FSphere

All what matters.

2012-01-08T23:28:00.004+11:00

I've just finished a project.
The project I had been procrastinating for a long time.
Sorting old photos of Ian and those people he used to know.
Making an album is both fun and poignant.
Because you can see the history of the person that you love.
You'd feel as if you have lived his life through the photos, almost.
I could see him at different stages of life, him growing up,
and now, us, growing older together.
It's sweet. Profound. A joy.

After finishing the project, he asked me,
if I had old photos of myself.
No, not many.
Not many at all.
For I was always the one who took photos of people around me.
How lonely I was, all those years of my teens,
Having no one to take my photos, I missed out on the opportunity to flip through them and ponder about my past.
At the same time, I have no photos to remind me how unhappy I was.
The past I don't want to remember, doesn't exist in my photo albums.

After all, I have plenty enough photos of us together now, in which I look so happy...and that's all what matters.

Uncertainty.

2011-12-11T19:49:00.000+11:00

I sit on this chair in this computer room.
Quite a lovely room it is.
I have a lovely husband and a comfortable life.
In the backyard grow many different herbs,
Apricot tree in the front yard, the plum tree in the backyard
both bear plenty of fruits.
Thanks to the consistent rain we have these days.

I have more than I could wish for as someone like myself.
Now with the job I have had over a month.

No - I don't think,
I can ever reveal to anyone at work about my condition.
It's not a volunteer job and there's always the risk where I might lose the job, or get discriminated as a consequence.
This is a perpetual dilemma that haunts me.

I used to have a good job.
I worked hard, pushed myself to the ground, to prove myself at work.
Yes, I tried to convince myself that I was capable of doing what everyone else can.

Epilepsy is a cruel condition, to those who aspire something better.
'You can't get there, sweetie - you wish way more than what you deserve.'

Don't work too hard, because you may have the horrid seizure if you push your limit, but - if you want to prove yourself - you'd have to push your limit anyway, don't you?

- Be satisfied with what you have.
I tell myself.
- I'm luckier than most,
I try to convince myself, and it's indeed true.

Yet at times this sense of vanity imprisons me and depresses me,
that I have wasted my time learning what I don't really need, to gain skills that are no use to me anyway.

You might say, that's not true.
Or you might say, "You have to accept the way it is. Don't expect too much."
It gives pain in my gut.

Be strong, I tell myself again.
A strong doubt enters my heart.
Then my confidence and determination falter.
Then comes the deep depression.
I'm on my way to regression,
I'll only go down if
I give into my weak self.

- Please enlighten me -
I sigh.
I don't know what fair means anymore.
My gut hurts.
- Please enlighten me -

In a mood for a melodramatic love song.

2011-11-17T14:03:00.012+11:00

These days I increasingly dislike such a love song
Such Asian love songs that my husband mocks by singing in English
It's so annoyingly spot on
Even though he doesn't know a single word of Japanese (maybe one) or Chinese

It's one of such typical love songs
A perfect beautiful ballad
Sang by a Japanese singer who committed suicide at 26
Or maybe murdered as some rumours say.

His name was Ozaki Yutaka.
He was idolised by massive crowd of teenage kids in the 80-90s
Who questioned about social values and its contradictions
He was the voice of such young people

I'd never liked this guy's songs or remotely interested in him
Until he died

He was found lying stark naked on a street with multiple cuts, which was strange enough.
But later after he died, more than double the fatal amount of methamphetamine was found from his body.
So it was an overdose and it sounds cliche enough in Western world

However, whether it was a voluntary overdose or forced overdose was still a mystery that continues to draw our curiosity.
After this suspicious death
This song was aired on the radio and TV thousands of times

Inevitably the song stuck in my mind
Maybe because it sounds so vain
Maybe because it sounds so hopelessly sentimental

And sometimes you don't mind
Such a sentimental love song.

Although you might hate to admit.

----------------------------------

I love you
I don’t wanna listen to sad songs just right now
I love you
This is the shelter we’ve reached
After being on the run for so long

For this love not being fully endorsed
We are like a pair of lost kittens
This room is like a submerged empty box in piles of fallen leaves
So you sound muffled like a baby kitten
Ooh ooh ooh

In the squeaky bed
With great tenderness
We hold each other so tight
And again we close our eyes
For this love
Not to be turned off
By sad songs

And again we close our eyes
For this love
Not to be turned off
By sad songs

Failure after failure, but...

2011-10-15T21:18:00.008+11:00

God, it's already into mid-spring, and the race season is just around the corner. Meanwhile I've been busying myself with job-hunting, which, of course, proved to be impossibly hard.

Using a disability job agency wasn't a good idea.
Two weeks ago, I was sacked from a restaurant after a day's trial because I couldn't even carry two light plates, according to the owner's reasoning. - Bullshit. She knew that I was an epileptic. And I COULD carry two light plates no problem. However, I couldn't carry two HEAVY scorching hot plates and I'm not denying it.

It was the night of Collingwood vs. Hawthorn match and the restaurant was jam-packed.
Both trainer and the owner were super busy, therefore had no time to properly give me the training that they were supposed to provide.
'Well, I can't stand there doing nothing and waiting for them to tell me what to do next', I thought - so I got on with my job after the brief introduction and instruction. I thought I did well, even the trainer admitted it. It was only the owner, the only person who knew my condition who was giving off the negative vibe.

IT DOESN'T MATTER. I'M OVER ＩＴ．

Then around a week later I received a call from a shop I was applying for, for an interview. The job was pretty much the same as what I've been doing at my Op-shop, so the interview went extremely well, and the interviewer was extremely happy - until she did the reference check. It was a mistake that I used the referee from the disability job agency. They must have found out what sort of agency they were.

It's going to be a long road to my independence yet.

Speaking of which, I once lived next door to a guy, who's as known as "The Golden Jacket". Well, I am not a Collingwood supporter. I am indeed a Western Bulldog supporter, but I've always had a soft spot on the Collingwood Football Club because of this lovely ex-neighbour. He has a daughter who has the same condition as mine - Juvenile myoclonic epilepsy with occasional tonic-clonic seizures.
Him without that golden jacket was a genuine softie guy who supports his socially-disadvantaged family. We haven't called in by his house for quite a while, but these few days the thought of him and Emma (his daughter) comes across in my mind a lot as I struggle through my job-hunting.

I might have already said this a few times before, but breaking the social wall between Epileptics and Non-Epileptics is no easy job, if not impossible; although breaking the personal wall is not that hard as all you need is your own open-mindedness.

I recall the reaction of the owner of the Restaurant now. At that time when she asked me how I felt about the job, I almost felt the pressure to say, "No. I didn't like the job." In retrospect, the true reason that she sacked me may not have been her being prejudiced but because she was concerned about the customers' and the other staff's reaction IF ever I have a tonic-clonic seizure there.
What I mean is, even if I could win the staff members' understanding, I can't expect every single customer to understand, which means that the restaurant would lose the customers and inevitably its reputation would suffer. The owner couldn't let it happen. She couldn't take that risk. The only grudge I have against her was that she wasn't honest with me.

Here at my Op-shop I do my job spot on, so why can't I get a single paid job? - I'd think.
But it scares me to imagine the situation where I have a seizure at work and creates the chaos that I don't want.

Human-right issues are tough to beat because there are a lot of dilemmas there, because there's no solution where everyone is happy - and sometimes it's not even a matter of good morals and ethics.

Having said that I still think that I can do better. A lot better.
I can't help but envy all my high-achieving friends who work days and nights doing things that they are passionate about. It's not like I want to be like them. All I want is independence.

- Joffa still supports his family. I don't think Emma has the independence either, which I believe she's always wished for. She now is the mother of 3 lovely kids, but I can't even have kids.

I could scream.

I'd bite my lips, hold back my tears and try to get on with my life, hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.

JOB WANTED.

2011-08-15T21:22:00.002+10:00

Recently I signed up with something called "employment agency".
Yes. I'm looking for a job but finding a suitable job for epileptics is pretty hard. Having no driver's license, with limited amount of hours and the types of job I can manage, might be contributing to my lack of opportunities.

Initially I was confusing "employment agencies" with "recruitment agencies". Unlike the latter, employment agencies don't organise job interviews for you. but they assist you in job-searching, help you improve your skills by offering courses if that is helpful, and to apply for a job. However, the service ends there, pretty much.

After finding this out, I did a google search but couldn't find any "recruitment agencies" for disadvantaged people (not disabled people). It's not fair. It's a kind of discrimination, I thought, and I know some people indignated by this.

Anyway, my complaint stops here. I've started to list up the positions I'm going to apply, drafted CVs and wrote down the list of assistance I need from them - and that's my homework. There are few more things I could do to maximize my opportunities, which I'm going to discuss with them.
Actually I've been expecting a letter from them with regards to my next interview with the consultant, which is supposed to be due by now but I haven't heard anything yet.

See, I don't want to sit down and wait for them to contact me and I won't. I will need to keep hassling them or try out some other agencies bigger than them.
In retrospect, I hadn't been trying hard enough to find a job for last few years, although I'd signed up with a couple of recruitment agencies (just general ones) who have never contacted me since, applied for jobs online as none of the employees list up their direct contact numbers and none of those applications were successful. Yet I know that I can handle most tasks skill-wise if not too demanding for my physical capability.

I was well more self-conscious of my disadvantages than what was necessary. So I guess that, the little assistance from the agencies like them maybe a big help for me if I use their service wisely.

At least they know that I'm a supervisor at an op-shop, and that I'm used to money-handling and customer service and I have my good PC skills as well as typing skills although I can't do it for too long hours, as I'm sensitive to flashes, static electricity and such.

Well, that's it. I'm looking for a job. If anyone is looking for an honest, hard worker who is also a good team-player with positive, friendly attitude, that would be me, but you'd have to be willing to give a chance to an epileptic. *Wink* *Wink*

Fingers crossed for good luck.

If Life was a Game,

2011-08-09T12:58:00.018+10:00

Recently Ian and I were watching the cult popular film called "Nirvana" starring Christopher Lambert (also starred in "Tarzan"). Somewhat similar in the feel with movies like "Inception", "The Matrix", I'd say, but this one came out before The Matrix.

This budget Italian Sci-fi thriller with the thought-provoking concept, from what I have read, apparently failed to win the critic's praise.

Anyway -

The character Christpher Lambert was playing was the game designer, Jimi, whose latest game was about to be released shortly, which became infected by virus.

The virus, however brought one of the characters, Solo, the awareness that something in his life was strange. Every moment felt as if it happened before. He had the deja-vu. He listened to the voice in his brain, which really was the instructions from Jimi. Solo was ordered to pick up the piece of paper, read it, and call the number on it -

But Solo refused to do it, because he knew what was coming next. He'd call the number, a dark-long-haired chick with her lips painted dark scarlet would answer the call, and a guy with a shotgun would pop out of nowhere and kill Solo. He was fed up with repeating the same scenes.

It's your life. You can do whatever you want to do as long as you take responsibility of your actions and accept the consequences. People say.

But there's always something that you cannot control. Fate.

Think for sec, we'd never be 100% sure whether our life is our own. Our life might be pre-determined, or designed by someone else - like, GOD.
We'd tune into our inner voice (or who the hell knows, it could be the voice of God, eh?) and try to do the right thing.
If someone designed our lives and is manipulating us, would we know it? If we do, it must feel like a schizophrenic's nightmare.

Our life also is full of repetition, we often make the same mistakes, sometimes we'd experience the sense of deja-vu that we've already come across with certain things or persons before, and cannot remember where or when.

Then suddenly - hypothetically speaking, this someone who pre-designed our lives appears and says,

"You're just a character in my game."(Ouch!)

'Oh, Jimi...you can't do this to me. Get me out of here. Put an end to my misery.'

The character Solo laments.

In reality I don't think we can feel anything for characters in a game - they are not real, and they don't look real, not like in this film where they look like humans.

Everything in the game, looks and feels real, although undoubtedly bizarre. As a result, you can't help but feel sorry for Solo, because you know the feeling - feeling lost - or worse.

What if we didn't really exist, if our whole existence were an illusion?
That's a big IF.
Fortunately, we do exist. But coming to think of illusion, I guess, our life is full of it.
There are ideas which I used to think were my own, but then later realized that they were imposed upon by, say, my family, school teachers, media, so on and so forth. There were things that I believed to be true unconditionally before leaving my country, which turned out, aren't necessarily true.

We are conditioned to believe certain things depending on where we live or what kind of background we have. Once you're out of the certain system, or society, you may begin to wonder if part of what you used to believe in were only an illusion, or deception. That's maybe when we realize that we are characters in someone's game. Although not entirely, like Solo's, some parts of our life probably are manipulated and designed by some one or something.
Some people's life, maybe dominated by playing games on someone else, or being part of someone else's game. And some of us try hard not to participate in the game.

Jimi's life had been dominated by his games before the character Solo confronted him. He was the designer, the creator and the manipulator of the characters including Solo, and at the same time perhaps, in a way, was controlled by his own game. ;..(

Illusion or not, our life ends when the time comes. And when the time comes, every memory stored in our mind would fade out and be gone.
The only way to reach inner peace, while we're alive, maybe is to free our mind, so that no one could play games on us.

Um, I should do some meditation this evening, then.

Well, it was one deliciously convoluted film to me, that "Nirvana" - sort of like this better than The Matrix now.

Maybe Sometimes.

2011-06-29T23:26:00.003+10:00

Hey, it's been a long time.

I often imagine myself saying these words to my old friends
Whom I haven't seen for ages.
There was a time we spent many unforgettable moments together.
Some are fun, some, emotional.

What have you been up to?
I feel like asking, from time to time.

Since when I stopped making effort to keep in touch?
It feels as though it's impossible to re-create,
such a profound connection we used to have.

We've lost it.
There is no going back to our past.

Stay in touch on the Facebook.
Right.
Stay in touch only on the face.
Come on, I can't even see your face.
Your real face.

Hey,
Not everything is lost.
The time we had in those days will never disappear.

In the old days,
I'd say to my friend

Remember the old guy who used to set up the stall,
Right in front of our school's front gate?
The guy was amazing,
How he used to manipulate the melted candy
to shape animals and accessories in a matter of seconds?

There weren't many kids who bought anything from that guy
Who kept coming back to the same spot,
Not to make money, but to get the little audiences.

No cheers, no sound of gasps were heard,
But our eyes were glued to his fingers
I can't even remember his face,
But I do, the way his fingers moved like a magic

Every stage of my life
Has moments that I never forget
Like people who shared those moments with me

What have you been up to?
Are there times you wonder the same thing?

Japanese spirit is still alive!

2011-06-28T19:37:00.004+10:00

Each time I go to Japan I buy something small and inexpensive for souvenirs, and what’s better than Hello Kitty mobile phone straps?

Whatever else you see, she comes as my first choice - so, to me, Hello Kitty is still the queen.

This hello kitty one I bought for myself is wrapped in what looks like a pouch – or a sleeping bag and popping her little cute but expressionless face out of whichever it might be. As a Japanese, let me explain what it is. You’d love to hear it. (Behold!)

This is a Hello Kitty wrapped in straw. What’s the bloody hell for?

She’s hiding in Natto (that sticky, FRAGRANT fermented soy that we love to eat with the hot steamed rice, YUM.). Or, she might have already eaten all and then hiding in the empty wrapping. Whatever she's doing there, she must be damn happy all covered with its LUSCIOUS, IRRESISTIBLE smell.

There are many of her mates specially designed to promote different tourist places in Japan. One of her less lucky mates has to perform archery while she’s running on the top speed on her horseback. She’s promoting Kamakura and Yabusame.

And this particular Hello Kitty’s mission is to represent Mito (a town in Ibaraki prefecture that is well-known for Natto production.) and of course, Natto.

But now it's getting hard to stop at that. At the souvenir shops in Narita airport, I saw heaps of something so-Japan-so-quirky key holders and, mobile phone straps, which, is no use to many mobile phones on the market these days.

Mari-mo-kkori, is the growing strong rival (as seen below).

The name came from the combination of two words, Marimo (a kind of ball-shaped sea plant) and Mokkori (meaning male erection, you’ll know perfectly if you’ve read popular Japanese manga “City Hunter”)

Their predominant mission is to promote Hokkaido, the place famous for Marimo. Plus it’s multiplying its popularity at a high speed, thanks to the turbo-charged reproduction power.

Yep, everyone appears to be on a mission at Narita airport.

Like this snugly kewpie wrapped in the lucky blanket, will bring you travel safety and luck if you get one.

Others found across Japan seem more relaxed, like this cute thing below. She’s the kewpie turned herself into…..Banana.

If you do a google search under “costume kewpie” you see images of her mates. If you already have some plastic kewpies you can even turn them into your own “costume kewpies”

Here are some images of original Marimokkori key chains and fabric dolls

This is one of the things about Japan that would never change no matter what happens.

Japanese ideosyncrasy is still alive and strong.

Cheers to Japan.

Time. Precious Time.

2011-06-10T12:47:00.010+10:00

I left Australia on the Friday the 21st,
Took the flight first to Kuala Lumpur, then to Narita.
The airplane from Kuala Lumpur was half empty, with over 90% of its passengers Japanese. So, that was what the news was about - the number of overseas tourists to Japan dropping to less than half.
As the plane approached Narita, the inside of the cabin began to warm up.
That's right. Japan was in late Spring, beginning of Summer.

Being in Japan I noticed that the train was still a lot faster and the service was more frequent than Australia. Toilets are auto-flash of course, these electric appliances with extra features but no-energy saving features, most escalators still operating but no lifts for disabled persons.
Sure the lights in the shops are rather dim, (so they say, but to me it's bright enough) and probably many people must be finding the post 3/11 life hard.

*********************************************

The day I arrived in Japan was warm and sunny.
All I did was talking to mum, eating and resting.
Well, there was no Internet connected and the books I brought from Australia were fairly boring. (I had the high expectation since the authors are fabulous writers.)

The next day, the rainy season kicked in.
Then came the typhoon No.2. Doh.
Indeed it rained all the way through while I was in Japan.
The only other day that didn't rain was the day of my departure.

You see, with the incessant rain and no Internet,
I had more intimate time with my family.
The late night talk with mum in the futons laid side by side, accompanied by the sound of rain quietly pelting the roof,
and the walks we had and the shopping in the rain. How stupid it was, walking with umbrella open, fighting the merciless wind!
But, tell you what, it was beautiful. The flowers and trees were beautiful.
Actually most photos I took in Japan were of flowers and trees, because I didn't take any short trips.

During those two weeks I was with mum, I didn't use a mobile phone.
I could only use Internet at home for the last 4 days, using it only for e-mailing most of the time, which was reminiscent of the life 15 years ago.
It wasn't convenient, but wasn't too inconvenient either.
It made me think of how the human interaction was more direct and poignant in pre-Internet era.

But it wasn't that bad. We Japanese should be saving more electricity and transferring that extra electricity to where it's needed, such as hospitals and nursing homes.

I came back to Australia, to Ian, on the June the 4th.
I was glad that I went to Japan - but I am so glad to be back in Melbourne.
I appreciate my luck of seeing my family well and safe, that the home-coming wasn't heart-wrenching. It pained to think about those who are less-fortunate and having to go through the traumatic time.

God, how lucky I am alive.
Everyday, every minute is so precious,
because you'd never know where and when it ends.

Remember in the morning,
how beautiful it is just to feel your heart beating still,
see your loved one's face next to you,
hear the sound from the backyard and such.

Time I have now is god's blessing. (Saying that I'm an atheist.)

I don't have to be reminded.

2011-05-18T23:38:00.001+10:00

I'll be setting off to Japan in two days.
This feels so surreal.
And I have hardly packed anything yet.

In the lounge are still full things that do not actually belong to us.
"Too many things to be done before I go," I think,
And yet I don't feel like doing anything.

It maybe because I'm so used to going on a trip with Ian and doing all the packing together.

Oh, I don't want to go.
But I do want to go.
Sometimes you can't have everything.
I know that. You don't have to remind me.

Two weeks without Ian.
It feels so bizarre.
Although I have known that I'm going on my own,
It still hasn't sunk in yet.

We have a lot of catching up to do,
After I come back from Japan.
As you can't be with me this time,
As I can't have you with me in Japan this time.

I know I can't have everything.
I don't have to be reminded.

But I miss you.

Cry Baby

2011-05-15T21:16:00.003+10:00

On our 6^th wedding anniversary, we talked about how we feel about each other.

There are many Japanese friends living in Melbourne who married to Australian guy, so I’m just one of “those” girls – well, people have certain ideas about Jap – Aussie couples.

Ian and I still talk to each other, probably way more than what we used to in the beginning of our relationship. Well that’s good. We have connection. We have gone through similar dramas in our life and his family, just like Ian does, treats me like an individual, a family and a friend.

But, what about us as a couple? Sometimes, I thought, that my Japanese friends have a husband who cares, and worries about wife more than Ian does.

We talk, we share things and we laugh together, and yet there were moments when I wondered how much he cared about me.

We have so much freedom and we are both a bit of a non-conformist, so we don’t bother each other about whatever each of us does, like I can do what I want, for an instance. And most of the time, I appreciate him for his understanding nature.

