Uncertainty.

I sit on this chair in this computer room.
Quite a lovely room it is.
I have a lovely husband and a comfortable life.
In the backyard grow many different herbs,
Apricot tree in the front yard, the plum tree in the backyard
both bear plenty of fruits.
Thanks to the consistent rain we have these days.

I have more than I could wish for as someone like myself.
Now with the job I have had over a month.

No - I don't think,
I can ever reveal to anyone at work about my condition.
It's not a volunteer job and there's always the risk where I might lose the job, or get discriminated as a consequence.
This is a perpetual dilemma that haunts me.

I used to have a good job.
I worked hard, pushed myself to the ground, to prove myself at work.
Yes, I tried to convince myself that I was capable of doing what everyone else can.

Epilepsy is a cruel condition, to those who aspire something better.
'You can't get there, sweetie - you wish way more than what you deserve.'

Don't work too hard, because you may have the horrid seizure if you push your limit, but - if you want to prove yourself - you'd have to push your limit anyway, don't you?

- Be satisfied with what you have.
I tell myself.
- I'm luckier than most,
I try to convince myself, and it's indeed true.

Yet at times this sense of vanity imprisons me and depresses me,
that I have wasted my time learning what I don't really need, to gain skills that are no use to me anyway.

You might say, that's not true.
Or you might say, "You have to accept the way it is. Don't expect too much."
It gives pain in my gut.

Be strong, I tell myself again.
A strong doubt enters my heart.
Then my confidence and determination falter.
Then comes the deep depression.
I'm on my way to regression,
I'll only go down if
I give into my weak self.

- Please enlighten me -
I sigh.
I don't know what fair means anymore.
My gut hurts.
- Please enlighten me -