Her little hope.

She feels low.
Not just that she has been sick for the entire week,
but she also feels lonely, isolated.
Sometimes, she even feels she is isolated from her own family.
She has a painful history with her mother and brother so that feels somewhat detached from them, no matter how hard she tries to connect with them.
Just another one of dysfunctional families. Nothing uncommon.

Now, all she has is her partner and a handful of her friends.
Her biggest fear is losing them and, just imagining it drives her mad.

But hey, she doesn't want to be insecure or cringey, in contrary, she wants to be independent.
She doesn't want to suffocate them with her longings for "alternative family", but at the same time, she can't help secretly envying her friends for having close family and kids that she will never have.

All her life, she wanted to be accepted.
Wanted to be loved and liked. So desperately.

It was just about when she was moving on from her family issues and started making friends when she had her first epileptic seizure.
Actually, she quickly accepted her condition, wasn't at all in denial.
She didn't even know what it is or it is what many who suffers from the condition are so ashamed of.
But her mother told her to keep quiet, because, she said, she'd never be able to marry if she opens her mouth. Crap.

"Epilepsy is just a medical condition. It's nothing to be embarrassed about."
People say to her. Full of crap.
If it's nothing to embarrassed about or to hide, like they say, how come she has been rejected by her companies, potential friends, boyfriends so often?  
She maybe paranoid. Being rejected maybe has nothing to do with her little "condition".

She has her loving partner who cares for her deeply for who she is as a person.
But the fear of rejection and inferiority deeply ingrained in her heart.
Maybe if she comes up with something funny to say, people will like her. She ponders. 

Over the years, she tried hard to overcome her low esteem. Really hard.
She is now, perhaps, accepted enough in the society, respected enough as a nice person.
But being accepted isn't enough. She wants to be liked. So desperately.
Maybe she's bit too greedy.
Maybe, she is too much of a sucker for attention.
She doesn't know her place in her world.
She should be thankful for what and who she already has.
...that's how she reasons to herself.

And yet, she can't completely drop her little hope.
She wants more friends.
Although she's shit scared of getting rejected again.
And the mere idea of breaking her inner fear makes her cringe.
She still wants to come out as who she is and still liked by people around her.

If she gives up, the door will close permanently.
If she doesn't - she hopes, the chance may not be zero.