Most of the time.

But, as we all know, our mind is complex and often more fragile than we think, although the opposite is also true.

There was a part of me who wanted him to show that he really missed me and worried about me when I was late.

He didn’t really tell me what I wanted to hear, which made me insecure, and that was what I hesitated to tell him. Because I thought it would be humiliating to appear clingy.

On our 6^th wedding anniversary I decided to drop my brave face.

The way he cares about me, might be a bit different from other people.

I know that we are soulmates and there are many things we understand each other without words. Still, there are things about him that I could not read.

The way he was showing his concerns about me was too subtle, and many times I didn't get his signals.

Please, if you do care, show it. Please, say it aloud, and remind me how precious I am to you.

No matter how strong and independent I may appear, there is this paranoid, insecure child in me who needs to be loved and nurtured.

In a way, we are still in the process of growing as a couple.

I remember the sound very well.

2011-05-02T14:46:00.007+10:00

Wind chime,
Swang by the autumn breeze, it rings and the tune lingers.
Then the breeze ceases, for too long, too long.
Impatience grows. The yearning cries.
How far away is it, before we hear the tinkle?

Ian says that the sound reminds him of being in his mum’s room.
I remember that well.
As we sat by her sleeping peacefully in the soft afternoon light
The chime tinkled in the wind so light, so light.
I dreamed with my eyes half open.
My empty feeling, filled and soothed
By the soft tune of the chime emanated from outside.

This metal, harmonic wind chime
Has the feel that resonates with dream.

I found the cast iron one the other day.
It was made in Japan.
I saw one hanging under the eaves
Once upon a time in my grandpa’s house.
It had the same simple clear sound
That resonates with the summers
I spent with him and my relatives.

My grandma had the glass one.
The beautiful, so beautiful the glass wind chime
Which this naughty little girl I know very well
Used to poke with her finger.

It had the subtle, light tune
That reminds me of the end of the summer

I remember very well.

In a mood for ranting...26th May

2011-04-27T00:50:00.008+10:00

As my trip to Japan approaches, I’m starting to calm down.

Now I read more about what’s broadcasted in Japan and realized that there are two very different kinds of news. One is watered-down information with something missing, and the other; expose-dark secret sort of information, and I was contributing to the latter.

The wish of bringing in Justice out of good intention sometimes defeats the purpose and ends up creating the opposite effect. Instead of solving anything, it aids only to raise unnecessary fear and damage the life quality of people who are involved in the matter discussed.

Unfortunately “busting what’s hidden behind” type of news sells a lot more than happy news. Are we being duped again, this time by those with different agenda with saints’ face? …and we take the bait and become confused and paranoid.

I still think that being aware of truth is important, but there are lots of things about nuclear power plant I have yet to learn. What's happened in Fukushima was nothing like Chernobyl that is for sure. I wonder if there’s some way to remove the radioactive substance in the air.

It looks like there is the study currently being conducted to develop the way to remove radioactive contamination. Everyone now knows nuclear power plants are highly dangerous. Sooner or later the alternative energy generation should be investigated such as geothermal generation while trying to close the nuclear power plant. At least the situation is not irreversible yet, although I don’t know the credibility of the information that sunflowers can reduce the amount of radioactive materials that has been found on the Internet.

Yesterday was Anzac day. There are still soldiers sacrificing their lives somewhere on this earth and for what?

Would using arm force stop violence and terrorism?

It appears to me like a huge waste of lives and tax money. The money could’ve been used to help those suffering from poverty or developing something to save this planet.

So far all what we’re doing seems to be destroying ourselves.

Do people in power really want peace? Do they really care about environmental issues?

It doesn’t make sense to me. Can weapons those soldiers use be manufactured without emitting CO2? I don’t think so - and what about when those firearms are fired? Doesn’t it emit CO2?

I am not religious, but if so called ‘god’ gives another chance to Japan, there are many things that have to change.

How much karma are we carrying and why do we always have to fight, compete and win, even when natural disasters are happening more often these days than ever.

What a bunch of idiots are we?

When the world comes to the end, we human all over the world remorse our mistakes and reminisce how beautiful the earth once was and forget the hatred, ego and greed that we clang to, realizing how meaningless these all were.

That’s the thought that troubles me and saddens me these days.

And probably my own idiocy sometimes, and dread it.

Instead of making changes, we tend to think, fuck it – we'll enjoy life while we can.

“Damn right, we are fucked. It’s too late.” Someone said to me.

But I still believe in hope.

I have this hopeless idealism that somewhere along the line that politicians all around the world would drop their pathetic agenda to save each other, and save their people. You can laugh at me.

I’m not usually religious, but I’m selfishly pray to God now to give Japan the chance to learn, and recover. If we could in some way reduce the radiation to a safe level, our people in Northwest, Fukushima particularly can regain the spirit and quality of life without taking it for granted.

There is a hope, isn’t there?

A plea with a little hope.

2011-04-16T19:11:00.015+10:00

Frustrated.

That's how I have been feeling ever since the radiation leak from the Fukushima nuclear power plant started getting frequently talked about.

People in Japan had long been lied and deceived by the government and electricity companies as to how clean and safe the nuclear power is.
I myself were admittedly duped by the false legend that Japanese nuclear power plants are the best and the safest in the world.
Of course they weren't. Indeed as it turned out, we have the nuclear power plant rumored to be the most dangerous in the world right on the earth plate. Now people are really alarmed. There's an over-due massive earthquake being anticipated for years in the very area. Some engineers knew the risk but were made to shut up.

Finally, we are waking up. Anti-nuclear power activities are happening now on internet sites and in many places, and yet there are many who still believe that nuclear power is paramount for the stable supply of electricity, that so-called sustainable energy is inconsistent and unreliable.
And that is what we were conditioned to believe, and it proves how effective all the brain washing was, how gullible we had been.

Knocking down all nuclear power plants costs fortune and takes god knows how long.
But it's worth the money and time in the long run. Close it now before it's too late - demolishing is almost impossible, but we can at least shut them down and keep them under control, but it still requires sacrifice of human lives. - No, please no.

In 1991, I was working for an associated undertaking of a certain company who designed nuclear reactors that had an accident, a very serious accident, although at that time I believed it to be a minor problem.
I was young and ignorant, and was involved in re-checking of the technical drawing of the reactors, although I had no special knowledge.
Strangely, at that time, just double-checking what's on the paper didn't seem to me like a big deal and I still don't fully comprehend whether what I did was wrong.
I found out only yesterday that those two particular reactors escaped the worst case scenario by a matter of seconds. A tiny error could cause a fatal accident. That is how dangerous a nuclear power plant is.
The scariest thing is that humans make errors. Truth is even scarier than you would imagine, because it's not the designers and specialists who build the nuclear power plants. They are contractors and sub-contractors from the building industry.

I was shocked when I saw the YouTube clip that shows the hideous truth behind the wall of nuclear power plants, in which people told stories of their experience working in the nuclear power plants without having any idea how high the level of radiation they were exposed to. There must be many such people working in the nuclear power plants who are already contaminated directly, and for a long time, and died or developed severe illnesses over decades.

Truths have been covered up, the facts have been falsified and there might be many more people holding their mouth shut for the sake of keeping peace with the government and the employers.

God, if we don't shut down those nuclear power plants, it's not just people but the entire earth would have to suffer.
Do you think that I'm exaggerating it?
Is there really nothing we can do?
Now people outside Japan are scared to death of Japan, not just because of the aftershocks but for the fear of exposed to radiation.
Who can blame them? No one.

"Imagine the damage it costs to our life-style and our already fucked economy."
Some people might rebuke those who voice against nuclear power.
But the long-term damage it brings to our land, people and the economy must be even bigger.

I wonder if Japan's feudal society, the long-time trend of people in power holding too much control over all the important decisions are casting shadows on the anti-nuclear power activity. Many powerful people have the ego too huge to admit their mistake.

But isn't it the time now they've got to get their shit together, drop their troublesome ego and work together with their enemies to find the solution to this time-consuming, expensive problem?

Hard Lessons

2011-04-05T16:29:00.003+10:00

For a little over a week I've been sick from cold. Although now the symptoms are gradually dissipating, I copped it pretty bad this time.

My immune system is low due to the medication I've been on for a long time and once someone around me starts coughing, I pick up the virus almost on the spot, and the fact no one wears mask here in Australia doesn't help me either.
I really should've had the flu shot that my friends repeatedly told me to, now I'd have to hear her say "I told you so"...
You see Japanese people wearing masks everywhere during winter (now for the different reason as well), which looks probably weird to general public here. So I don't wear it either to avoid looking like a terrorist.

As for the other reason now my country people wearing masks; the high level of radioactive substances in the air - I think it's rather ridiculous since wearing mask alone doesn't prevent people from radiation exposure. They should really be covering most of their body AND wearing the mask to minimize the exposure, it shouldn't be too hard since it's still cold up in north.

Radiation permeates into their skin and hair from being outside, taking bath, etc., and enters their body from ingesting food and drinking water as well.

Here I start to wonder which is more risky, to avoid breathing in the contaminated air and eating contaminated food, etc., or eat and drink, going for a walk on sunny days as you normally would.
Wouldn't you think the latter is healthier than getting stuck inside and not eating and drinking or bathing enough?
Or should they all move out of the unofficial danger zone as well?
Sure there are people who need to move away from the area, like aged people, newborn or expecting mothers, but what will happen if everyone starts moving to other safer areas?

It's depressing and tormenting to read Japanese newspaper everyday, and having to listen to people around me talk and ask me about Fukushima nuclear power plant, besides my relatives live in Fukushima. As a Japanese I really appreciate all the help from people all over the world, but it can be hard sometimes to hear something as bad as this all the time.

March brought us too many catastrophes and pain, but April is time for a new start.
Probably we've learned a lot from tragedies and mistakes by now. Maybe we can put the new-born wisdom to good use.

Well, for me I definitely should get a flu shot.

Lessons are often hard to learn.

Freaky fluke.

2011-03-26T18:52:00.006+11:00

It has been a long time since I last updated my blog.
I know, it was nearly one month ago.
I still haven’t got around to editing the rest of my short story.
Meanwhile, too many sad news came along my way.

Earthquakes, floods and people around me dying all happened at once, as if it were a chain of freaky coincidences.

Maybe it has something to do with the strong lunar energy around 18th of March, when moon came closest to earth in 18 years. Or it could be the ominous sign of “end of the world” like some say. In the worst case scenario, predicted a friend of mine that the world comes to end within 5 years.

The number of catastrophes happening around the world is too alarming to pass it as just fluke tragedies.

Whatever starts must end.
There was an advanced civilization long before the emergence of the Neanderthal, said Charles Berlitz in his book “the Bermuda triangle” first published in 1975.
The human civilization ended once, due to the balance of environmental system collapsed. The obsession for the technological advancements led to human being destroying themselves.
What’s happening now looks worryingly resembled to what presumably took place tens of thousands of years ago.

When one dies, I believe, the soul goes back to where it came from – the universe.
Even if the life ends and the soul coming out of its body, the spirit goes afloat in the space somewhere and enters into the body again when it’s ready to restart a life from scratch.
We all make mistakes, we often say.
However, some of which are irreversible and deadly.

Are we going to make the same mistakes that humans from the lost civilization made?
Is it too late to make the miracle happen?

The prayers to god may not be enough to save the world.

I'd have to bitterly admit:
We can't go backwards.
We are too used to the convenience which we take for granted.
I won't say it is a futile effort that the world is now making.
Not one effort is a waste of time and money.

But - if the human civilization to end once again, it will give the nature to rejuvenate and create the ideal balance that living creatures require to survive.

I will, in the meantime, live my life the best I can, be happy and content, take my part in saving natural resources and let the fate take its course.

26-FEB

2011-02-27T01:30:00.012+11:00

For the past 5 days I've been spending all my free time editing and modifying the short story I wrote years ago, which reminded me the struggle and the excitement I went through while I was in the creative writing course.
The editing process proved to be both enjoyable and daunting at the same time just as I thought.
In fact, everyday and every time as I tackle this project I find something I don't like.
No matter how many times I re-read my writing there are always some parts I'm not happy with.
So I edit a bit, still not satisfied and I change words, delete few lines and alter some descriptions.
Then I post it, and find my writing still awkward.
I find myself getting cold feet, feeling exposed and humiliated.
Then again these consequences were already expected before I even started it.
So I say to myself 'whatever' and let myself engrossed with the endless persuit of 'my style' that works.
I might never find it but I will try regardless of the result.

Someone in my class commented on my original draft as wordy, over-discriptive, over-sentimental and predictable. He was really sharp, but his remarks were also spot-on, I have to admit.
However, I didn't agree with all what he said because his own style was way too journalistic for story-writing. He would've made a good critic, though.
My understanding of his criticism was; density may not be a bad thing, as long as it matches the effect that I intend, but in most circumstances, the over-use of colouful discriptive language makes the story sound self-indulgent and tacky, so to say. What I attempted to achieve was the ability to use the space effectively in my writing and create the rhythm that matches the story.

That's why I like Tim Winton. I think he's masterful in the use of space in writing. He can evoke feelings and images so effortlessly and his fragmental writing style seems to work so well (like prose poems).
His writing has the feel of a fine music and it never ceases to amaze me.

When I first wrote this assignment story, my teacher suggested me to read "The Lover" by Margaret Duras.
I remember reading the book few years ago and found the writing fairly dense, but it indeed, matched the feel and the climate of the location where the story was based - Saigon, one of the river-side town by the Mekong river.
I seem to remember that the story was about a french woman's experience as a lover of a wealthy young Chinese guy in the hot, humind summer in Saigon, when she was 15.
The smell of opium drifting in his room. He gives her money and she accepts to have sex with him. The thought that she maybe in love with him never enters her mind.
As it was the memoir of Duras's own experience, the observation was sharp, and yet almost detached.
There was heavy use of discriptive language, as far as I remember, which amplified the weight and the vividness of her experience gradually unfolded in the story. It also had the poetic edge to it, which I think is because of , again, 'rhythm' reminiscent of the boats rocking in the Mekong river. Probably the dense style of her writing was a deliberate attempt to evoke the strong feel of 'being there'.
I found the story suffocatingly erotic though. The controversial aspect of the under-age girl selling her body to a man, the smell of sweat, the description of the climate all orchestrate together to highlight the sensuality. That was the impression I got from that book.
Actually I might check out this book again. It's always nice to get back to reading the same book again as my interpretation of the story changes slightly each time I read it..

When I write, there's this temptation to use descriptive language way more than what's necessary. As a result nothing is left to imagination, which is precisely I don't want.

I'm writing it in memoir-style, but actually it mostly relies on my imagination, so it's going to be difficult to place myself in the protagonist's position, but I know I'll enjoy it partly for that challenge.
For the time being I'm lost without a clear direction, but it's an experiment so I could change bits and pieces of this draft later. Anyway, I think it's enough for today.

Le Renaissance 3

2011-02-26T20:46:00.023+11:00

I was four when I came to Fukuoka with my parents, due to my dad being transferred from Tokyo head office. Nana was a local girl who lived just a stone’s throw away from my house.

I still remember. It was my first day at the kindergarten and I was feeling very nervous. Most of the day I hid myself in the corner of the playroom and cringed away from other kids. The entire room seemed as if was gradually expanding in front of me, which made me terrified and miserable.
I kept looking at the floor vacantly, doodling on an imaginary paper. Some time later, a set of small feet stepped into my view. Moving my eyes slowly up, I saw a pretty girl with a pert smile looking down at me. With a slight hesitation, the girl asked me to join her in the playground. I looked into her brown eyes, nodded shyly and took Nana’s small hand.
From then on I quickly adjusted into the new environment and started learning the local dialect. I made a few new friends, including the neighbourhood boy called Hiroshi. He was a good friend to both of us, but not part of 'us'.
Nana and I became inseparable as we grew up. We were closer than sisters, taking a bath together, sharing a bed, and she was my only and most trusted confidante.

10 years later, we were still best friends, but not innocent little girls anymore. After coming back from the local creek I suddenly couldn’t fathom the uneasiness that Nana's ordinary question triggered in me.
- Was she teasing me?
I had no way of knowing, but the way she touched me made my body tingle. That slow, gentle way she let her fingers play on my skin was to me appeared deliberate.
Maybe it was nothing. I always adored Nana and maybe this intangible chemistry was part of our closeness.

Still, a question lingered in my mind.
- Has anything changed between us?

It was that night Dad announced that our family was moving to Yokohama within a month. What - within a month?
It was a bolt from the blue and way too much a shock for me to take in at once. I felt stifled and numb as if I was gradually drowning under the dark, cold water.
My new school and our residence were already organised by the time he told me the news. I couldn’t blame him for evading the topic for so long, for everyone knew that second year of Junior-high was an important preparation time for the high-school entrance exam.

I grew increasingly moody and petulant as the day got closer to my departure. Nana was visibly disturbed and upset by my uncharacteristic crankiness and asked for the explanation that I couldn't provide.
The pain couldn’t be summed up by those three words “I miss you”.
It was killing me.

***

Ever since I left Fukuoka, I kept myself occupied with my study and work, without having any clear future plan. I just let the time pass and hoped that the haunting memory would go away eventually. It didn’t.
For twenty years I tried to wiggle away from the ghost from the past.
I had a job in a publishing company and lived in the coolest part of Tokyo, hanging around with so-called creative crowd, going out with rich, good-looking corporate guys and taking this nonchalant attitude to protect myself from getting too close to one person.

Weekends’ dates became my duties. Over the years I was taken to Tokyo Disneyland for a date for fuck sake, a gorgeous hotel on Christmas Eve and some ‘boo’-ring Hollywood movies that I detested. And I was an infamous speak-as-I-find bitch. Inevitably my boyfriend went out of my sight one after another, leaving the look as if to say you-are-so-insatiable.
- You don’t know me. I can be satisfied with anything with the right person. I thought, and each time, the old memory came back fresh and tormented me.

My heart whispered as it repeated the sepia-tainted vision of the pebbly road to my old house, the cleavage between the hills and the masculine mountains sitting beyond the wheat fields, and Nana.

***

Around four o'clock in the morning, I open my eyes from a short, restless sleep. The deep blue surface of the sea is gradually turning celestial white as the sun rises. I am mesmerised.
For ages my heart had been so hard and dry that it had long-forgotten to be touched or moved by anything, but now it is starting to remember, it is opening up and all my senses are coming alive.
I keep watching.
There is no sound, other than my heart beating and my breathing in and out quietly and yet steadily, and the rhythm synchronises with the vibration of the train taking me back to the past.

*** To Be Continued ***

LE RENAISSANCE 2

2011-02-22T16:05:00.008+11:00

The shrill sound of the bell penetrates my ear, followed by the businessmen’s rushing into the carriage, and too slowly, the doors close and the drowsy old train makes the dull, heavy shriek as the aged wheel finally moves. Then the silence falls.

***

- Almost two decades has passed since then.

I was in the second year of Junior High, and looking forward to the summer holiday. It was the day I finished the semester exam. End of exam was always a big event; my friend Nana and I went to the local creek streaming behind the elementary school we used to go to, while most of other students went to Tenjin area, or Hakata, two of the most exciting spots in Hukuoka city dotted with restaurants, cafes and bookshops.
It sure was tempting to eat Tonkotsu noodles at one of those la-men stands and taste the rich, sizzling pork based soup with thick and chewy, a bit yellowish noodles out of our small pocket money, but for me nothing was more precious and irresistible than spending time with Nana.

Nana - her brown hair soft and smooth, those big dark eyes that shine like fragile glass, the porcelain white face that illuminates in the sun and, that soft rosebud lips. Oh so pretty she was, and so perfect; she was my exact image of how a girl should look like.

***

We lay our skinny body side by side on the gravel bank of the creek, soaking bare feet in the cool water, feeling the sleekness runs over our skin. Crystal drops of light shimmer and sway on the surface of the water.
My eyes are fixed on her delicate face, flushed pink with heat and I teasingly twine and untwine her waist long hair with my index finger. Nana smiles and pinches my ear. The tingling sensation hits my body and I blush.
Nana’s hands are crossed under her egg-shaped head. Still trying to control my breath, I close my eyes as she talks about some hunky in her class.

– And what about you, Chisa-chan? Come on, who’s your favourite?
She suddenly asks.

- Who’s my favourite.

It's a common question, which now I ask myself with the uncertainty and uneasiness I never felt before.
Strange, the thought never came across my mind.
I dunno. Let’s just hope this moment to last forever.....

*** To Be Continued ***

LE RENAISSANCE

2011-02-21T15:04:00.014+11:00

I hadn't been writing stories since my graduation from the creative writing course. It's been 6 years, or 7 years almost. Last night I accidentally found my old assignment in the wardrobe - my clumsy writing. The awkward use of words is too evident, and yet I could see that I was trying to find my style, experimenting by using different tenses in a story. I was enjoying it.

I thought I might start editing these stories a bit, just to see what will happen, for the heck of it.
It could be fun.
---------------------------------------------------------------
It begins like this.

