいる。
午後、ワタシが買い物に出るのに身支度をしていると、ウチのダンナ様が家の私道、特に車庫の前を掃いているのが見えた。
「こんな日に私道の落ち葉を掃きとるなんて、無駄じゃん？」
がさがさ音をたてて風に吹き飛ばされている落ち葉を見ながらワタシがそう聞くと、
「そうしないと、車庫の中に葉が全部舞い込んで来て溜まるじゃないか！」
そんな事を聞きながら、ちりとりから葉が逃げ出し続ける様子にくすっと笑ってしまった。

Things that I can't help feeling from time to time. - 時々思ってしまうこと。

When I was a child, I was told not to say anything nasty about other people. No matter how badly the other person treats you, you should still be polite to him/her and that would be the best way to show your dignity.
Do they really see it, my dignity?
No, I don’t think so. They’d probably just think I am a loser, or wimp.

子供の頃、よその人の悪口を言っちゃいけません、とよく言われた。
何をされても丁寧に接しなさい。それが、プライドを見せる一番の方法だと。
その人たちに本当に私のプライドが見えるんだろうか？
そうは思わないな。きっとワタシを負け犬だとか、弱虫だと思うだろうな。

There’s this thing in the bible that says ‘love thy enemy.’
This saying always puzzles me and leaves me wondering how an individual identifies another ‘enemy’, yet could love that individual.
That’s bullshit.

聖書には『敵を愛しなさい』という教えがある。
いつも変な言葉だと思う。どうすれば『敵』と思っている相手を愛する事が出来るんだろう？
そんなのインチキじゃん。

If I were to be polite to a person just for the sake of keeping peace with him/her on the surface and inwardly swearing and cursing that person, it’s as bad as being a backstabber, isn't it?
What if I were to be honest and talk through each other’s difference with the person, or if it wasn’t the possibility, why not should I at least straight things out?
Wouldn’t it minimize the misunderstanding?

もし、ワタシが見せ掛けだけの平穏を保つだけの為に相手に丁寧に接していて、心の中で相手を罵ったり呪ったりしてたら、陰口を叩くのと変わらないじゃん?
もしも、ワタシが本音でお互いの違いを語り合ったら。。。もしそれが不可能でも、問題だけでもはっきりさせられたら、誤解とか避けられるんじゃない？

I know that I’ve done it to many people and it might have upset some, but at least I never stabbed them behind their back.
If were to play nice to those people who despise me without single good reason, I would be a hypocrit.

それを、今まで沢山の人にしてきて、中には傷ついた人もいるだろうな。でも、ワタシは陰口だけは叩いた事が無い。
だってもし、ワタシが自分を適当な理由もなく嫌悪する相手にいい人面したら、ワタシはウソつきになっちゃうじゃん。

I would rather be called a bitch than being a real bitch.

本当のやな奴になるより、やな奴って言われた方がまだましだな。