At the end of the day

As I was a kid, my mum always told me that I was hopeless about keep my room tidy. She was a type who worked compulsively, cleaned the house every mornings and nights and kept everything organised. She was super meticulous in every way.

I often felt so knocked out by the fact that I could never keep up to her standards. I couldn't do anything right by her. She kept making the futile effort to bring me into her ideal daughter, who does what she does, how she does and achieves higher than she had. 

Her dream was shuttered when I developed epilepsy, when I failed to pass the entrance exam for Uni. I kept disappointing her by failing to keep my first marriage, and then finally leaving Japan permanently by marrying an Australian guy.

I rebelled, or tried to rebel by ignoring everything she told me to do or not to do. But what she said always stuck in my head. I have to admit some of her advices are very useful. Especially when it comes to organizing and cleaning, she was almost always right.

Day by day I'm getting better at getting things done and keeping my house organized. In the old days I insisted in doing things in my own way, which never worked so well.Now at the age when my mum brought me into this world, I find myself doing the housework the way she was doing - because it works.

I finally surrendered to the fact that I have a lot to thank her for.

My relationship with my family had been somewhat shaky, and it took me a long time coming to understand and appreciate them.

My self-esteem was constantly low in my early years. It was pathetic how I was putting on a brave face and pretending to be mature and strong while in reality feeling inadequate and fearing of rejection non-stop.
This pathetic me still comes up to surface every now and again, but overall I'm heaps happier and content with myself.

At the end of the day the words come up in my mind are
'thank you' and 'love you'.