***

A flash back. A girl in a pale yellow dress, emblazoned with sunflowers is waving her hand. Her long straight hair, curling slightly at the end is waltzing in the gentle breeze.
Her expression is hardly visible in the shade of her lacy white hat.
She doesn’t know yet: in the next morning, she would come here just as usual and look around restlessly to find me.
Hey, she’s turning back, she’s turning back, and the sparkling pixels on her fine black hair disperse in my eyes as it flutters in the wind.
Then I try to say something at her back. I can’t. My throat is tight as if were strangled by a shapeless creature. And I swallow my words. I gaze at her small back diminishing in the fading light, for timeless time until my eyes get sore and something feverish comes up to my throat.

***

The night express train is finally arriving at Yokohama station. The destination on the plate says "Kokura" where I will transfer to a local train that takes me to Hakata, the final destination.

After having waited nearly half an hour, I enter the musty, dim carriage with tinge of anticipation and nagging hesitation. Half the seats are empty and most passengers appear to be pale-faced men heading for a business trip. These seats, covered with dust are used as alternative beds for those spend nights on the train and a neatly folded blanket is placed at the edge of each bed. This would suit me fine, I thought, this tiny, filthy bed and the dead quietness with fatigue aloft in the stuffy air. I brush the dust off, sit there leaning against the wall and shift my eyes crossways to the square shaped, fixed window that is no much larger than my face and wait for another 10 minutes or so before it departs.

The platform is at the rear end of this huge station on the top level. It is quiet here. It feels unreal just listening to the sound of local trains coming and going and the announcements, while hundreds of thousands of people are flooding over other platforms and stairs thrusting each other.
It is around 7pm. Every few minutes the tidal wave of people attacks a train and are plunged into those tiny doors. In a blinking moment the whole train is crammed up. The familiar scene filled with the depressing smell of weariness and frustration of human being, will be repeated countless times, at the same place, same time, with same faceless crowds.

And now, says I, my farewell to Yokohama.

*** To Be Continued ***

A mobile phone should be just a mobile phone.

2011-02-19T17:53:00.006+11:00

It is getting harder to find a new mobile phone that is solid, simple and long-lasting.

Do you agree?

The last mobile phone I had was Motorola Razr V3, which I used for 3 years. It started experiencing minor reception issue before I eventually upgraded to my current mobile phone, but was still sort-of working.
It was the first camera phone I owned.

As far as I can remember there weren't many people around me who had a camera phone 10 years ago, and yet now in 2011, Nokia is selling this 12 mega-pixel camera phone and I find myself getting dissatisfied with the 3.2 mega-pixel camera phone I have.

The clearer the image definition is the better.

And a mobile phone with 12 mega-pixel lens?
Bloody Oath!

However there is one thing I hate about all the latest camera phones.

That is - a good camera phone is not just a camera phone anymore.
It’s more like a mini-computer that comes with phone, digital camera, GPS, mobile internet, radio and MORE.

Worse even, if you want a 12-mega-pixel camera phone, you'd have no choice but to put up with the myriad features you don’t need or use.

I was researching on some latest mobiles that I was interested in, and read many people’s reviews complaining of the phone switching off itself out of nowhere, the reception dropping, the screen freezing and its short battery life.
Gee, I mean - what do you expect?

The bottom line is, no matter how many functions it has, it is still a mobile phone - a mobile phone that is overloaded with too many apps that eat up bites and battery life. So? What do you think would happen if you multitask on what essentially is a phone?

When I first bought my new mobile phone, I was immediately excited and used FM radio and music player, and I thought “COOL!”, but the excitement waned just as quickly since the battery ran out within a day, and yet if I use it just for calling and txt-ing, the battery lasts at least for 3-4 days no prob.

Anyway, my point is, how easy is it to use Internet using the tiny qwerty keyboard? How entertaining is it to watching TV or movie on the extra-small screen?

How convenient and safe is a GPS that freezes every few minutes?

It is NOT convenient, it is NOT practical.

There are probably many people who would argue my point but who cares?

All I need is a mobile phone! If it comes with a good camera and easy txt-ing feature it would be a great bonus but please!!! Nothing more.

Adding extra apps just puts the price up and makes the device more flimsy.

And the phone is less likely to last for the 24-month contract period.

My freedom, his freedom and the space between us.

2011-02-18T00:11:00.008+11:00

Often when I catch up with my girlfriends I stay out till late (very late) and indulge myself with the freedom similar to what average single girls and guys have.
Plus half the time I never send txt to my husband to let him know either whereabout I am or what time I would be home. Because it would spoil the fun and excitement of smelling the youth and freedom wafting in the air again, the smell that takes me back to my 20s.

"Our relationship needs space and freedom. Lack of these qualities kill the romance."

When we tell this to other people - although it depends on how open-minded those people are, many raise their eyebrows as if to say it is a big scandal.

In Japan the amount of freedom of married women is usually lower than that of married men, which was especially clear in the old days. "A wife should be home when huband comes home." That was the way it was in my parent's generation.

However, I think having my own life is as important as the life of us together.

You may understand this if you have a close friend once-upon-a-time whom you lost touch after he/she found a partner, a girlfriend or a boyfriend.

Well, I understand the difficulty of making time for your friend when you're too occupied with work and other engagements. Saving that time for your partner may seem like the utmost importance, and yes. I find it important, too.
Yet, when I draw a mental picture of us being always together and only having ourselves to share everything, the image becomes unbearable. It suffocates me because "sharing" becomes a duty rather than something special. Having the "quality time together" becomes a routine rather than a precious treat.

Ian and I, are of course a husband and a wife, but also are two separate people.
It's love and life we share, not all our time outside work.
I do not own him or his life. His life is his own which, has become part of our life together.

It always amazes me how Ian's liveliness cheers me up - god, I just don't believe this guy.
The way he gets so excited and talks non-stop, or gets so frustrated and starts chucking tantrums like a kid. After nearly 6 years of our marriage he's still the most infectiously interesting, vibrant and lovable guy in my life. Oh dear, I can't help adoring him. .

You see, I can't kill this character that I love the most. He HAS to stay the way he is.
If I know everything he does, we have nothing to talk about - because there'd be no need to talk. Having his space and freedom keeps him 'alive' in its true sense and gives me the full joy of watching him doing things that he's passionate about, enjoying time with his friends and listening to him talk about it - although I'd have to admit there are times when I only half-listening like when I'm completely utterly flat-out and exhausted. Well, that is excusable isn't it?

I often wonder what the difference between marriage and defactoship is.
Maybe the difference is not that big if not at all. Perhaps I could ask Ian about that.

Last time when I was with my friends, I forgot how late it was and failed to ring him.
Just before midnight when I finally took out my mobile phone, I found this long list of missed calls and txts from him. "Oops." I thought and at the same time I felt so special to find out that he really cares about me.

After all, Ian is my family - I should at least give him a ring to let him know that I'm fine, I'd take a cab home if it gets super late and that I love him.

No Title.

2011-02-14T00:42:00.004+11:00

For a long time I had had nothing exciting to write about. I still don’t.

There's no new menu on the dinner table.

Talking of weather is getting tad boring.

Getting up late feeling as if I have no energy at all - feeling low and fatigued.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s my medication making me drowsy.

Other time, I think it’s my slackness.

Now I can not even determine which one is the culprit.

I did practically nothing over last week apart from going to work.

The lounge is cluttered with Ian’s music gears.
It has transformed into something like a bachelor’s bungalow – I bet you'll have a picture in your head.

The sight of it is enough to de-motivate me to clean up the house.

Oh well, oh well, he will do it when he’s got time…means when?

I couldn’t be bothered to move that stuff.

The house is in the total mess.

Should I clean it?

Oh crap, I’ll wait until he moves those gears out of the room.

Surprisingly I had full of excuses for Not-To-Do things.

A bored wife going through the early pre-menopausal depression killing time snacking and watching TV…soon, all the alarming bells would start going off at once.

Four days ago,

I looked myself in the full-size mirror and noticed the flabbiness on my thighs and biceps. It looks imbalanced because the rest of my body is skinny as a rake.

Now, it’s the confession time.

I hadn’t been doing my daily exercise for quite some time, not even my pseudo yoga.

I looked horrible.

Three days ago, I’ve finally decided to do something with it.

And this was the plan. To get one thing done per day - Just ONE thing.

Day one. I wiped off the floor where the stubborn smears of glue were stuck over the large area in the doorway.

Day two. I did washing and aired doona during the day.

Day three. I plucked some weeds in the backyard and did some yoga exercise after god-knows-how-long.

Today. Cleaned the bathroom and went out for barbie in the park.

I still feel sluggish, but my motivation is definitely on its way back.

Life Begins at 40.

2011-02-05T10:00:00.013+11:00

It was a week or so ago when I found the article on the veteran Japanese tennis player Kimiko Date-Krumm.

Until now I didn’t realize that she was the same age as I.

Yesterday I celebrated my 40^th in a pouring rain.

Ian and I were at the Thai restaurant on Brunswick Street, Fitzroy, watching the people walking up and down the street.

Lightening flashed and thunder roared.

Outside, young guys and girls on their way from parties and drinks huddled together under the awning.

Well, the rain was pouring alright, but it was Friday night. There were still heaps of people out, eating and partying, wow-ing at the lightenings, just like we did.

It was quite amazing.

For some strange reason, 40 was the age I was looking forward to.

January was a horrible month. First there was the tragedy in Queensland, and next was my own DinoDirect debacle. Now I feel sort of content again that I have done all I could.

And I still have a good feeling about this year.

Then again, I haven’t felt doomed for over 5 years.

My turning point was when I met Ian. He was the one who made me stronger and transformed me into a confident, more cheerful type.

I don’t believe in the word “I have no regrets”, not when I’m still half way through my life, not even when I’m nearly there – not until I’m actually there...I mean, at the end of my life.

I have many regrets that I’ve learned a great deal from.

Regrets can turn into challenges, right?

The next time around, whatever the regret is about, you will do your best to do it right and more often than not, you will (do that right).
If not, you will do it better.

That way, you take regret away from your life, one by one.

At least that is what I believe.

With Kimiko Date-Krumm, there’s no denying that she doesn’t have the same energy that she had in her 20s, but she has the skills even more developed than at her peak to cover her disadvantages.

The article written by the guy called Paul McNamee cut right into my heart.

Which titled, "Life begins at 40." (This is a fabulous writing, check this out.)

In the article he mentioned 1996 Wimbledon semi-final where she had the grueling game against then-world number one Steffi Graff.

I clearly remember watching that game with my eyes glued on the TV screen.

The way that Paul guy summed up the Wimbledon semifinal 1996 was so spot-on that it made me emotional.

When the game was suspended because of "fading light", reasoned by the umpire, I cursed and screamed in my head. It seemed ridiculous as the sun was still high enough…

In that minute, everyone knew that the momentum had gone.

Looking back, I still think she would’ve won that game if the game was played on that night.

During her retirement speech, 26-year-old Kimiko Date put on brave face as she said that she was happy to have achieved as high as she had.

It could've been even higher than what she had imagined herself.

Back in 1996, I was one of many Japanese who secretly believed that she could make it to world No.1.

And of course, I blamed her for her crushing under the pressure just like that (although I'm very kind to myself).

The pressure and expectation must have been too much for young Kimiko Date.

In one of the interviews she had overseas (I think it was in

Australia

), she told the interviewer that the reason she came back to playing tennis was because her husband hassled her into.

Come on, Kimiko. He just knew that you wanted to play tennis. He (the German car racer Michael Krumm) just gave you the little push you needed!!!

If 40 is the beginning of the second life, I’m just a new-born.

I don’t know yet what future holds.

I may have more regrets, more lessons to learn from.

I am so clever. I'm so invincible…Oh, AS IF.

Life has just started now, you stupid! :D

When you are in a country where you are the foreigner.

2011-01-30T15:18:00.007+11:00

When you are in a foreign country especially on a short visit, the language barrier is bound to be your biggest challenge.

I first visited Australia to study English in 1999. It was only a two-month visit and my English was pretty bad, although it wasn’t like I didn’t speak any English at all.

It was Perth I stayed during those 2 unforgettable months. The beach was beautiful, and the blue in the sky was the deepest blue I’d ever seen.

Inside the ESL institution I didn’t have too much problem understanding English; the clear-spoken, proper English the teachers used with no slangs or swear words. They also spoke slowly.

However, outside the class was a totally different story.

English spoken in the real world was quite different from teacher’s English. It was near impossible to keep up with their…like, speaking speed, their thick Perth accent (you won’t notice the difference if you are Australian) and the idioms and the slangs.

My shyness didn’t help either. I pushed my courage as far as could to reach out to people and spoke to them, with my nervousness so obvious on my face.

I felt their impatience growing, and felt my own courage crushing inside, which freaked me out and made me even more confused. The humiliation was overwhelming.

I was lost in the place where there is no Japanese sign whatsoever, where hardly no one speaks Japanese unless you luckily come across with fellow Japanese in the area.

If you mutter some English words in Japanese accent, I guarantee 99% won’t even understand you.

So I know exactly how foreign travellers feel in

Japan

Well, at least Japan is a safe country to travel around alone.

Back in

Japan

I started talking to more people of different nationalities. I learned a bit of Indonesian, Chinese, a few Arabic words and more English.

What I was trying at that time was being more open-minded and out-going.

You’d see many English speakers in Tokyo. Particularly in Shibuya, you see many of them hanging around with some young Japanese.

What’s common in those who manage to cruise through their stay in Japan and learn the language quickly is their laid-back, open attitude.

They are not scared of speaking patchy Japanese and getting misunderstood.

Let’s face it – you’re in a different country, and you can’t escape some embarrassing moments caused by the language barrier.

Actually no one is trying to humiliate you. You are the only one feeling humiliated.

Leave that fear behind when you are in a different country.

You have to be adventurous and go with the flow.

Eventually you’ll learn the language however slowly it may be.

That way, you’ll make more friends and you’ll have a lot more fun.

In the end, we are all humans.

My time in Perth was still great in spite of numerous humiliating moments I had there. lol

Hindsight is 20/20

2011-01-27T00:08:00.004+11:00

I have to confess that I’ve been a frequent online shopper, although it’s not like I order something that I don’t need. - and it’s not all bad. In actual fact, buying online has saved me a fair amount of money.

Most products are exactly the same items you can get from local retail shops, just that you can get them at better prices. Besides, you can cancel the order if you change your mind and you will always receive refund if something is wrong with the item. All you have to do is simply returning the item via reply-paid post. Simple.

But, that was until now.

Recently I was looking for something which turned out, is not available in Australia.

However, after doing some Google search, I found out that the item is available at the online shopping site called “DinoDirect.”

I’ve heard the company name before, and the name comes up on “getprice.com.au”, “myshopping.com.au” and other popular websites that help you get a great deal.

- A well-known company that offers great variety of products at affordable prices, and who also offers free-shipping. The reviews - all good.

Unlike usual, I didn’t ask myself twice “what’s the catch then?”

The day after I placed orders on the site, I went to their discussion forum for the first time.

Oh dear, it was flooded with massive numbers of complaints and pleas. I was shocked but thought – Nah, it shouldn’t be that bad…well, I was wrong.

In retrospect everything makes sense. The company invests a lot for advertising themselves on the popular websites to make them visible to wide and large population, using Facebook to get more customers.

The problem is, their customer-service is almost non-existent. The customer service officers (if there are one) don’t understand or write English well enough, which makes even my English look better.

Their answers are always in the same format, straight out of the list of prepared answers.

And most probably they're using google translator or some sort to understand customers’ emails and posts on the forum.

I wasn’t really expecting that I was going to be one of their victims.

I paid the insurance for my orders and didn’t pester them to get a quick delivery.

“Well, give them some time and they’ll send me the items eventually.” That’s what I was thinking.

Anyway, after two or so weeks of waiting, a poorly packaged parcel arrived at my door, which contained nothing I wanted but two wrong items. That’s when the nightmare started.

Immediately I sent the company polite emails with photos, relevant documents attached as proof of receiving the incorrect items.

Geez, I didn’t receive any form of answer till I became impatient and started harassing them with numerous posts and emails. They eventually got back to me but the answer was far from what I was expecting. They didn’t even admit to their mistake.

Initially I asked them to re-send the correct items, but they refused.

Then I asked for refund. They refused.

Then I offerred to return the items via reply-paid post. They asked me to pay the postage.

It was the final straw for me. I stopped being nice and wrote an angry email with heaps of f-words.

By that time, I thought “No, I am not going to back down. Don’t underestimate me just because I’m Japanese.”

I sent another email with the same set of photos that clearly show the difference between the ordered items and the wrong ones and requested to check the photos closely before I escalate my Paypal dispute (yes I already have) to Paypal claim.

That’s when I finally received their email saying that they are willing to refund. However they asked me to trust them and close the dispute first. – The thing is, once you called off the dispute, there’s no guarantee that they will keep their words, and you can’t re-open the dispute.

I warn you, there are some companies whose words you can never trust, and DinoDirect is one of them. I don’t know what they will do next, but if they don’t refund within the time limit I will claim my money back through Paypal.

What I learned from the gut-wrenching, stressful, teeth-gritting experience was that I can’t just believe what comes up on popular websites.

My advice. Before you make a purchase through an online shop, do thorough research and check both positive and negative reviews, and acknowledge the potential risk when you place an order.

Simply put, I was gullible.

The safest bet is not buying anything from DinoDirect or any similar drop-shipping companies.

When you live overseas, sometimes you can’t get everything you want, but it’s safer to compromise with what you can get locally than banging your head against a brick wall.

Thoughts going on in my mind...

2011-01-14T16:50:00.004+11:00

We all have strengths and weaknesses.
Ian's is Farmer's Union Iced Coffee. He just can't seem to live without it.
I can suggest him to cut down on the amount, but I can't push him to stop.

My weaknesses is lack of motivation and commitment, which I often have to remind myself.

There are things that I can't solve.
I can work on my problem as long as that's coming from my own doing,
When someone else is having a problem, I think my helping power is limited.
It's sort of depends on what kind of problem it is and what kind of person that I'm trying to help.

I'm not perfect and no one can expect me to be perfect...so I won't expect you to be perfect either.
But I can't live without you and I would rather live with you with your small problems.

With the recent floods in Queensland, there are few things I will do to help, but still, my power is limited.
No matter how bad it is, it's one of those things that no one can control.
Nature gives you the pleasure as well as torture.

We can't live without it, and we have to live with it.

We're lucky just to be alive and still have things to smile about.

Electric Stove in the 30s.

2011-01-10T17:16:00.004+11:00

These days I’ve been so busy, not from doing domestic works, but putting up ads of some toys and gadgets we’re selling, organising catch-ups with friends, preparing some letters of complaints, etc.etc…..well, it’s been one of those times where everything happens at the same time and you have to organise so many things at once.

I was so flat out when I found something really old and interesting.

It’s a little cookbook titled “Cooking on the Moffat Electric Range”

The book was in fairly good condition considering it was left in a box in the outside garden shed for over one year, and god knows where it had been prior to that.

Anyway, when Ian saw the book, he said that it must be from the 50s. Judging from the paper condition, it was a reasonable guess. But the pictures in some pages looked more old-fashioned.

I’d never heard of the name “Moffat” or “Metters KFB”, you know how it’s like. It caught my curiosity and yep, I punched in the keywords “Metters KFB Moffat Electric Ranges” into Google straight away.

Oh I’m telling you. The information that came up was astonishing.

This was a cast iron electric stove manufactured in Melbourne by an Australian manufacturer called Metters KFB, and this book was published in 1937.

1937? No fuck'in way!

This company no longer exist. It was taken over by the US firm Email LTD, according to the information on Museum Victoria website.

An electric stove, in 1937. That is unbelievable as it is, since not many Australians would've had electricity connection at home back then. - and it's a beautiful stove, isn't it?

It must have been belonged to Ian’s grandma. Wow, she must’ve had a lot of money, eh!

Obviously you can find this book in National Library of Australia, and there I believe, you can find one with the book cover still on it whereas this one we’ve got doesn’t have the cover.

Check out the page with her handwriting on.

Hey she got “recipe” misspelled!

2011 has begun.

2011-01-04T22:37:00.002+11:00

What have I done since Christmas?
I caught up with my old friend. Worked until the New Year's Eve.
Oh, the NYE. I was by myself since Ian was working in the city.
Drinking more than half a bottle of sparkling wine by myself and watched the breathtaking fireworks shooting up into the sky from my backyard.
At least, Ian and I were watching the same fireworks in the different places.

For some reason, there was no festivity in the air once the new year came. All I did was hanging around in the bedroom and lounge most of the time or going for a walk in between.
There's "Cloud Street" by Tim Winton still open on the coffee table. This time it seems to take forever to finish reading.

There were a few plans destructed by some unexpected fuck-ups.
Already some good and bad things happened. More bad than good, so far.
Which means (I hope), there will be more good than bad for the rest of this year.

My holiday is over.
And I find myself looking forward to going back to work.

Smiles in my heart.

2010-12-25T16:00:00.005+11:00

Ian came back from Tasmania in the midnight.
The date already turned to 25th.

Being so happy to see each other again, we just sat down in the lounge, stayed up for a while and talked. About an hour later I fell into a peaceful slumber.

For the last few days, people everywhere were talking about their holiday plans and party plans. It sure is an exciting time of the year.

Well, I don’t have any such plans. But when I think about what happiness is, it comes to me that just having him is the best thing in my life and what makes me the happiest.

Ian also gave me the Christmas card and a pressie from my sister-in-law.
As usual I opened the Christmas card first, thinking, “Ok, another impersonal Christmas card.”
And then opened the present.

It was a musical box. She knew that I love my musical boxes.
But what made me feel so special was the message on the box.

It said:

A sister opens up her heart,
And spreads love
Far and wide.
Remember there’s
An Angel near,
Forever by your side.

Of course those words are not hers, but she searched something special for me, something so perfect, only for me.

Usually when we talk to each other, there is still some awkwardness that keeps us from talking in an intimate way. But we feel it, that there’s something warm between us, and that at the bottom of our heart, we want to open up to each other at a deeper level.
It just takes some time.

I took the message as her telling me that she knows it, although she doesn’t say that face to face.

Thank you.

It is the best Christmas ever.

10 more days to Christmas.

2010-12-16T23:21:00.010+11:00

For me as a child, Christmas was a day when I find a study book under my pillow in the morning. It was exactly the same every year and there was no way Santa could've chosen such a pressie for a girl.
But sometimes either dad or one of my aunties got me some fairytale books by Andersen and Grimm.

Little Match Girl, that's the first thing that pops in my mind during the Christmas season.
The story of the poor girl overdosing herself to go to the heaven? (It's strange that Andersen's fairytale is more grim than Grimm's.)
A sad but beautiful story. Then again, most beautiful stories have sad element in them.

My auntie always used to give me a large slab of chocolate for the Christmas, with Santa and the rain deer embossed on it, probably imported from somewhere in the Europe. The Andersen's story conjures up a completely different picture from that but I could still feel the same snowy 'White Christmas' of the Northern Europe. The perfect Christmas.

I did Christmas decoration last Friday. Very modestly, with a secondhand wreath and a tree-shaped ornament, and the small plastic Christmas tree about 30 years old with some broken branches.

On the Christmas tree are angels, little soldiers, a santa, gnomes and little wooden toys dangling loosely on its fragile twigs. I'd never had one myself so this is the only Christmas tree I've ever had. The Christmas tree that spent many Christmas with Ian, his mother and sister, just three of them after his dad died.

I'm not a Christian.
Do Japanese celebrate Christmas? Yes we do, but it is more of a special event for couples while over here it's the time you spend with your loved ones and friends.

One of my friends hate Christmas for its hypocritical side, where retail industry takes advantage on people's frame of mind during this season - more cheerful and generous, meaning more likely to go on a spending spree. Just like Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day and Easter where all shops use the occasion to promote seasonal sales.

I'm not a Christian.
Still, there is something special about Christmas.
It brings more nice out of people, makes me see more nice in people and I feel my heart touched.

A Weekend Getaway

2010-12-06T17:03:00.005+11:00

On Saturday Ian took me to a drive to Craigieburn-Bradford-Seymour area. I was a little fluey, and still am, but I was just about fed up with staying inside, so it was a nice change to get out of the city.

I took my digital camera with me in hope of capturing some interesting objects on the way, but it was just a drive. There would've been no chance of stopping in the middle of the road in normal circumstances.

Country scenery is picturesque but sometimes not as impressive in your photos as what you really see.
It could be just me but it seems like a photo doesn’t do much justice unless you are a true genius.

What I was looking for was something ordinary, like traffic sign boards – something you'd see everywhere, but looks different in such places where there’s nothing but a straight-nothing road in the middle of nothing, the landscape with just grass, trees and mountains.

There were few things appealed to me that I failed to take the photos of.

A bent road sign.
A small bridge (from the perfect angle).
A creek so tiny that you could miss quite easily unless you are walking along the road. There was a sign showing the name of it, but our car drove passed too fast that I couldn’t see the sign properly.

I used to walk along country roads in Japan where cars driving at a top speed just a metre or two away from you, though occasionally.
I probably was a bit mad. I didn’t really care so far as a narrow pedestrian path was there, and there was nobody who told me ‘NO’ back then as I was always travelling by myself.
Freedom was mine.
Long time ago.

But now, there he was telling me ‘no’ preaching me how dangerous it is. I secretly cursed Ian for being over-protective like some parent.

‘Well’, I say to myself, ‘consider yourself lucky to have someone who cares about you.’

There is a reckless child in me who sometimes tries to rebel, whom I chide for her misbehaviour and stubbornness.

The road was quiet.

Ian frowned and ticked his tongue but stopped the car as many times as I turned on my camera (not on the freeway of course), rushing me to do it quick. Sorry for being a bad girl, darl…

It’s just that things intrigue me.
Nature is beautiful.
And so are you.

Memory of L.C.

2010-12-03T22:12:00.006+11:00

Some time ago I heard the sad news about my former writing teacher passing away.
The direct cause was a heart attack as far as I can remember, like many people do nowadays.

6 years ago he was my teacher, who came into the classroom with the unmistakable look of an alcoholic and the 'sweet' smell of booze that lingered in the air around him.
From time to time we had a discussion class at a nearby pub, talked about each other's current writing projects. The laid-back ambiance of the pub often made it easier for me to talk about this otherwise awkward subject.

He criticized about the course letting International students in without having a proper assessment, which I don't think he said what he said out of any bias or malice. Sure he didn't give me a good mark until my second year. Not too generous, he was, but fair and helpful.

He used to give me suggestions and more detailed feedback about my writing compared to some other teachers.

Few days ago I accidentally found his old email address on my contact list.
It begins with 'poormans', and it still stays on my list as a memento of him.

Semi-tone phobia.

2010-11-30T21:25:00.004+11:00

I hadn't been practicing recorder for some time till yesterday.

First I started with a classical piece, then moved onto something more funky.

There is this CD I specifically burned for my recorder practice, by which I mean it contains only songs that would suit recorder sound.

Anyway, I started playing along with the CD, thinking it shouldn't be too hard as most of those in the CD are practiced and played many times before. No. I was wrong.

The tuning of some songs was different from that I've been used to playing on my recorder.
Somehow it was subtly, but surely half or quarter of a semitone higher or lower and it disturbed me.

I hate using semitone to start with, as it makes the playing bloody hard.
I recall myself practicing piano as a girl, that I had exactly the same problem with semitones. Since then I've developed a serious chip on the shoulder, which I call 'semitone-phobia'.

As a matter of fact, it's possible to adjust a recorder tuning by loosening the joint part a bit. I was just making the imperfect tuning as an excuse to avoid playing the hard way, means following the original tuning, and that means practicing the piece from the scratch.

All right, all right I'll do it. Shit.

In the midst of the early afternoon slumber

2010-11-29T13:00:00.003+11:00

I drift off to somewhere else on and off.
It almost feels like I'm meditating, which, without crossing my legs in zen style. Even now as I type into this computer, my finger stops now and then, and my senses begin to concentrate on the sounds, natural light and the smell of the air coming through the windows.

The sound of rain pelting against the roof and windows are finally replaced with the cries of cockatoos, crows and sparrows.

Outside my window I see two massive gum trees. Clearing the bark and the leaves fallen all across the backyard can be tiresome, but those trees give the sense of serenity to my garden - no matter what the weather is, what time of the day it is. (Of course, except for the stormy days)

It was Ian who fell in love with this place we live.
“Love at first sight” you’d call it.
The large garage; the bloke’s ultimate dream and the two gum trees.
Now it’s me who love this place more than him.
The night sky with twinkling stars, the souring trees with arms stretching up high.

‘Reservoir’ the suburb is called. Just as the name represents, there are many lake reserves around here. Ian and I often go there after days of heavy rain to see the water level’s gone right up. The water roars into the catchment on such a day.

2001 was, from my hazy memory, was pretty wet as well. There were many grey, gloomy days and when it rained, streets and lanes came flooding with water.

This year has been different. The weather has been more ‘colourful’ – like the way it was in Japan. The year like this makes me appreciate the different weather the way it is.

At the end of the day

2010-11-26T21:20:00.002+11:00

As I was a kid, my mum always told me that I was hopeless about keep my room tidy. She was a type who worked compulsively, cleaned the house every mornings and nights and kept everything organised. She was super meticulous in every way.

I often felt so knocked out by the fact that I could never keep up to her standards. I couldn't do anything right by her. She kept making the futile effort to bring me into her ideal daughter, who does what she does, how she does and achieves higher than she had.

Her dream was shuttered when I developed epilepsy, when I failed to pass the entrance exam for Uni. I kept disappointing her by failing to keep my first marriage, and then finally leaving Japan permanently by marrying an Australian guy.

I rebelled, or tried to rebel by ignoring everything she told me to do or not to do. But what she said always stuck in my head. I have to admit some of her advices are very useful. Especially when it comes to organizing and cleaning, she was almost always right.

Day by day I'm getting better at getting things done and keeping my house organized. In the old days I insisted in doing things in my own way, which never worked so well.Now at the age when my mum brought me into this world, I find myself doing the housework the way she was doing - because it works.

I finally surrendered to the fact that I have a lot to thank her for.

My relationship with my family had been somewhat shaky, and it took me a long time coming to understand and appreciate them.

My self-esteem was constantly low in my early years. It was pathetic how I was putting on a brave face and pretending to be mature and strong while in reality feeling inadequate and fearing of rejection non-stop.
This pathetic me still comes up to surface every now and again, but overall I'm heaps happier and content with myself.

At the end of the day the words come up in my mind are
'thank you' and 'love you'.

Going back to the way it started.

2010-11-24T15:08:00.005+11:00

Sometimes I still get this familiar sense of discomfort when I write about my private life. Then again, I don't have to if I don't want to, and this blog doesn't have to be about self exposé.
It was my choice to make it something personal.

Initially I took an advantage on the fact that there weren't many readers (which is still true) and wrote my opinions and something more intimate at times.
In retrospect I could only do that because I wasn't translating it into Japanese.

These days, writing a new entry is no different to writing a diary. I've been updating it nearly everyday, but not with the same passion that I had when it started.
I don't exactly remember what my initial intention of setting up this blog was, but I feel that it's heading to something I don't like.

Recently it's getting increasingly hard to come up with something different, partly because I put myself under the pressure to write everyday, if possible. Meanwhile the blog itself is starting to stagnate.

Maybe this changing of the blog site stemmed from my subconscious urge to go back to how it was in the beginning, like writing on a blank page (only hypothetically) with no idea how to start and how it's going to pan out.

By the way my husband's name is Ian, sounds sweet to my ears.
Perhaps I should stop addressing him as 'my husband' as it feels sort of different from what he really is.

Also from now on, I'm going to write only when I feel like and what I really want to write.
It still might turn out something mundane, but let's see how it goes.

I hope it won't put off people who read my blog.
I hope I will see you here, on your blog or somewhere in this cyberspace.

What's the better way to plan and schedule?

2010-11-24T00:14:00.003+11:00

Scheduling. That's one thing I can definitely say I'm not good at. At rare occasions where I do make a schedule, I'm too obliged to complete it and lose the much needed flexibility.
Any small distraction can cause me big frustration.

日程を決めること。これはまずワタシが苦手だとはっきり言える。本当にたまに一日の事を計画すると、それに縛られちゃって必要なゆとりがなくなっちゃう。
小さな邪魔ごとが大きな不満になりかねない。

Today's tasks included going to the bank, do some paperwork and so on.
I wasn't feeling too good today, and my head was throbbing but there were things need to be done. However, not everything can be done by myself, sometimes there are more than one party involved in the task and put me on hold until they are ready.

今日やる事の中には銀行に行く事や、書類を書くこととか含まれてたの。
あんまり気分がよくなくって、頭もがんがんしてたけどそれでもやらなきゃいけない事があったのね。でも自分だけで出来る事ばかりじゃなくて、時には関係者が他にいる場合ってあるじゃない。それでその相手が終わるまで待たなきゃいけない事とか。

"You can't just wait, you really have to hassle them to get things done on time." That's what people around me used to say.

「事を済ませるには待ってるだけじゃだめだよ。相手にプレッシャーかけないと。」ってよく周りに言われたっけ。

Only problem in it is, that I often forget to hassle them especially when I'm wrapped up in my own things.

Recently I started making something like a priority list, although one of which is most likely get dragged on by the other party and it could take like forever before it's finally done.

Probably it's not a bad idea to buy a scheduler.

唯一の問題はね、ワタシ自身が自分の事で手一杯になっちゃって相手への連絡を忘れちゃうって事。最近、優先リストっていうのかな、作り始めたのね。大概その一つは他の関係者のせいで延び延びになっちゃって永久に終わんないんじゃないかって程時間かかるんだけど。
スケジュール帳買うのも悪くないかもね。

What I should make is a schedule with a 'contingency' plan, well I mean like an alternative plan, so as to stay calm whatever happens..

ワタシに必要なのは、「緊急」プランってか、変更プラン付きのスケジュール。そうすれば何かあっても慌てないでしょ。

On the day like today it's hard for me to stay focused and sharp, but in this way at least I should be able to minimize my frustration and confusion.

今日みたいな日は頭を集中してはっきりさせている事は難しいんだけど、それでもこうすれば不満とか頭の混乱を最小限に抑えられるはず。

Talking of which, I need to make a call first thing in the morning to give someone a reminder.

そういえば、明日の朝一で再確認の電話一本いれなきゃ。

Good Luck.

2010-11-22T21:00:00.001+11:00

The temperature reached the top of 32 degree today.
Fortunately the street I live is rather cool compared to other part of the suburb. I had all the wind shutters down, so it was cool enough inside, but still I felt the touch of heat coming through the back door.

今日の気温は32度まで上がった。
運良く、ワタシの住んでる通りはこの町の他の場所と比べて涼しい。窓のシャッターを全部降ろしてたから家の中は充分涼しかったけど、それでも裏戸から熱が少し入ってくるのを感じた。

By the way, what a hectic arvo (afternoon) it was!

それにしてもホントに忙しい午後だった。

Just before 12 o'clock I started making the pastry for a quiche.
It was my first time actually making a quiche with pastry.
When it comes to quiche, past few attempts all ended in failure, partly because it didn't have the base, and partly, I assume, because I didn't stir-fry onion before mixing with the rest of the ingredients.
Sure enough, the pseudo quiche I'd made many times before were all soggy and didn't even taste like the real one.

12時ちょっと前にキッシュ用の生地を作り始めた。
生地を使ってキッシュを作るのは実は初めて。
キッシュに関しては今まで全て失敗に終わってた。多分生地が無かったからって云う事と、ワタシが思うに玉ねぎを他の材料と混ぜる前に炒めてなかったからだろう。
当然のこと、過去に何べんも作ったワタシのなんちゃってキッシュは全部びしょびしょだったし本物のキッシュの味さえしなかったワケ。

Preparation took a lot longer than I first intended, because it was distracted by calls and other important 'duties' that suddenly came up this afternoon.
So the half knead dough sat on the kitchen benchtop for hours before I finally put it into the fridge.
By that time it was already past 5 o'clock....OMG!

準備には計画してた以上の時間がかかった。っていうのも、電話や急用に遮られちゃったから。
ってことで、こねかけの生地は台所の台に置かれたまま。やっと何時間も後に冷蔵庫へ。
その時にはもう五時を過ぎていた（しまった！）

Instruction said that the dough should be left in the fridge for 30 minutes.
It's a long time for someone who normally spend around 20 minutes to cook tea. Preparing the filling was not hard, as it was just the same thing I'd been doing in my previous attempts, however, cooling the pastry after pre-baking took just as much time as what the dough stayed in the fridge.

解説には生地は冷蔵庫に半時間置く事って書いてあった。
普段夕食を作るのに20分前後しか掛けないワタシには長い時間。中味を準備するのは今までと同じだったから大したことはなかったけど、１度焼きした生地を冷ますのには生地を冷蔵庫で寝かせるのと同じくらいの時間がかかった。

The fun bit finally started about 40 minutes. I poured the fillings into the pastry, pre-heat the oven, set the temperature exactly as the cookbook said.

楽しみは40分前くらいに始まった。中味を生地に入れて、オーブンあっためて、温度もしっかり料理本の通りに合わせた。

I switched off the oven just about 5 minutes ago, so it's about time that the quiche is ready.

５分くらい前にオーブンを止めたから、もうそろそろキッシュが出来た頃だな。

Hopefully this time it will look and taste like a quiche. Wish me luck.

今度こそ見た目も味もキッシュだといいな。幸運祈っててね。

Almost Done.

2010-11-20T18:41:00.001+11:00

It's sunny out there but not hot at all.
A little tired after trimming some overgrown shrubs.
Rosemary and Lavender are seen everywhere in the neighbourhood that nobody would want the "herbs up for grabs". There was no other option but to save only a handful of each and chucked the rest in the bin.

今日は晴れ。でも暑くはない。
伸び放題だった植え込みを選定した後、やや疲れ気味。
ローズマリーとラベンダーは近所のどこでも見当たるから、”ハーブタダで差し上げます”なんて言っても欲しい人はいないだろうから一掴みほどずつ残して、後はごみとして処理するしかなかった。

I also trimmed the other kind of herb, which name I recently found out - wormwood, it is. Anyway it was supposed to be the pest repellent herb, so I was planning to recycle it to make some sachets and put them in the drawers and the wardrobes - but what a hell, I couldn't believe when I saw heaps and heaps of white flies and mozzies behind the branches. I had to ditch the plan straight away.

最近名前を知った他の種類のハーブも選定した。ニガヨモギっていう名前。
それなんだけど、虫除け効果があるはずだったのね。それで後で再利用して小袋に入れて引出しとか押入れに入れようと計画してたわけ。でも何なの、信じられない。植え込みの枝の後ろに羽虫や蚊がわんさかといるではないか。計画はすぐおじゃんにするしかなかった。

The last thing I was meant to do was to clear those creepers on the left side of the house by the partition fence. It's a narrow area and they are spreading behind cactus plants and shrubs which makes the job harder. The roots are strong, and the stems are hard to cut with hands, plus the idea of having to crawl around the area where the flies are going all berserk, seemed crazy. Well, what I had done was enough for today.

最後に本当は家の左側の柵の脇に生えてるつる植物を取り除かなきゃなんないはずだったのね。狭いとこで、サボテンとか低木の裏にはびこってしまっているから仕事は大変。根は強いし、茎は手で切るのは難しいし、それに羽虫の集団ががぶんぶん飛び交っている中を這い回るのはバカな考えに思えた。ま、今日の仕事はこれで充分かな。

The relief is that everything else has been finished.
It's cooling down, nice and breezy. I'm going for a walk soon.

これでそれ以外の仕事は完了したからほっとした。
涼しくなってきた。そよ風が吹いてて気持ちよさそう。
ちょっと散歩に行ってくるね。

18-Nov

2010-11-18T23:31:00.001+11:00

I’ve been literally flat out this week. Well it’s quite depressing to say, that I achieved nothing for it. I haven’t heard anything from the HR manager at the shop which I applied for the shop assistant position recently.

I reckon that the timing was still premature. Someday something might come along, but obviously not yet so I’d have to be patient.

In the mean time, I’m gradually getting better at my new position (day supervisor) at the op-shop.

I guess I was sort of used to stuff like training volunteers and keeping the shop running smoothly as I’ve had to do that for a long enough time before being given this opportunity.

今週は本当に忙しい日が続いている。それで何か達成したかって言えば何にも達成してないって言うのは気が滅入る。最近店員としての仕事に応募したお店の雇用担当者からはまったく音沙汰なし。

まだ、タイミングが早かったのかも。いつか何かしら出てくるかも知れないけど、明らかにその時はまだ来てないんだね。辛抱辛抱。

その間に、オプショップでの新しい仕事にはだんだん慣れ始めた。

多分ボランティアの教育とかお店の管理とかは、この仕事を与えられる前にも必要に迫られてかなりの間やっていたから結構抵抗感が無いのかも。

I feel kind of pressured to achieve something, asap, perhaps because now that everyone around me seems to be getting somewhere, one way or another.

Sometimes I feel as if I’m using my condition as kind of an excuse to be slack, in a way, which drives me to work harder, a lot harder than I should…and now what? I feel sick. (it’s also because it’s the time of the month I feel lethargic.)

何だか早く何かに到達しなきゃって思っちゃうんだよね、多分今周りがみんな何かしら上手くいき始めてるからだと思う。

時々、ある意味で自分の病気を怠けるための言い訳にしてるように感じちゃって、それでいつもより頑張っちゃう。ずっと頑張っちゃう。で結果は？　

また気分悪い。（今、月の間でだるく感じる時期だだってのもあるけど）

Here’s the thing. I really shouldn’t feel pressured by other people's achievement. Fair enough it’s ok to be inspired, but I always should take my health into account.

ホントはね、他の人の頑張りにプレッシャーを感じる事はないんだよね。いい刺激を受けるのはいいんだけど、自分の健康のことはいつも念頭に置いてないとダメ。

It’s just that I want to believe I can do what other people can. Yes I can, but only to a certain extent. If I’ve said I care less about what some people may think of me, it’d be a lie, but I also have to face the reality, which means that there are times I have to backpedal, but not in a negative sense.

To be honest, this whole medical condition thing makes my teeth grit sometimes. I won’t deny it. It just makes me a human.

たださ、普通の人のやれる事なら自分だって出来るって信じたいだけなんだよ。もちろん可能なんだけど、それはある程度までの話。もし他の人がワタシの事をどう思うかなんて気にもしないよなんていったらウソになる。でも現実には向き合わないと。それは悪い意味じゃなくて、トーンダウンする事も時には必要だってこと。

本当はこの病気の事で、歯軋りしたくなる事ある。それを別に否定しない。だってそれは（そういう風に感じるのは）ワタシが人間だからだもん。

But hey, look at the bright side. There are those who are counting on me. (My pathetic little job – god, I should really stop feeling like I were the biggest loser.) It's not the end of the world, indeed, far from it.

でも、よく考えれば、ワタシを頼ってくれてるひともいるわけだし。（大したことないくだらない仕事－ほんっと、ワタシ自分を最低の負け犬のように感じるの止めなきゃ。）この世の終わりなんかじゃ全然ないしね。

My time will come only if I change the way I look at my situation.

ワタシの運はワタシが自分の状況に対する見方を変えなきゃいつまでも巡って来ない。

Tender thoughts.

2010-11-17T21:38:00.001+11:00

My husband is playing classical guitar in the next room. I still hear some mistakes, but his performance is definitely getting better. I can see him playing it perfectly with all the feelings not far away in the future. I admire the way that once he sets his mind to something he never gives up until he achieves his goal. No matter how busy he maybe, he always finds some time and gets back to playing guitar.

His passion is all about guitar and car (and toy cars), apart from that, for example, he'd say he will get around to whatever that is and never does it. He forgets (conveniently)!

He's that sort of guy who looks after and sticks to what's important to him. Other things don't matter that much to him. So if I ask him to do something, I won't hold my breath waiting for him to finish it.

He's that sort of guy who knows what he wants and doesn't want.

That's why I believe that he will stick to me and look after me in his sweet ways.
Sometimes I pinch myself and make sure that this is not just a sweet dream.
I have my own weakness and faults, but I know I will ..., too.

Thank you.

What do you think of the new look?

2010-11-15T15:03:00.001+11:00

The 2nd day since I shifted this blog from my old blogsite.I love the look in general...but is this just me or do you feel it looks a bit clumsy with 2 languages together in one entry?

Would it make any difference if I use different colour and the font size for the translated bit?
Like,

ブログを以前のサイトから引っ越して二日目。
見た目の概観は気に入った。んだけど。。。２ヶ国語が一つの記事に一緒に入ってるのが何かビミョーって感じるのはワタシだけ？

例えばこんな風に日本語の部分の色を変えたらどう？ちょっとは違う？

I would love to hear your feedback on the design in order to improve this blog.

このブログをもっと良くする為に、デザインに対するアイデアとか聞けたら嬉しいな。♪

It's not easy to transfer a blog. (ブログ移動するのって難しい。)

2010-11-14T22:01:00.001+11:00

I spent the whole last night transferring my old blog entries from my FC2 blog.

Since Blogspot only import .xml files and FC2 blog backup service only supports .txt format, I thought I'd have to find some way to convert the txt file to.xml file format.

昨日徹夜してFC2からブログを移動した。
Blogspotは.txlファイルしかインポートしないし、FC2ブログのバックアップサービスは.txtフォーマットしかサポートしないの。だから何とかtxtファイルから.xmlファイルに変換する方法を見つけなきゃとおもって。。。

I tried a few free .txt to .xml converters, but somehow couldn't figure out how they work. So I mucked around a bit more with the .txt file. Then I opened the "New Post" page on the Blogspot and saw the button that says "Edit HTML".

試しに無料のtxtファイル→xmlファイル変換用ソフトをいくつか使ってみたけど、使用方法が今ひとつわからなかった。それで、txtファイルをしばらくいじってたの。で、Blogspotで「新しい記事を書く」ってなページを開いたら、「HTML編集」って書いてあるボタンを見つけたのね。

Eureka! 'The .txt file contents was full of HTML language, so if I cut and paste it on the "Edit HTML" field, it might converts into an article'. I thought.

Sure enough, when I clicked the "Compose" button locates next to it, I could see what a blog entry should look like.

もしや！「.txtファイルはHTML記号でいっぱいだった。だからもし「HTML編集」のところにコピペしたら記事に変換するんじゃないか？」って思ったの。
思ったとおりだった。「HTML編集」の隣にある「文書作成」のボタンをクリックしたら、ブログ記事みたいな表示になったんだ。

It was time and energy consuming work. First of all, I had to copy the text to Microsoft Word, and then had to cut and paste each entry onto "New Post" page.

すごく時間もエネルギーも費やす作業だった。始めにワードにテキストをコピーして、それからひとつひとつ記事を「新しい記事を書く」っていうページにペーストしていかなきゃなんなかった。

There could've been an easier, quicker way to the same result but, "Hoolay! I finally managed to transfer all the entries to Blogspot."

他に簡単で時間のかからない方法があったかも知れないけど。「やったぁ！とうとうBlogspotに記事を全部移せたぞ。」

Indeed I tried to switch from my fc2 blog before, like 6 months ago, but didn't know how to import the articles.

実は６ヶ月前くらいにもFC２ブログから移動を試みたのね。でも移動の仕方がわかんなかった。

After long hours of draining job, I sure felt the sense of achievement.

長時間のすごく疲れる仕事の後、達成感を感じたことは間違いない。

Unpredictable weather still continues...07-May

2010-11-14T03:20:00.001+11:00

(Accompanied by the melody of Don Mclean's 'Vincent')

Starry starry night,
Washing clothes in my tiny laundry
Finally get all my washing done
Predicting them all dry out by the next day...

The morning comes and I'd be awaken
By the sound of pouring rain
Finding the clothes getting soaking wet
and the streaming tears would leave my face wet

Now I understand, that I should've waited till morning,
before I regret putting the clothes out
Now it is too late
and I finish taking them in the house in tears
and the sun comes shining again.

...I really hope it wouldn't start raining again till the clothes are completely dry.

It had been quite a marathon for the past few days.
For me as a person who's rather a late night owl, it was a huge challenge to get up before 7 o'clock three days in a row.
I had been too buggered that I didn't even switch on the computer once.
Whoa.
If this was the taste of what a full-time worker is to be expected, I'm not quite sure if I'm ready. Probably I'd never be ready.

I suffer from epilepsy. (I mentioned this before but I'm surprised that it sounds so matter-of-factly)
Actually I haven't had an episode for 2 years, apparently by not working hard.

Plus I started taking vitamin b6 suppliment twice daily and drinking blackcurrent juice.
No shit, this seems to work. (I've also been taking iron tablet.)
I feel more energy, it only takes me a minute from going to bed and falling asleep.
It's amazing.
For a brief moment I thought, perhaps if it keeps working for me, I'd be one day able to work full time. But probably not.
I worked full time twice in Australia and the workload proved to be too much for me.

Still, I'd be able to work part time.
I really want to do something to make money, so that I don't have to feel guilty by letting my husband run himself into the ground...

I've been a volunteer shop assistant for 6 months, and I'm getting increasingly confident with my work performance.

But you know, if...only hypothetically... I could get a part time position somewhere...I'd still get a little paranoid by the idea of potentially having an episode somewhere along the line. It might never happen, but it's not guarranteed.

I think the best thing I could do is to be aware of that risk, and choose a job carefully, if one is available. I can only work part time, and I would still have to maintain a healthy diet and lifestyle.

By the way, I went to an event organised by Australian Mightyboy Owners Network on Sunday and cruised around melbourne's northern, eastern suburbs and to the outskirts.

Here's the collection of photos.

*(Oops, wrong photo's mixed into the collection.)

A Special Day at Hanging Rock

2010-11-14T02:21:00.001+11:00

After 2 days of fun with my sister-in-law and nephews, we saw them off at the Melbourne's Tullamarine Airport yesterday.

If we were living in the same state it wouldn't be so bad, but they live in Sydney and it's not so cheap to travel interstate many times a year.
Knowing that, it was sad to see them leave.

My two nephews were a lot bigger than how I remembered them from 2 years ago.
2 years was a long time. During the meantime, he entered into his early adolescence - his voice has changed, pimples have appeared and the fine mousetache has started to show.

Sometimes I'd talk to him over the phone and he'd sound rather indifferent, which made me wonder if he's changed.

However, when I saw them at the Airport, I could tell almost straight away that they were rapt to see us again.

They brought their favourite Teddies and their mother brought her old Teddies for the big reunion with all our old Teddies. (YES, we are the geeks!)
The day was also my husband's birthday so we had a little party with home-cooked meal and a small bunch of flowers from the garden.

Yesterday was our biggest event - going to Hanging Rock together for the first time!
My sister-in-law was a teenager when the movie "Picnic at Hanging Rock" came out in 1975.
The movie was a box office hit in both Europe and

Australia

, and for her and my husband, especially living in Tasmania, was a huge deal going to watch that movie.

Organ Pipes

My husband I had already been there quite a number of times, but for them, it was 'WOW' experience.
Walking up itself was quite an exercise, but to take an adventure among the rocks was full-on.

As the name indicates, there are countless number of rocks around.
Those rocks invite you in, tempt you to explore further until you end up getting lost without your knowing...

It definitely evokes the intrigue and mysterious feel that were portrayed so well in the film, as my husband says -
Actually I saw the pictrail of the film which I downloaded from the following website Picnic at Hanging Rock

Our two excited nephews wandered into the rocks and tried to go further and further while we were trying to keep our eyes on them.
Although most rocks have plenty enough handholds, some were fairly slippery - but you'd want to take the challenge...I know.
Because I was like them once, and I hurt myself more than enough due to my curiosity and adventure-mindedness.

My sister-in-law was worried, yet so excited.
'Don't go any further!' she sort of yelled at kids but she kept going herself. :)
When we finally reached to the top, the view was mind-blowing.

Please check these out.

View from the Top

This is how it looks when you look down from the edge of a rock...

Glimpse of Mt. Macedon over the rocks and the plateau

Hanging Rock was a special experience we shared, which I will remember and cherish for the rest of my life.

Talking about my health condition. (病気のハナシ。)

2010-11-14T00:20:00.001+11:00

One of my fellow volunteers who suffer from MS (Multiple Sclerosis) had a little fall at work yesterday as she was about to leave.

昨日、ボランティアの一人でMS（多発性硬化症）という持病を持っている女性が帰る直前に仕事場でちょっとひっくり返っちゃたの。

I don’t remember how we got to talk about our health problem, but we did anyway. Then another volunteer overheard us and I had to explain her about my seizure and how to deal with it when it happens.

どうやって病気の話になったのか覚えてないけどまぁ、そういう話になったのね。そしたらもう一人のボランティアが側で私たちの話を耳にしたもんで、自分の発作の事や、発作が起きた時の対応とか説明しなきゃなんなかったのね。

I said, “The last I had a seizure was 2 and a half years ago, but it’s only because I’ve been super careful. I don’t go out when I have the symptoms such as twitching around my mouth and eyes, migraine, or body jerk.”

「前回の発作は２年半前だけど、それはすごく注意してるからなのね。ワタシは口や目の回りがぴくぴくする時や、偏頭痛がする時、身体がびくっとする時は外に出ないの。」って言ったの。

Nowadays I can talk about this condition openly as if it’s nothing but a condition, and it really is a mere health condition.
Anyway it took me a long time to open up about my ‘secret’. It used to take a lot of courage and effort to speak up. But once I came out of the closet, it gave me a relief as I had nothing more to hide or be embarrassed about.

今はこれは単なる病気で何でもないかのように話せる、それに実際これって単なる病気でしかないし。
兎に角、この「秘密」を堂々と話せる様になるまでには時間がかかった。昔は話すのにすごい勇気と精神力が要った。でも一度カミングアウトしたら、すごく楽になったの。だって、もう隠すことも恥ずかしいこともないから。

It’s no denying that there are certain disadvantages that I face in the society. In fact, as I was talking to the woman with MS, she advised me not to mention about my epilepsy at circumstances such as a job interview, which clearly shows that this condition can be a major issue at job applications.
No wonder why many epileptics feel that they are discriminated.

社会の中で壁にぶち当たる事（この病気が不利になる事）がある事は否めない。実際、この多発性硬化症の女性と話しているときも、てんかんである事を仕事の面接とかでは言っちゃダメよってアドバイスされた。って事は就職活動でこの病気が大きなネックになりかねないって事だから。
てんかん患者が差別されていると感じるのも無理はないよね。

There are organisations and support groups for epileptics. The problem is that many of these are almost exclusively for epileptic patients and/or their families. Their activities involve fundraising, emotional support, and improving our own understanding of the condition and such. But I think what’s more important for us epileptics is to gain confidence in ourselves, become proud of ourselves as individuals, and to free ourselves from any burden caused by so-called ‘the dark secret’.

てんかん協会とかサポートグループとかいろいろある。問題はその多くがほぼ完全にてんかん患者とその家族の為の機関だって事。活動内容には募金活動、精神的なサポート、患者や家族自身のてんかんへの理解を高める事などが含まれるのね。でも、ワタシはそれよりももっと大事なのはワタシ達てんかん患者が自分に自信を持つこと、個人としての自分にプライドを持つこと、そして、いわゆる「暗い秘密」から来る精神的ストレスから自分を解放する事だと思うの。

I sometimes find it sad that there’re no feedbacks from non-epileptic people when it comes to this condition, as if it were a big no-no. It would be helpful to know what non-epileptics think and feel about this condition. It doesn’t matter if people get scared by watching someone having a grandmal, and feel sorry for the person or simply find it disgusting. It’s normal as that’s what I might have felt if I weren’t an epileptic myself. Believe you me, if you see me having one of those major seizures you’ll freak out because the impact is overwhelming. But reading this, I hope, makes you realise I’m still a person with fairly strong personality.

時々、てんかんの話になると、てんかん患者以外の人からの反応がなくなる事を寂しく感じる。まるでてんかんの話がすごいタブーかなんかみたいに。
本当はてんかんでない人がこの病気にどんな認識を持っているか知れたらいいのにと思う。大発作を目のあたりにして怖いと思う、可哀想と思うとか、或いは気持ち悪いと思うとかそんなの構わないの。だってそれが普通だし、ワタシだって自分がてんかんじゃなかったら、そう思うかも知れないし。
言っとくけど、ワタシが大発作を起こすのを実際に見たら、間違いなく引くよ。ショックが大きすぎるから。でもワタシの書いているのを読んでたら、ワタシがそれなりに強い個性を持った人間だってわかる筈だし、わかって欲しいな。

I grew up spending a long time with this aunt who developed the clonic rheumatism at the age of 17. She has artificial joints all over her body, and gone through many operations in her life.
But she has always been positive and cheerful, and surrounded by many friends who are inspired by her. So you can imagine how big an inspiration she was to me.

子供の時から17歳の時に慢性関節リウマチを発病したおばちゃんと長い間過ごしてきた。おばちゃんは全身の関節が人工関節で何回も手術を経験してきたの。
でも、いつも前向きで明るくて、そんな彼女に惚れ込んだ友人にいつも囲まれてた。だから、彼女にワタシがどんなに影響されたか想像つくと思う。

Shit happens. Unfortunately I was chosen to be an epileptic. Let’s call it my fate. It sucks sometimes. I feel like shit when I have an episode. But I still believe that a human being is capable of coming to terms with and overcome whatever happens in one’s life, no matter how hard it may be, if s/he chooses to.

いやな事って絶対にある。ワタシは運悪くてんかんって病気になる事を「運命」づけられちゃった。時々くさるし、発作を起こせばクソみたいな気分になる。でも、ワタシはやっぱり人間ってのはどんな事があっても受け止める、乗り越える力があるって信じてる。そうしようって思えばね。

Slightly negative - 微妙にネガティブ。

2010-11-14T00:19:00.003+11:00

Today was, well, a busy but non-eventful day.
The light rain was forecasted but we only had a little drizzle in the evening.

今日は忙しかったけど、話すネタになるような事もない一日だった。
小雨が降るっていう予報だったけど、結局霧雨が夕方降っただけ。

I haven't been reading any new book for ages. Although the the same old books I got is still fun to read.

新しい本なんて何年も読んでないなぁ。持ってる読み古しの本も面白いけどね。

After coming back from the shop I watched 2 episodes of 'Just shoot me (of which I've been a fan for years)' which my hubby videotaped for me (What a sweetie).
Season 4 is on now on GO! (one of the digital channels in Australia), but I have to say it's not as funny as the previous couple of seasons I was hooked onto (actually I quite liked the first season as well, wouldn't mind getting the complete DVD set somewhere along the line).
Talking of Season 4, it has way too much focus on "adult" theme and the sensuality of Nina Van Horn (an ex-super model and now working for the Blush magazine as a fashion editor.) that is getting too predictable. Not me cup of tea, I might give this season a pass. I also don't like the way each episode shows the glimpse of the last episode at the beginning, saying; 'previously on Just shoot me (or whatever)'.

ウチに帰ってきてからダーリンが録画してくれた（なんて優しいんだろ。）「ジャスト・シュート・ミー（何年もこのシットコムのファンやってる）」２回分を見た。
今シーズン４をGO（オーストラリアのデジタル局）でやってるんだけど、ワタシがモロにはまった前２シーズンに比べるとあんまし面白くない（シーズン１も結構好きだった。DVDセット買ってもいいなぁ）。
シーズン４の話に戻るけど、「オトナ」のテーマとかニーナ・ヴァン・ホーン（元スーパーモデルで現在はブラッシュ誌のファッションエディターという設定）のお色気ばかりに焦点が置いてあるのがどうもありきたりになってきちゃってるっていうか。あんましワタシの好みじゃないな。このシーズンはパスしようかな。それに、毎回始めに「前回のジャスト・シュート・ミーでは（とか）」言って前回放送分をちら見せするのも好きじゃないし。

Believe it or not, I'm not in that bad a mood, but today wasn't my day *sigh*.

信じないかも知れないけど、不機嫌なワケじゃないの。ただ、今日はついてない日だったんだ。＊ためいき＊

Well, my day will come eventually.

まぁ、そのウチに運も回ってくることでしょう。

Struggles with the new position - 四苦八苦。

2010-11-14T00:19:00.002+11:00

Oh, I’m so exhausted.

ふぅ。めっちゃ疲れたよ。

Well, I guess I’ve been doing okay with my job as a supervisor, except that I don’t have answers to many questions I’m asked over the phone.

結構自分では管理の仕事うまくやってると思うんだけど、電話で答えられない質問がかなりあるんだよね。

I’m pretty good with direct communication. Everything seems more straight-forward when you talk to people face-to-face. But on the phone, the questions are not limited to things that I’m familiar with, or even if I am, I still get confused by the way some people phrase questions.

ワタシね、直接のコミュニケーションは結構得意なつもりなの。面と面で話すと、全てがもっと単純に感じるんだ。でも電話だと、質問の種類が知っている範囲に留まらないし、もし知ってたとしても相手の言葉の使い方次第で結構混乱しちゃう。

It's probably because I don’t know the whole line of activities that our shop/organisation is involved with. Or simply my listening skill is not up to scratch.

多分、店と管理してる慈善団体の活動全体を知らないからだと思う。或いは単純にワタシのリスニングスキルが完全じゃないからかも。

So, that’s the thing. I don’t get the point of the questions straight away. Had I had the background knowledge about our welfare services outside the shop and how they work, everything would fall into place and then I can answer the questions.

だからさ、つまり質問のポイントがすぐにピンと来ない訳ね。もしショップ内以外の福祉活動やそのシステムとかの基礎知識があったら多分あぁそうだったんだって全て納得できるだろうし、質問にも答えられるんじゃないかって。

Oh well, it’s still the second week so hopefully I’ll get better at it. (Keep my fingers crossed.)

まぁ、二週間目だしもっと上手く出来るようになる事を祈ろう。。。（どうか上手く行きますように。）

Another junk I fell in love with.

2010-11-14T00:18:00.003+11:00

When was the last time I bought 'junk' home...? June?
So I hadn't been bringing any old junk home for over 4 months, which is a pretty good record.

えっと、前回ガラクタを家に持ち帰ったのはいつだったっけ。。。？　６月？
っていう事は、もう４ヶ月以上もガラクタ持ち帰ってないんだ。結構辛抱したんだなぁ。

What I got yesterday was the box of old game cards.

昨日ゲットしたのがこの古いトランプ。

Is this some sort of promotional stuff? It has the B.V.D.(male underwear brand) logo with the advertising line that says "NEXT TO MYSELF I LIKE B.V.D. BEST".

なんかのプロモーション商品だったんだろうか？　B.V.D.という男性用下着メーカーの商標と宣伝文句「自分の次にB.V.D.が一番好きだ」と書いてある。

The box itself is in the questionable condition with sticky tape to patch up the hole on the surface (can't been seen in the photo). Hm, Made in Australia, hey!

箱自体はどうかなぁという状態で、表面に開いた穴を隠すためにテープが貼ってある。(写真では見えないけどね)
あ、オーストラリア製？　へぇー！

I have no idea how old this might be, but I love the distinct smell of the old paper.

どのくらい古いかは見当もつかないけど、古い紙特有の匂いは好きだな。

I find the joker cute.
Well now, I'll have to fight back the temptation for another 4 months, I guess?

ジョーカーが可愛いと思う。
ま、あと４ヶ月、誘惑と戦わないといけないって事だね。多分。

Working on my garden again. (今日も庭仕事。)

2010-11-14T00:18:00.002+11:00

I went to the preston market after a long while. The market is always crowded on Saturdays because they mark down virtually everything from vegies to meat to flowers.

久しぶりにプレストンマーケットに行ってきた。このマーケットは土曜日にはいつも野菜とか肉とか花、全部って言っていいくらい値段を下げるから込むんだよね。

First I bought some seedlings of basil, strawberry and chilli at the green grocery near the entrance. I should've leave it to last, it was a pain in the butt having to wiggle through the overwhelming crowd carrying the bag with fragile seedlings in it.
Fortunately, they were still going strong by the time I got on the bus, which was pretty impressive considering the harsh heat this afternoon and getting knocked by people at the market.

まず、入り口近くの八百屋でバジルといちご、とうがらしの苗を買ったの。最後に行けばよかった。繊細な苗の入った袋を片手にすごい人ごみの間をくねくね動いていくのは半端じゃなく大変だった。
幸い、バスにのった時も苗がまだ丈夫だった。今日の午後の暑さとマーケットで人ごみに押された事を考えたらすごいよね。

Once I got home I decided to finally pull out weeds by the fence and around the garage. The ground was still damp from all the rain we've had over the last couple of weeks. Since I had been procrastinating it for weeks, the weeds were out of control and were already as tall as my waist.

家についてまずフェンスの周りとガレージの周りの雑草抜きをやっと決行する事にした。
ここ２週間の雨のため、地面はまだぬるぬるしていた。
雑草抜きはもう何週間も伸ばし伸ばしにしてたから、もうぼうぼうで高さもワタシの腰くらいまで伸びていたの。

Just two weeks ago we mowed the lawn in the front and back yard and filled 3 large bags with grass, and this afternoon I got another 3 massive bagfuls of weeds and grass...and still haven't finished yet.
Well, I can't weed the whole garden all at once, so I'll finish one spot at a time.

たった２週間前、表と裏庭の草刈りして大きな袋３つ一杯にしたけど、今日の午後は、更に巨大な袋３つ分の雑草と草を抜いた。しかもまだ仕事は終わってない。。。
まぁ、一度に庭全体の雑草を抜くのは無理だから、一回に一箇所終わらせる事にしよう。

After this massive job, I transplanted the seedlings. This time I decided to plant them in the compost directly. There's a small concern with regards to the insects problem, since the compost is said to attract flies and stuff. However, flies are seen anywhere in my garden and it wasn't like heaps of flies were around the compost. Plus I often see other vegies and fruits popping out of the compost bed (obviously coming from the kitchen waste like vegetable peels and half rotten fruits), perhaps because the nourished soil is ideal for the hardy performance of the plants.
Anyway, let's see how they go.

大仕事のあと、苗を地面に植え替えた。今回は腐葉土に直接植えることにしたのね。腐葉土はハエとか羽虫みたいなのを寄せ付けるっていうから、害虫の心配は全く無いわけでもないんだけど、ハエとか羽虫は庭のどこでも見かけるし、特に腐葉土の周りに沢山いるわけでもない。それに、野菜とか果物の芽が腐葉土から出てるのをよく見るし。（野菜の皮とか、腐りかけの果物とかの台所ごみから育ったんだね。）多分、栄養度の高い土が植物の丈夫な成長に適してるからだろうね。
まぁどうなるか気長に待とうと思う。

The mint that my co-volunteer gave me is going strong. Silverbeet and spinach are also in great condition. I'd have to find some recipes using silverbeet though.

仲間のボランティアがくれたミントは丈夫に育っている。シルバービート（ほうれん草に似てる）とほうれん草もいい調子。シルバービートを使った料理のレシピさがさなきゃだけど。

Tomorrow's gonna be a busy day, too.
Time to hit the sack.

明日も忙しくなる。
もう寝る時間。

I have to cut back the lavender bush. (ラベンダー切らなきゃなんないの。)

2010-11-14T00:17:00.003+11:00

There are a few different kinds of lavenders growing around my house. The fragrance is subtly different from one kind to the other and each one is lovely in its own way.

ウチの周りには何種類かのラベンダーがあるの。香りが少しずつ違って、どれもそれぞれの美しさがあるのね。

The one I have to cut back...:..(

The Cute Baby Lavenders

Thanks to this year's consistent rainfalls all the plants in the garden are thriving, and lavenders are no exception either. Unfortunately some of them are getting in the way of cars because of the very reason. Our driveway isn't wide enough for them to grow freely, so now I have to cut them right back. *sob*

今年の安定した降水量のお陰で庭の植物はみんなのびのび成長。ラベンダーも例外じゃない。
残念な事だけど、その為に一部のラベンダーが車の通り道の邪魔になっている。ウチの車道はラベンダーが自由に育つには狭すぎるので、思い切り短く刈らなきゃいけないの。。。（涙）

Well I could put it off as long as the rain persists.
Meanwhile I am thinking of the good use out of the cut lavenders.

まあ、雨がやむまで伸ばしに伸ばせるよね。
その間に刈り取ったラベンダーのいい使用方法を考えてるところ。

Touch Wood.

2010-11-14T00:17:00.002+11:00

According to my horoscope and other fortune telling, my lucky age is 40, which is next year! For the time being all I can is to keep myself busy, improve myself and by doing so I will be better prepared for the luck next year!!!(hopefully.)
Strange, this time the fortune telling thing has given me something to look forward to for my 40th birthday...hey it's not so bad to get older then?

As for the reason that I skipped a couple of days' entry, it was simply because I had nothing to write about. All this week for some reason has been busy, despite the fact that I don't have a job. Making calls, organising bits and pieces, domestic stuff, budgeting and so forth.
Well, if I were to get a paid job somewhere along the line, I'd have to get used to being busy. Although I don't know if 'getting a paid position' will ever happen again. Like most Japanese companies, many Australian companies in retail sector prefer young workers, from what I've heard.

It was my first day as a coordinator/supervisor today. Some people didn't know the change, and I didn't bother letting them know.
The day passed just as usual, only changes were having to answer the calls and say the right thing and being allowed to make more decisions. To be honest, there were couple of moments where I thought I could have handled with certain things better, but as a first day, I think I did ok.

I'm pleasantly surprised at myself that I've become a lot tougher than the same time last year that I hardly get jumpy anymore. I would have a seizure or two if I panic.
To prevent this from happening, I'd have to make sure a few things; for one, take plenty of rest at night (definitely); two, don't let stress or fear get in my way; three, don't let people get to me.

Till next time.

2010-11-14T00:16:00.009+11:00

A week after coming back to Melbourne, I'm finally getting around to organise the photos and videos. There aren't many photos actually taken in Tasmania. All there are are these few photos from Hawley Beach (Shearwater).

メルボルンに帰ってきて一週間。やっと写真やビデオを整理する事にした。実際にタスマニアで撮った写真は余りない。ホーリービーチ（シーウォーター）で撮った数枚の写真があるだけだ。

Just a minute's drive from the beach was the house Mamam lived, which is now occupied by someone else. The fact that the Bed and Breakfast place we stayed was so close to her old house was a pure coincidence.
But walking along the beach with my hubby in the morning after the emotional first day with Mamam evoked this nostalgic feeling in my mind.
My hubby told me he used to go there frequently back when Mamam was still living around the corner from the beach.

その海岸から車で一分の所に、昔ママンが住んでいた家がある。今では他人が住んでいるけどね。
２泊した朝食つき宿泊所がママンの昔の家とすぐそばだったのは単なる偶然だった。
でも、ちょっと辛い一日の翌朝にダンナ様と浜辺を歩いていたら、何となく懐かしい様な気持ちになった。彼も昔ママンがこの直ぐそばに住んでいた頃はよく浜辺に散歩に来たんだって。

Hawley Beach was a hidden gem. Despite the fact that even this quiet town is getting developed and more new houses have been built recently, the beach was incredibly tranquil - as if this beautiful place is left forgotten.
Apart from two of us I only saw 2 locals walked passed us, and I hope the place to stay peacefully forgotten forever like this...

ホーリービーチは「隠れた宝石」のような場所。
この町も最近はだんだん開発が進んで、新築の家も立ち始めたけれど、ビーチは信じられないほど静かで平和。何だかこの美しい場所だけが忘れ去られたように。
ワタシたち二人以外は地元の人２人見かけただけ。そして、ワタシはこの場所は永遠に平和に忘れ去られていて欲しいなどと思っている。。。

Below: Hawley Beach, Sheawater TAS, Australia

Compared to the previous visits to Tasmania this was a somewhat painful and emotional one, but in retrospect it was more special in a different way.

前のタスマニア訪問に比べたら今回は何となく辛くて感傷的なものだったけど、
今から思えば、違う意味で「大切」だった気がする。

The sea was rough on our way to Devonport, which made me sick for a little while.
It was the first time I experienced sea-sickness.
Usually it's like sleeping at one night in the rainy season in Japan.

行きの海はひどく荒れて少しの間気持ち悪くなった。
海酔いを体験したのは初めてだった。
普段は梅雨の季節のある夜に寝ているのと同じ感覚。

The ground is loose after the interminable rain. Suddenly I'd feel the little quiver of the floor which gradually increases. There is a tinge of anxiety that this mini-earthquakes might develop into the big one, but mostly don't.

地面は絶え間ない雨の後で緩んでいる。突然床が細かく揺れだしたかと思うと、少しずつ揺れが増してくる。
もしかして大きな地震に発展していくかも、っていう心配はちょっとだけあるんだけど、まぁ殆んどそんな事は起きない。

I used to describe these mini-earthquakes at night as 'just like being on a boat in the rough ocean.' This time it got a lot more rough than I expected.

昔、そんな小さな夜の地震を指して「荒海の時に船に揺られているような感覚」なんて言ってた。今回は思ったよりずっと荒れたけどね。

These are some photos taken before and after the departure.

出発前と後の写真

Below: Photos shot on the "Spirit of Tasmania" that sails between Melbourne and Devonport (TAS) Australia.

Till Next Time.

また会う日まで。

What should I do? - どうしよう。

2010-11-14T00:14:00.001+11:00

Yesterday I was held by boss before going home and asked if I could be the supervisor once a week. I said I'd think about it. It's not like I'm gonna get paid, it only means that I'll have more responsibility on my shoulder.
Since I was expecting to hear something else (Boss approached me in the ominous fashion. He went on like, 'can I have a word with you?') I was stupefied and forgot to be shocked.

昨日帰る前、ボスに止められて、週一スーパーバイザーやってみないかと聞かれたの。
お給料もらえるわけじゃなくて、責任が増えるっていうだけ。
別の事を言われると思ってたから（ボスが「ちょっと話がある。」なんて怖い顔してやってきたから）なんかぼーっとしちゃって、びっくりするのを忘れてしまった。

While I have this paranoia in my mind that some people may sneer at me because I'm an non-native, an Asian and have merely one year experience, I also know that I'd like to give it a shot. You see, this experience will make my resume look good when the time comes for me to apply for a paid job.

ノンネイティブでアジア人の、しかも一年しか経験のないワタシをバカにする人もいるかも、っていう不安がありながらも、やってみたいって気も正直あるのね。将来就職活動する時、履歴書に書いたらもっとアピール感があるでしょ？

I tell myself, 'Come on, it's just another volunteer position'. The problem is that the politics is still there.
Is the time right? Shouldn't I wait a bit longer? Or was the chance meant to come at this time?

「おーい、単なるボランティアの仕事じゃん。」って自分に言ってみるんだけど。スタッフ間の駆け引きみたいなのってやっぱりあるんだよね。
タイミングはどうなのかな。もう少し待ってみるべきなんじゃないか？
それともこの機会はちょうど今来るべく来たんだろうか？

Discrimination exists - no matter where you go. I had been thinking that I was toughened up from the past experiences, but now I'm not so sure now.

差別はどこに行ってもある。
以前の経験を通して自分は強くなったなんて思ってたけど、今はあんまり自信がないなぁ。

I'm so grateful for my boss/ other supervisors' faith in me, on the other hand, I'm scared to hell about the potential animosity from other people.
Maybe I'm worrying too much. Hey you'll never know. It may not all okay...they are good people and I may be able to handle it by not being too cocky or bossy.

ボスや他のスーパーバイザーがそんなにワタシを高く買ってくれてるなんて嬉しい反面、敵対心買うんじゃないかってめちゃめちゃ怖いんだよね。
心配しすぎなのかも。わかんないよ、もしかしたら大丈夫かもしんないじゃん。いい人達ばっかだし、自信過剰になったり、偉そうにしなきゃなんとかなるかも。

God, I'll have to answer tomorrow...

はぁ。明日返答しなきゃなんないなんて。

Degrees of hardship.

2010-11-14T00:13:00.003+11:00

I got up about mid-day after sleeping nearly a half day. I didn't realise that I was so tired. Suddenly the weather turned sunny and hot that made me feel extremely woozy (especially after cool days in Tasmania). Hope this weather trend won't last much longer.

今日はほぼ半日寝た後、昼ごろ起きた。
こんなに疲れてたとは気づかなかったな。急に天気が良くなって、暑くなったから、すごくだるい感じ。（特にタスマニアでの涼しい日々の後だからね。）こういう天気はあまり長く続いて欲しくないな。

I was feeling low yesterday, and feeling sluggish today. So tomorrow I need to finally do something uplifting. Eating healthy and do some exercise will help me I bet.
Apart from the fried eggplants and daikon raddish with sweet bean paste I ate this afternoon, all I've been eating is rice and noodle. No wonder why I'm feeling like this.

昨日はウツ気味だった。そして今日はバテ気味。
だから明日こそ明るい気持ちになれるような事をしよう。
健康的な食事と適度な運動でずいぶん効果があがるはず。
午後にナスと大根を甘味噌をからめて炒めたものを食べた以外は、ご飯と麺類しかたべてなかったワタシ。だるくなって当然だね。

It's amazing that my body reacts so quickly to such as weather condition and lack of nutrition. I had thought I could pass a few days by eating 2 minutes noodles till hubby comes back. That makes me think about not-so-lucky people living in developing countries. Just to imagine living without clean drinking water and food under the extreme heat (if they are in Africa for example) leaves me wonder how much harder it would be if I were living under the same condition. For me it's an option if I want to starve myself to lose weight.

こんなに早く体が気候とか栄養不足とかに反応するってすごいよね。
ダンナ様が帰ってくるまで数日はインスタント麺でなんとかやってけると思ってた。
で、そんなに恵まれてない発展途上国の人たちはどうなんだろうって。
綺麗なのみ水も、食料もない生活なんて想像するだけでも、ワタシならどうやってそんな環境で生きていけるんだろうって考えちゃう。だって、ワタシにとっては、そういうのって体重を減らすために食料カットしたい時のオプションでしかないもん。

Of course everyone has something emotionally hard to go through to varied degrees at every stages of life, but it's still nowhere near the combination of both emotional burdens and the harsh living condition.

もちろん、誰でも人生のあらゆる時期に程度は違っても苦しい体験とかするけれど、精神的な苦しみと大変な生活環境の両方、というのから比べたら大した事じゃないじゃないよね。

It's no denying that there are pains I suffer, but I'm lucky that I have only my epilepsy to worry about most of the time.

ワタシだって、痛み苦しみとか無いっていったらウソになるけど、殆んどの場合はてんかんの事だけ気をつけてればいいなんてラッキーだと思う。

Thinking about what our mothers mean to us (母への思い。)

2010-11-14T00:13:00.002+11:00

I'm going to be 40 in about 3 months, still, it's less than half the age mamam (everyone in her family affectionately call my mother-in-law by this nickname) is.　Like most people, I don't wanna go to a nursing home when the time comes that I need some means of help, which maybe because I'm never going to be a mum.

あと３ヶ月ほどで４０になるワタシ。それでもママン（家族はみんな義母の事をこの愛称で呼んでいる。）の半分以下だ。
殆んどの人と同様に、ワタシは補助が必要な歳になっても老人ホームには入りたくない。もしかしたら、母親になる事はないからそう思うのかもしれない。

If I were at her age and had had few kids who have pretty much settled in different parts of the country, what would I do?
My choice would most likely be living in a retirement village in the same state with one of the kids.

もし、ワタシがママンと同じ歳で、子供が自分とは離れた、別々の州に散らばっていたらどうするだろう？
多分、ワタシなら同じ州の退職者用住宅地で暮らす事を選ぶだろうな。

Mamam's choice was to go to the nursing home because she didn't want to be the burden of her children. The nursing home in the different state.
Of course I respect her decision, so does my hubby and sister-in-law.
But that means, we can't see each other often enough and when we eventually do see her, the pain of seeing her deteriorate is just too much.
Then we repeat the same questions in our mind again and again, 'would it have been the same if we could see her more often?' 'why didn't she move to Melbourne (or sydney) when she still could?'

ママンの選択は、子供の重荷になりたくないから、老人ホームに行く、という事だったの。それも、離れた州にある老人ホーム。もちろん彼女の選択はワタシも、ウチのダンナ様も、義姉も尊重してるのね。
でも、それは同時に満足に会えないって事なのね。そして、会った時に悪化しているのを見るのは耐えられない位辛いのね。
で、心の中で同じ質問を繰り返すの。「もしもっとしょっちゅう会えたとしても、同じだっただろうか？」、「なぜ、来れる内に（身体の動く内に）メルボルンに（或いは義姉の住むシドニーに）来なかったんだろう？」って。

All of us, including mamam, have feelings and are aware of each other's feelings. We are all frustrated. And yet we all know there's nothing we can do now. The main thing is that we love each other, and understand each other and accept the way we all are.

ワタシたちみんな感情があるし、お互いの思いはわかってる。みんな辛いんだよね。でも今となってはどうにもならないのもわかってる。大事なのは、みんながお互いを大切に思っているし、理解していること。そしてあるがままの相手を受け入れていること。

It's like reminding myself repeatedly that's the way it should be, and we cannot expect our loved one to change their mind.

そうであるべきなんだ、と言い聞かせるように。愛する相手の気を変えられるとか期待はできないんだって。

Today was my mum's birthday. When I rang her up, she took it and said 'It's 〇〇 speaking. Who am I talking to?' and I teasingly answered, 'It's 〇〇, too.'
She couldn't tell it was me. ('Hey, couldn't she recognise my voice?')
She was in the middle of putting Futons out in the sun. You know how heavy futons are? She's 76 and still doing heavy lifting all the time. She's strong-willed and tough, I mean, really tough. Even when I was growing up she always had her hands full and she got frustrated if there aren't enough on her plate.　：D
She often found me too lazy, which I am, nagged me and annoyed me.

今日はワタシの母の誕生日だった。電話したら、母が出て、「○○でございます。」と言ったから、冗談っぽく「こちらも〇〇でございます。」って言ったのね。
ワタシだって気づかなかった。（おい、声でわからんのか！）
母は布団を外に干してる最中だったの。布団ってすごい重いよね。母は７６になるけど、未だに重いものを持ちあげたり、いつものようにやってる。精神力は強いし、力強い、すごく力強い。
ワタシが子供の頃だって、いつも忙しくて、忙しくないとイライラしてた。（笑）
ワタシの事を怠けもんと思ってて、まぁそうなんだけどぐちぐち説教してワタシを苛つかせた。

Yeah I know I was an ungrateful daughter.
But you know one thing I realised today was that I now really appreciate that she's still so healthy and strong. And I had never realised how much it means to me.

うん、親不孝な娘って事は自分でもわかってる。
でもね、今日わかったのは、母が今でも丈夫で健康だって事が本当に嬉しい事だってこと。
それがどれだけワタシに重要かってこと。

I was depressed for the last few days but mum's voice really cheered me up.

ここ数日落ち込んでたけど、母の声聞いて、かなり元気になった。

Mum and mamam, even me are strong in different ways.
As long as mamam stays mentally strong, she'll bounce back and keep going, and we'll be able to see each other even though it's just these 7 days a year.

母とママン、ワタシでさえ違いはあれ、強さを持ってるの。
ママンが精神を強く持ってる限り、持ち直して生きていける。そして、一年に７日間だけであっても毎年会うことができる。

With mum, her strength lies in her total independence, her stubbornness which at times irritate me and which, are also the qualities of her I love.

ウチの母の強さってのは、完全な自立と彼女の強情さにある。それで時々ワタシはイラつくんだけど、同時になんか好きなんだよね。そういうところが。

A funny little moment.

2010-11-14T00:11:00.003+11:00

These few days have been windy, and the fallen leaves and twigs are blown everywhere.

This afternoon as I was getting ready to go shopping I saw my husband sweeping the driveway particularly in front of the garage.
"What's the point of clearing leaves from the drive way on the day like this?"
Watching the leaves carried away by the wind with the loud rattling noise, I asked him.
"Because the leaves blow into the garage and pile up otherwise."
I had a little chuckle at the way the leaves kept escaping from the dustpan as I heard that.

ここのところ、風の強い日が数日続いているから落ち葉や小枝があちこちに飛んでいる。
午後、ワタシが買い物に出るのに身支度をしていると、ウチのダンナ様が家の私道、特に車庫の前を掃いているのが見えた。
「こんな日に私道の落ち葉を掃きとるなんて、無駄じゃん？」
がさがさ音をたてて風に吹き飛ばされている落ち葉を見ながらワタシがそう聞くと、
「そうしないと、車庫の中に葉が全部舞い込んで来て溜まるじゃないか！」
そんな事を聞きながら、ちりとりから葉が逃げ出し続ける様子にくすっと笑ってしまった。

Murphy's Law

2010-11-14T00:11:00.002+11:00

I was in Tasmania for the last 3 days to visit my mother-in-law for her birthday and came back to Melbourne this morning.

３日間、義母の誕生日の為にタスマニアに行っていて、今朝メルボルンに帰ってきた。

Actually I tried to write a blog article the day before the departure, but somehow I couldn’t go to the fc2 site, and then after a few unsuccessful attempts, I realised that the Internet and the Phone were both disconnected.

実は出発の前日にブログ書こうとしたんだけど、何故かfc2のサイトに行けなくて、何回か試したけどダメで。
気がついたら、インターネットと電話が両方切れていたのね。

I got the issue fixed as soon as I came home.
This was the first time I couldn't use both home phone and the Internet.
I’d never thought that it could be such a hassle to do without these things.

帰ってきて早速修理してもらった。
電話もインターネットも両方使えないなんて初めての事だった。
それがこんなに面倒だなんて、考えた事もなかったな。

Since I got the PC and could easily search phone numbers on-line, I’d been chucking the phone directory books, but this time I wished I didn’t.
The phone directory assistance only gives me the number if I already know the name of the company or the individual.

コンピューターもあるし、インターネットで電話番号なんて簡単に調べられるから、ずっと何年も電話帳なんて捨ててた。でも今回は捨てなければ良かったな、って。
電話番号案内では、会社名か個人名がわかっていないと番号を教えてくれないし。

For the first time in 9 years I realised that most public phone booths in Melbourne don’t have those phone directories, and that no one in my neighbourhood keep them either.

９年間で初めて気がついたの。メルボルンの殆どの公衆電話には電話帳がない、それに、近所の誰も電話帳をキープして置かない。

I was lucky that the petrol station (service station aka servo) just around the corner had one (and pay-phone).

ワタシは幸運にもすぐそばにあるガソリンスタンドに公衆電話と電話帳が置いてあった。

See, my lesson this time is that it sometimes IS important to hold onto something that you would think you’re never gonna use again. You probably are right, 9 out of 10 times you won’t – but there is always that 1 chance that you may need it.

ね、今回学んだのは、いらないと思うものでもとって置く事は、時には重要ってこと。
１０中９の確立でそう、多分必要ない。でも必ず１の確立で必要な事があるんだって。

Let’s say that you already have your personal phone book on your PC and your mobile phone, would you still keep your conventional address/phone book?
Perhaps you wouldn’t, but you should. The minute you throw your old phone book, either or both your PC and mobile phone break and you’ll lose all your contacts. Oops.
It’s called Murphy’s Law.
Funny thing is if you do hold onto your old phone book, you may never open it anyway.

例えばさ、コンピュータとかケイタイに自分の電話帳を持っているとするじゃん。その上にアドレス帳持つと思う？
多分持たないだろうな。でも持っているべきなんだろうな。
古い電話帳（アドレス帳）を捨てた途端、コンピュータもケイタイも壊れちゃったら、番号全部なくしちゃうよね。あっちゃー。
これが、マーフィーの法則。
（ちなみにこれは、「悪くなる可能性のある事は遅かれ早かれ悪くなる。」という意味の格言だけど、日常使われる時は、「起こる可能性のある事は遅かれ早かれ起こる」というニュアンスが濃い気がする。しかも、その「遅かれ早かれ」に重点が置かれていて、すぐに起こるか１００年先なのか誰もわからない。ずっと起こらないからまあ自分の生きている間は起こんないだろうぜと高をくくって準備をやめた直後にそれが起こったりする。。。なんて感じかな？）

Now the tech guy fixed the problem and said that the phone line will be problem-free for the next 10-15 years if not longer – should I still keep those books for the once in 15-year chance?

さて、技術者が来て修理してくれたし、少なくとも10年から15年は電話線に問題は起こらないって言ってたからね－その15年に一度の確立の為に電話帳持っておくべきだと思う？

Maybe I should.

とって置くべきなのかも。

Things that I can't help feeling from time to time. - 時々思ってしまうこと。

2010-11-14T00:08:00.001+11:00

When I was a child, I was told not to say anything nasty about other people. No matter how badly the other person treats you, you should still be polite to him/her and that would be the best way to show your dignity.
Do they really see it, my dignity?
No, I don’t think so. They’d probably just think I am a loser, or wimp.

子供の頃、よその人の悪口を言っちゃいけません、とよく言われた。
何をされても丁寧に接しなさい。それが、プライドを見せる一番の方法だと。
その人たちに本当に私のプライドが見えるんだろうか？
そうは思わないな。きっとワタシを負け犬だとか、弱虫だと思うだろうな。

There’s this thing in the bible that says ‘love thy enemy.’
This saying always puzzles me and leaves me wondering how an individual identifies another ‘enemy’, yet could love that individual.
That’s bullshit.

聖書には『敵を愛しなさい』という教えがある。
いつも変な言葉だと思う。どうすれば『敵』と思っている相手を愛する事が出来るんだろう？
そんなのインチキじゃん。

If I were to be polite to a person just for the sake of keeping peace with him/her on the surface and inwardly swearing and cursing that person, it’s as bad as being a backstabber, isn't it?
What if I were to be honest and talk through each other’s difference with the person, or if it wasn’t the possibility, why not should I at least straight things out?
Wouldn’t it minimize the misunderstanding?

もし、ワタシが見せ掛けだけの平穏を保つだけの為に相手に丁寧に接していて、心の中で相手を罵ったり呪ったりしてたら、陰口を叩くのと変わらないじゃん?
もしも、ワタシが本音でお互いの違いを語り合ったら。。。もしそれが不可能でも、問題だけでもはっきりさせられたら、誤解とか避けられるんじゃない？

I know that I’ve done it to many people and it might have upset some, but at least I never stabbed them behind their back.
If were to play nice to those people who despise me without single good reason, I would be a hypocrit.

それを、今まで沢山の人にしてきて、中には傷ついた人もいるだろうな。でも、ワタシは陰口だけは叩いた事が無い。
だってもし、ワタシが自分を適当な理由もなく嫌悪する相手にいい人面したら、ワタシはウソつきになっちゃうじゃん。

I would rather be called a bitch than being a real bitch.

本当のやな奴になるより、やな奴って言われた方がまだましだな。

Importance of space.

2010-11-14T00:07:00.003+11:00

I had the ominous migraine this morning so I took precaution to not going to work.
My body has been struggling to adjust to the sudden weather changes, and so far nothing too drastic has happened. (Thank god.)

今朝はいやぁな偏頭痛があったから、大事をとって仕事には行かないことにしたの。
急な機構の変化に、身体がなかなか追いついていけないけど、まだひどい状態には至ってない。（ほっ。）

I didn't do much last few days, apart from changing the design of both Japanese and English blogs to something more flesh and uplifting, which is also easier to read the text. I hope both my blogs look a bit better.

ここ数日、大して何もしてないなぁ。日本語と英語のブログのデザインを変えたくらい。もうちょっと新鮮で明るい感じでもうちょっと文字が読みやすいのにしたかな。
前よりいい感じになってるといいな。

What I've also done over a couple of weeks is changing the layout of my computer room and lounge. Previously those rooms felt a bit cramped and claustrophobic. Now it has the sense of space - actually the previous arrangement had more physical space, but strangely it looked rather...constricted, because furniture were so close from one to another.

最近二週間くらいの間に、コンピュータ部屋とリビングの模様替えもしたの。前はちょっと窮屈で息苦しい感じだったけど、今は空間みたいなものがあるね。
前のレイアウトのほうが実際のスペースは広かったんだけど、家具と家具の間が狭かったせいで何だか締め付けられた様な感じに見えたのね。

Having the right amount of space makes you feel more comfortable.

ある程度のスペースがあった方が、何かくつろげるなぁ。

Space could be quite deceptive.

空間って結構、見かけにごまかされるよね。

It's a sunny but windy day and...

2010-11-14T00:07:00.002+11:00

My motivation has been low for a few days. I don't blame myself because I am still recovering from the food poisoning or virus infection of some sort, which was why I skipped my blog entries.

I could have kept writing about same old story about my daily routine.
On the other hand I don’t have anything creative to write about these days either, so I would rather talk about something extremely boring.

If you are a woman, every now and again you’d feel like wearing some nice dress for special occasions, even if the special occasion comes only once in a blue moon.
A dress can be pricey, for sure. The price of a good quality dress in Australia isn’t much different from that in Japan.
Since I work at an op-shop I can find nice dresses at very, very affordable prices. However, dresses in Australia are made big and long. Basically those simple dresses I like are scarcely available in my size. Not anymore.

Someone told me the other day the Australian Department Giant called Myers used to measure up the customers’ size. Well, a custom-made dress must cost fortune but it is nice to have a place that cater to all sizes and individual taste, isn’t it?

Yesterday I saw a small-size KOOKAI dress at the shop. It was NICE, I mean, REALLY NICE. I didn’t mind it at all. Plus it was perfect for me as far as the size matters, but it was made for a leggy chick, not for a woman with short chunky legs.

There are indeed retailers that sell small size clothes, but all those clothes are made of cheap n’ nasty fabric that rips and wears out too easily. Who’d wanna buy that sort of shit?

They say; “Sorry, we don’t have big demands for that size.”
Well, let me defend my dear Australia by saying that this trend is not limited to this country, but any capitalist countries. Put it this way. It’s all about the size of the market.

Too bad for me. Never mind. I will survive without a fancy dress.

Not everything was good. I was sick in my stomach for the last 3 days or so, but there was one heart-warming event happened yesterday. A nice lady at work gave me a seedling of mint. It’s so nice of her.

Japanese wife's tiny frustration.

2010-11-14T00:06:00.003+11:00

Last night I got my hubby to check out some of the videos and songs I downloaded the night before.

昨日の夜、ウチのダンナに、おとといダウンロードしたビデオや曲を鑑賞させてみたの。

Those were of Southern All Stars and I could see he found ”ManP no G Spot” quite amusing as he commented on it saying, 'It's out there for sure'. But I think it was also because it had great guitar sound in it.

サザンオールスターズのだったんだけど、マンPのGスポットは結構面白いと思ったみたい。’イッちゃってる事は間違いない’って言ってたし。でも、ワタシはあの曲はかっこいいギターのサウンドが入ってたからだと思うのね。

As for other songs, he showed a little or no interest at all. I mean, he said he'll check them out closely later, but I doubt it - those songs to him all sound some western imitation, with no great guitar solo. A great song to him has to have that element.

ほかの曲には少しってか全く関心を持たなかった。後でよく聴いてみるからって言ってたけど、信じないね－彼にとっては全部西洋音楽のパクリに聞こえるだけじゃなくって、すごいギターのソロもない。彼にとっての名曲は、それが無くてはならないのね。

He is definitely not into ballads. I could see him inwardly saying 'bor-riingg' when I played back 'Itoshi-no-Ellie'. I could foresee it coming but it broke my heart :.( realising it's just as impossible for me to get him into ballads as making him eat Japanese food.

ダンナはまず絶対にバラードはダメ。『いとしのエリー』聴かせたとき、内心「ちょーつまんねー」って言ってるのわかったもん。わかってはいたけど、やっぱり傷ついたなぁ。（涙）彼にバラードを好きになれってのは日本食を食べさせるのと同じくらい無理だって事だもんね。

So I won't hold my breath waiting for him to check out the rest, you know.
I can't ask for any more than he can give me, and yet it's also true that there are times when I lament the fact that he has less interest in Japanese custom or culture compared to other Aussie husbands married to Japanese girls. :(

だから、彼が残りを聞くのなんて期待しない。ね。
彼が今ワタシに出来る事以上を求める事は出来ないし。でも、他の日本人の女の子と結婚してるオージーのダンナさんに比べて日本の伝統文化に興味がないのをみて、時々ちょっと悲しくなるのも本音なんだよね。

Having said that, I have to admit that he's the best husband I could ever wish for.

とは言っても、彼がワタシにとって一番のダンナ様である事も認めるけどね。

All that's important is to be there for each other...(寄り添う気持ちがあればいいのさぁ♪)

When I can't think of anything to write about - 書く事が思い浮かばない日には。

2010-11-14T00:06:00.002+11:00

Oh, what can I do. I've got nothing to write.
The resolution to write one article everyday was an impossible one. I really need some sort of inspiration to prompt something in my mind to write about.
Well, let me look around...

あぁ、どうしよう。書くことないじゃん。
毎日記事を書くっていうのはやっぱり無理だったんだ。
書くためにはネタを呼び起こすような、インスピレーションみたいなの必要だから。
待って、ちょっと周りを見渡して。。。

I see two bookcase on my left side. On the bottom of the bookshelf on the right there is the book titled MYOB software for dummies, which I flipped through few times when I was working in the financial department in a certain organisation and never opened since then. There are a few German self-teach books and a couple of dictionary I bought when I was 19. These, again haven't used for ages. Yet they're sitting there waiting for me to open them again some day.

ワタシの左手には本棚が２つある。右側の本棚の一番下にはワタシがとある機関のファイナンス部に働いていたときにちょっとめくった事がある『バカのためのMYOBの使い方』。その後は一度もひらいた事が無い。
１９歳ん時買ったドイツ語の勉強書や辞書も２つくらいあるね。こっちも何年も使ってないなぁ。
それでも、この子達はワタシにまた開いて貰える日をそこで待ってるんだろうなぁ（lol）

You must have few such things that you don't use anymore but keep for the sake of nostalgia, the memento of your past, so to say.

誰でも今はもう使わない物で、懐かしいからとって置いてるものあるはず。過去の記憶が形になったものとでもいうのかな。

There are other few which I believed that I'd never use again and threw away, then ended up regretting it; like those old junk that are still squashed in card board boxes that probably would never see the light again, but each one of them is somewhat dear to you and you'd be surprised how much you miss them if you ever chuck them out.

ワタシも他に、もう絶対に使わないだろうと思って捨ててしまい、後ですごく悔やんだ物がある。段ボール箱の中に押し込まれてる古いガラクタみたいに。もう日の目を浴びる事は多分無いと思うけど、一つ一つが何となく大切で、いつか捨てちゃったら、想像以上にさびしいんだろうなぁ。

All these things probably only stay as long as I live, some may survive in other people's hands but the memories that attached to the objects don't.
When my mum chucked the old wooden musical box I adored as a child it left me brokenhearted, it was a hut-shaped thing with a miniature water mill (wheel) on its front. It broke time after time due to me over-winding the wheel too many times. And each time it happened either me or my dad fixed it.
Just as I write about it conjures up the memory of the cat-shaped shoehorse holder, which played back this well-known music (that I can't remember the name) every morning when he took out the shoehorse. Then, as the melody ended with the 'click' the sound of the door slide-open followed and dad was gone to work.

こういう物もワタシが生きている限りのもの。他の人の手に渡ってゴミ箱行きは免れるかもしれないけど、ワタシとの思い出までは残らないよね。
いつか、母がワタシが昔っから大好きだった古い木のオルゴールを捨てちゃった時はすごく悲しかった。小屋の形をしてて、表にミニチュアの水車がついてた。ワタシが水車部分を巻きすぎて、壊れた事は何回もあるけど、そのたびに父か、私がなおしてたの。
こうして書いてる間も、思い出される。猫の形の靴べらホルダーがあって、毎朝父が靴べらをとると有名な曲が流れたのね（曲の名前が思い出せない）。で、メロディーがカチャっていう音と共にとまると、ドアの開く音がして父が仕事に出て行ったの。

I was obviously a musical box freak - it always marvelled me when I was at home alone and playing back all the musical boxes in the house at once...

ワタシは間違いなくオルゴール中毒（アルコール中毒ではありません）。いつも一人で家にいる時、家中のオルゴールを一度にかけて「すっごーい」なんて浸っちゃってたなぁ。

And my memories was amplified partly because I don't have them anymore.

ワタシの思い出もその対象物がもう無い事もあって、更に強いものになってる。

My struggle to become a good gardener.

2010-11-14T00:05:00.003+11:00

While Melbourne is still fairly cold, it's already time to set the clock 1-hour forward...YES, summertime is starting as of next Monday. How unreal is that!

まだメルボルンはかなり寒いけど、もう時計を１時間早くあわせる時期が来ちゃった。
そう。もう来週の月曜日にサマータイムがスタートするの。ウソみたいでしょ？

It doesn't look like the days are getting that much longer. Wonder what's it like to get up believing that I managed to rise early and realise it is nearly 8 o'clock?
We've had like 3 days or so of warm weather since Spring started. Cold spring with steady rainfall is not doing much good to the plants. The balance of water and sunlight should be right for the healthy growth of plants.

日がそんなに長くなった様には感じない。今日は何とか早起きしたぞ、と思ってらもう８時だったとか、どんな気分なんだろうね。
春になってから、だいたい３日くらい暖かい日があったね。
安定した降雨量があっても、寒かったら植物には余りよくないの。
水と日当たりのバランスが丁度じゃないと植物はちゃんと育たないのね。

I've checked the herbs that I sewed about a fortnight ago (possibly longer), and still no sign of sweet basil which is supposed to germinate within 10 days.
However there was a good news. I saw the tiny seedlings of coriander & parsley (see the pics.)

２週間ほど（もしかしたらそれより長いかも）前に種を蒔いたハーブの様子を見てみたけど、１０日間以内に出芽するはずのバジルが未だ全く発芽の兆しなしなのね。
でも、うれしいニュースが。
コリアンダーとパセリの新芽を見つけたの。（写真を見てね。）

Here's the photo of a tiny coriander baby...（これはコリアンダーのベビーの写真。）

and a couple of parsley babies...

（それから２本のパセリのベビーたち）

Aren't they cute?
（カワイクない？）

Well, I'm not certain how much longer the basil seeds will survive in the soil. Will they ever sprout or what? I ensured to use the well-drained, nutritious enough soil for the bed...could it be overuse of the fertilizer causing the damage to the seeds, like something called PH balance is not proper, as some experienced gardeners say.
I don't have much idea of which nutrients a certain plant needs and which fertilizer has whatever the particular plant needs...I wish my nan (or my hubby's nan) were still alive to give me the tips.

まぁ、バジルの種が土の下でどれくらい生き延びるかは分かんない。
芽がいつか出るのか、どうなんだよぉ？植える時に、土壌には水はけのいい、栄養も適度にある土をちゃんと使ったのに。
もしかして、肥料の使いすぎで種をダメにしちゃったとか？
よく園芸のベテランがいう、ペーハーバランス？がよくないとか。
ワタシにはどの植物にどの栄養素が必要とか、どの肥料にその植物に必要な栄養素が入ってるのかなんてあまり知らないのね。ウチのお婆ちゃんとか、ダンナ様のお婆様が生きてて、アドバイスくれたらいいのにね。

For the time being, I'll just have to wait.

今のところは、待つしかないね。

Weekend whinging and whistling.

2010-11-14T00:05:00.002+11:00

There’s this thing that annoys me when I want to burn Japanese video-clips or songs to CD/DVD. It’s that Japanese language isn’t recognised by NERO.
I downloaded whole heaps of songs and videos last night and somehow managed to burn them using the software called CD Burner XP. Excellent, I thought at that time – I said AT THAT TIME so you'd already know the word that comes next; "however". The DVD I burned didn’t play back on my DVD player. I speculate that the program managed to burn the files as they are and unfortunately those video-clips can’t be played back because there’s something in those files that my DVD player doesn’t recognise or isn’t compatible with.
Even the CDs I played back skipped and froze a few times.
I should’ve bought NERO Japanese edition so that there wouldn’t have been any such issue.

日本のビデオクリップとか音楽をCDやDVDに落とすとき、いつもむかつく事があるのね。っていうのは、NEROが日本語を認識しないって事。
昨日の夜、日本語のビデオと音楽いっぱいダウンロードして、CD Burner XP とかいうソフトを使って何とか成功するにいたったわけ。やったね！とその時は思ったワケ。その時は、って言ったからわかるよね。焼いたDVDはウチのDVDプレイヤーでは見られなかったの。
想像するには、このプログラムはファイルをあるがままDVDに落とした為に、残念な事にその中にDVDプレイヤーが認識しないものか、互換性のないものがあったんじゃないかと。
CDでさえ、とんじゃったり、かたまったりって事が何度かあったし。
多分、ワタシはNEROの日本語版を買うべきだったんだね。それならそんな問題は最初っから無かったはずだから。

I bet you anything that all those software companies deliberately make their products imperfect or incomplete so that leaves us consumers no choice but to purchase additional tools or products to suffice for our needs!

ソフト会社って絶対わざと商品を不完全か不完璧に作って、消費者が仕方ないから必要に応じて付加ツールとか商品とかを買うしかないようにしているんだと思う！

I guess I will rather just play them back on the PC and burn CD/DVD just to backup the data.

ワタシは多分ね、CDやDVDはパソコン上で再生して、焼くのはバックアップの時だけにすると思う。

It’s a nice warm day today, perfect for the AFL Grand Final replay, which indeed my husband is watching right now. He’s backing Collingwood (just for the grand final) and I can hear him cheering and yeah-ing in the lounge so I suppose Collingwood’s in front at this moment. (or aren’t they? I might go in and check.) Yes, they are.

今日は暖かくていい天気。AFLの決勝戦再試合にはうってつけだね－って実はウチのダンナ様リビングで今見てる。コリングウッド側応援してる（決勝戦の時だけ）んだけど、応援の声や「やったー」ってな声が聞こえてくるから今のところコリングウッドが勝ってるんだと思う。（どうだろう？ちょっと行って確認してみるか。）うん。勝ってる。

It’s only in the first quarter now and you’d never know if St. Kilda will bounce back. They did last week. Collingwood was dominating the first two quarters of the last game until when St. Kilda turned the game around and nearly snatched the win. Whew!

まだ試合の１回だし、セイントキルダが持ち直してくるかわかんない。
先週はそうだった。２回の終わりまでコリングウッドが試合を独占してた。それからセイントキルダがゲームをひっくり返して、もう少しで勝利を取り上げるまでは。ヒューっ！

It’s interesting to see how the game will pan out.

試合がどうなるか、楽しみだね。

Memories of my father-in-law.

2010-11-14T00:04:00.003+11:00

I was watching this documentary TV program 'Hawkins River' on Channel 7, which briefly showed the first Franklin River canoe trip completed by 4 guys (one of them is the dead father of my husband). It's also about the Green's Bob Brown's pursuit to protest against hydro-electric development.

Personally I'm not a big fan of the Greens (the Australian political party that has a strong say when it comes to emvironmental issues), but Bob Brown has a special spot in my heart because he was the one who named "Newland's Cascade", named after my father-in-law.

I know that it's such a tiny bit in the documentary that no one else would spot my father-in-law, but his whole family would recognise him instantly.

It was weird to see him on TV screen, who I've only seen on the photos and the 8mm video footage of the canoe trip. The details of the trip can be found on the biological story by John Dean "Shooting the Franklin"

If you love the natural beauty of Tasmania's wilderness, it's worth looking at.

- It always pays to be careful when your life is concerned -

Indeed, both my husband and his father worked for Hydro-Electric Commission in Tasmania. Somehow ironically, my father-in-law died in a workplace accident. He was a quietly confident sort of a guy and never thought such a thing could ever happen to him.

My hubby was only 18-month-old when his father suddenly disappeared out of his life. The beloved father who was always there for his wife and two kids didn't come home.
Explaining why he didn't come home was the hardest thing for my mother-in-law to do to my sister-in-law, then 3-year-old, the ultimate daddy's girl.

You know that tragic accidents happen often enough, and not many people care as long as it doesn't involve or affect them directly.
But the emotional trauma that those families carry and have to overcome is so deep and unfathomable.

It may not be relevant, but there are many young drivers, adventurers, blue-colour workers out there, who experience near accidents and yet always seem to survive.
They might feel invincible, but they aren't. We aren't.

Even a cat can use up its 8 lives, one's life isn't worth pushing its limit.

義父のおもいで。（えっと、前回の訳です）

2010-11-14T00:04:00.002+11:00

「ホーキンス・リバー」っていう７チャンネルのドキュメンタリーを見ていたの。その番組で、４人の男性による初めてのフランクリン・リバーのカヌーでの横断の様子をちょっとだけ見せていたのね。（その中の１人がウチのダンナ様のお父さん）
番組は（オーストラリアの）「緑の党」ボブ・ブラウンの続ける、水力発電開発への反対運動に関するものでもあったのね。

個人的にはワタシは「緑の党」（オーストラリアの政党で、環境問題に強い発言力をもっている）の大ファンではないけれど、ボブ・ブラウンには特別な思いがある。というのは、彼が、ワタシの義父の名前を取って、「ニューランドの滝」（フランクリンリバーの途中にあります。）を名づけた人だから。

確かに、ワタシの義父が出ていたのはドキュメンタリーのほんのちょっとで、誰も気づかないだろうけど、彼の家族全員は即気がつくだろうなぁ。

ワタシが、写真とか、あのカヌートリップの時の８ミリビデオでしか見た事のない義父を、テレビ画面で見るのは何とも妙な気分だったなぁ。
その、カヌートリップの全容は、ジョン・ディーン（そのトリップの企画者）の事実に基づいた著書、「フランクリン（リバー）に挑戦する？」に乗ってる。

タスマニアの自然の美しさを愛する人には、一読の価値あり。

－自分の生死がかかわる事にはいつも注意をするに限った事は無い－

実は、ウチのダンナ様も、義父もタスマニアの水力発電委員会（っていうよりハイドロタスマニア水力発電会社です。）で働いたの。皮肉とも言えるかも知れない事に、義父はハイドロでの職場での事故で亡くなったのね。
彼はさりげなく自信を持っている感じの人で、そういう事故は自分の身には起こらないと思っていたらしい。

義父がダンナ様の人生から突然姿を消したのは、彼がまだ18か月のときだったの。
いつも妻と２人の子供の為に尽くしていた最愛のお父さんは帰ってこなかったの。
その当時３歳で、思いっきりお父さん子だった義理の姉に、なぜパパが帰ってこないのか説明するのは義母にとっては一番辛い事だったって。

悲惨な事故っていうのはよくあり得る事だけど、自分が直接関わるか、影響を受けない限り殆どの人は気にかけないよね。
でも、残された家族が背負っていく、そして乗り越えていかなければならない心の傷の深さははかりしれないよね。

関係ないかも知れないけれど、世の中にはニアミス事故を経験してもいつもそれだけで済むという若いドライバーや、冒険家や肉体労働者がいる。
無敵に感じるかもしれないけど、そうじゃない。ワタシ達は無敵じゃない。

猫だって、8つ（9つでした）の命を使い果たすよね（諺：猫は九生－だから簡単に死なない）。人の命はその限界まで自分を追い込む価値はないよ。

Got ourselves a new phone!

2010-11-14T00:03:00.001+11:00

FINALLY!
I got a new speakerphone with an answering machine. ↓

Prior to that we were using this old speaker phone that somebody chucked out. It's grubby, I know.

Just in case if you think we're into scavenging, please take into account that it's not so uncommon in Melbourne for people to recycle something that neibours threw out on the street…although it’s illegal now that the chances we score free furniture or lounge suite will be less.

For 5 long years, this phone served its purpose and contributed to us saving a little bit of money, but recently it started having problems like, phone calls getting cut off, the voice isn’t clear enough, ADSL and phone-line somehow getting mixed up, etc, etc...

So there's no surprise that I'm so ecstatic that we’ve now got this new phone.
From now on, there's no more need to take calls from some marketing guy, sales guy, or someone who wants to conduct a survey.
And no more need to miss calls from friends who don’t have a mobile phone!

We still use some old stuff, but it’s also nice to add a bit of convenience in our life, isn't it?

Once upon a time there was a computer that is very slow but safe...

2010-11-14T00:02:00.003+11:00

3 days ago my computer started acting up. Although there had been occasional notifications of malware infected files, those files were supposed to be quarantined and the computer had had no other major issue until then.

So 3 days ago, my opera internet browser stopped loading pages. I switched off the router and switched it back on, double-checking it was connected.
It didn't solve the problem.
However, when I tried the same pages on Internet Explorer, they opened fine, which meant it wasn't anything to do with internet connection.

Since it had been a while that I was tossing whether to get back to using Firefox or not, I quickly decided to ditch Opera and installed the latest version of Firefox. It was then the problem started again - similar to what happened on Opera.
'It might be something to do with registry key,' I thought, without knowing much about what it is anyway. So I installed IObit AdvanceCare, a free computer maintenance software with registry cleaning function which I had used before.
After the supposed 'repair' operation, the Firefox seemed to successfully load pages that I opened, only to crash after a mere couple of minutes.
Firefox kept crashing like forever. Next, I considered the possibility of virus or malware infection, so I installed IObit security 360.

The computer was still acting strangely but managed okay through the next 2 days.
But as you know I knew that it won't take long for my PC to fuck up again!
That IObit kept telling me to download the latest version. I ignored it for few times, but I eventually surrendered to the pestering message and downloaded the newest version, which was, of course, infected.
My antivirus software stopped updating altogether and the PC didn't even download Windows security update files. I tried the system restore operation a few times to no avail.

I spent hours seeking solutions to one problem and ended in creating more problems that I can't fix - without re-installing the flesh copy of Windows.
It took a long time to complete the whole operation from creating back-up CDs to re-installing the XP to setting up the PC. I also tossed many files and CDs that were probably infected with malware.

My PC seem to break down or act up every 4-6 months, and half the time the problems were caused by registry cleaners.
So I kept it simple this time. No registry cleaner, no malware cleaner, but keeping only my antivirus software. And made sure to switch off Windows automatic update, as it often cause my old softwares to stop working.

What I learned from this time are:
1. Avoid using registry softwares. Unless you are an expert, you won't know what it's doing or whether it's deleting potentially important registry information.

2. Avoid downloading/installing freewares or sharewares, as those softwares have higher chances of spyware/malware infection. Indeed my PC played up a few times in the past because of some malware-infected softwares.

3. Windows Automatic Update - what I'm gonna do about it? Some of the updates are probably important, but how would I know which updates are to avoid installing?

I graduated from highschool 21 years ago, the year the era turned from Showa to Heisei, and that was the year I started using computers. At that time I was using two floppy-disk softwares called Ichitaro(word processor) and Hanako(I think it was a spreadsheet application). From the way I remember the PC was very, very slow; however, it was very, very safe. Well, it was the pre-Internet era.
I had used only those 2 applications before I first used Windows 95 for DTP projects. The technology development was shockingly fast - although there were still times where I had to use MS-DOS, it was the first time I used e-mailing system. (Actually I think the first Windows I used was Windows 3.1...)

Today, we don't know many people around who don't have a computer. But is it a convenience to have one or is it just another cause of headache?

Fact: We can't imagine living without PC but it is a cause of many headaches.

The hard disks thesedays have massive data capasity that you'd keep saving files after files. I ended up forever having to burn those backup CDs thanks to that. Actually it's my own fault not backing up data often enough. Floppy Disks sound like a thing of the past, but as a matter of fact, it's quite handy to have a floppy disk drive when you have to backup only a small data.

Wonder how other people deal with their home computer?

There's something beautiful about every season.

2010-11-14T00:02:00.002+11:00

A perfect overcast day, my husband's favorite weather.
'Yeah, perfect.' I reply to him without really meaning it.
Past 3 weeks were productive, this week, isn't.

I've been doodling around in the house, occasionally going about dancing for a while waiting for my energy and motivation level to lift, doesn't look to be helping at this point.
There's no point doing the laundry, today's not the right day for steam cleaning.

Do I still remember my noble resolution to do the housework properly two days a week? Yeah- but. I really hope the weather will improve soon, otherwise I can't do much other than vacuuming.

About 10 minutes ago I suddenly remembered the coriander, sweet basil and parsley seeds I sewn a while ago. To my huge disappointment they haven't seedled yet. The instruction told that germination will take 6-10 days. Isn't this about time?

Only time I truly appreciate overcast days is the time I weed the garden while I watch flowers, vegies and herbs thriving around me.
I'm becoming increasingly concerned about the herbs. It could've been easier to plant the seedlings.
It rained a little overnight and grass is still wet. I've totally forgotten about bringing in the yet-to-dry clothes on clotheslines, partly because I had no more space inside to dry the clothes (those in front of the heater are still moist.)

Strangely, as I go on whinging about how inconvenient the weather is, I started seeing something beautiful in the whole picture. :D

Wet clothes on the backyard Hill's Hoist
Weeds popping everywhere
Pop Pop Pop
Light Drizzle brushes against my cheek
In the lounge it's warm and snuggly
Moist clothes hanging on the edge
of a coffee table
With a gas heater lights up the dim room

It's something typical of this time of the year - and there's always something to celebrate or appreciate.

Now I think I know the beauty my husband sees in the overcast weather.

Who's playing in AFL Grand Final?

2010-11-14T00:01:00.003+11:00

I was so buggered after coming home and had a short lie down before the AFL preliminary final Collingwood vs. Geelong.

Magpies (Collingwood) beat Geelong Cats tonight by 41 points by completely dominating the first 2 quarters. They were ahead by 62 points by the half time, and then spent the remaining quarters going easy to save energy for next week. Very clever.
Skill-wise, their hand passes, goals were highly accurate. They also had this remarkable speed, ball control and body flexibility. Anyone would agree that they are a terrific team, so complete. If there’s one thing I don’t like about them, it has to be their cool-headedness, their games have this calculated feel, which is very clever, almost too much so that makes my teeth clench.

Tomorrow nights boys (Dogs) will be playing against St. Kilda.
Of course everybody except Doggie fans believes St. Kilda to win…and I think that’s the most probable scenario, too.
But…I keep seeing this funny premonition that it’s going to be Pies vs. Doggies playing in the Grand Final. (Well, it does sound sweet to imagine that.)

You could say that’s just my wishful thinking, but my heart somehow keeps telling me that it might happen, it might. So, while my husband was going on like; “Pies will still have to play against Saints”, I was mumbling “wait till the end of preliminary final...”

Dogs indeed, only had a week’s rest since the close game against Swans last Saturday and still have injury issues with a couple of key players, while Saints had full 2 week’s rest after winning the qualifying final against Cats on Friday the week before.
Providing all these concerns, it’s crazy for me to think Dogs could be in for the Grand Final.
But I guess, though, I am still allowed to dream, and I’m not gonna watch the game tomorrow night.

No miracle, but wasn't all bad.

2010-11-14T00:01:00.002+11:00

They didn't win. But I wasn't devastated.
Once I knew it was pretty much over for the boys, I made up my mind and watched the end of Bulldogs (for this year).
When the team was in front, I really wished it to last till the end, but in actual fact, it didn't take long for Saints to pick up their pace against Dogs and churned out 7 consecutive goals in the 3rd quarter. The final margin was 24 points (4 goals), but it could've been a lot worse.

Indeed, Dogs played a lot better than a few marginal wins they managed recently. They were more 'together' and gave their best shot despite the team's lingering issues.
They also have many excellent players. In order to maximise the team's chance for next season, I'd say Bulldogs has to sack Eade the coach. It looks to me that all he's doing is to kill the team's great potentials. Still, Barry Hall was a great addition to the team, while initially he was thought to be the Bulldog's biggest gamble.
It's true that he sucks really bad sometimes, but when he's on a roll, he's unstoppable. And I think he'd be most comfortable in Bulldogs, from the way that blue, red and white uniform suits him so perfectly - it's almost as if he's been in the team for a long time.
Hopefully the team will fire Eade and hire someone who can use the right cards at the right time.

Now, the season is over for Bulldogs.
Still, you guys did well and you're going to play better next year.

It was also the farewell game for two veterans Johnno and Eagleton. Rather a distasteful good-bye, but they both played fantastic.
They should be proud of themselves.

16-Sept

2010-11-14T00:00:00.001+11:00

I was sort of busy today, although it wasn't like I did any strenuous exercise or study. Just same old same old housework that any housewife would do. But I'm not your usual housewife but a really slack one, who normally doesn't do much housework but spend most of the day doing her own things like writing something for a blog, reading a book or two, and cooking nothing for tea. She feels awful when seeing her incredibly understanding hubby as he comes home from work with the most beautiful smile on his sweet face...

So I decided to spend at least 2 days a week doing housework properly.
And it still leaves me one day for myself only, which allows me to do whatever I want - the thing is, I mostly end up sleeping in all morning and slacking off, not spending the day productively enough. (Shame, shame, shame on you, dumbhead!)

There are many things I could do if I want to, such as studying English, practicing recorder(s), going to the library, etc. I did practice recorder a few days ago, but it's hard to keep up. My hubby has been working hard and not having enough time practicing his guitar part isn't helping either. - but I need him to earn money at the same time...I'm so sorry darling :(

Well, I've done quite well today, except for one small accident where I scorched my small saucepan as I was cooking rice.
It's a stainless steel one that is very durable, but the downside of it is when it's scorched it's hard to clean the dirt off.
I managed to remove most of that burned, blackened rice stuck on the bottom.

I used the following method:
1. Fill the scorched saucepan with water and add 1/4 cup of baking soda, then bring it to boil (Let it boil hard for a couple of minutes).
2. Remove from the heat, empty the pan and again, add some extra baking soda and scrub vigorously. - hopefully I burned some calories while I was doing it.

Then of course, I had to cook rice again from scratch - I was spewing.

By the way the main meal for tonight was sweet chilli chicken with black sesame seeds (I got it from chinese grocery) and pine nuts. I also added extra ginger and lemon grass. Loved it.

Borderline Films

2010-11-13T23:59:00.003+11:00

Last night while I was researching about old Japanese films and actresses, I came across with pornographic movies produced by Nikkatsu (Nippon film company?). The series of adult movies were called Nikkatsu romanporuno - romantic pornography.

These days when you hear the word 'porn' you'd think that's all about sex, which, I assume is true about recent pornographic movies. However, things were different in the 70s.

There were many porn stars in the 70s who later proved themselves to be real actors. Among them I saw the names of my favorite Jidaigeki stars like Yoshimi Ashikawa and Masayo Utsunomiya. They have this classy and dainty air that I've grown to appreciate.

I admit that many of those porn movies are flops but there are some real aesthetic, artistic movies with good story line.
I checked out some of them and saw the difference between real actors and plain porn stars. I bet that some talented, but struggling actors had no choice apart from getting themselves into the porn film industry back then. And, maybe that's why porn movies weren't just porn movies in the 70s.

Films like "Jitsuroku Abe-sada (Documentary of Abe-sada's crime)" and "Sekka Tomurai-zashi (Direct translation: snow-flower, farewell tattooing. English Title: Spirit of Tattoo)" are some of the best.

The former, indeed is based on the same story as Nagisa Ooshima's "In the Realm of the Senses" but some regard this so-called porn movie more highly than Ooshima's version - which makes you wonder: where's the borderline between art and pornography?

Some say art has no limit.
And it's a point that has been argued for a long time as far as I know.

So, here's my question: Could pornography be called a form of art?

Note: Abe-sada was a nymphomaniac ex-prostitute who murdered her lover by strangling him during the intercourse. She was carrying his severed genital when arrested in 1936.
It's said that she told the police "I loved him too much and didn't want anyone else to touch his member."

Dear Japan

2010-11-13T23:59:00.002+11:00

I’ve always loved books, however, I scarcely read Japanese novels except for those my friends gave me.
My next visit to Japan will be in October next year, so I’m planning to bring my books to Melbourne.

In my childhood, me, my auntie and my grandma used to all gathered around Hori-Gotatsu (even during summer) and watched the series of Samurai drams that were broadcasted by Channel 4 (Nihon Terebi)
I loved things from old days – like ancient Japanese literature and novels from pre-60s.

It was my grandma’s house where I spent most of my time in my early life, which was separated from my house by a fixed door. It was a small house with a very old-style lounge, sliding doors with paper and wooden frame, and something really traditional which name I cannot remember.

There was this Butsudan (family alter) next to TV, and on the other wall by the corner was a miniature Shinto shrine. And in the family alter was a black-and-white photo of an old man in formal Samurai clothing (Haori and Hakama) and hairstyle.

When told that he was my great grand-father, I was quite fascinated as well as excited.
Gee, he was a samurai. But the greater surprise was the fact that he was a Karou (chief retainer) in the Uesugi clan.

There are some really brainy people in my extended family who are specialized in Japanese literature. Despite the fact that I obviously didn’t have their brain, it explains why I was more into traditional literature and Samurai dramas as a child, unlike other kids of my generation: It came naturally to me.

Now it makes me feel somewhat ashamed and small.

But how strange is it that only 3 generations prior to me lived in Samurai era that has intrigued me all these years...and that I, a descendant of Samurai, is no one but an epileptic who lives in Australia.

How embarrassing is it come to think about it?

It’ll soon be autumn in Japan. Dear dear, how I miss Japan. I’m getting nostalgic.
Winter is also beautiful.

The elementary school I went to situated on the top of the hill, and from the top of the 6-story building, I could see snow-capped Mt. Fuji in the clear, shivering winter morning, and Bay of Sagami in the opposite direction.
In the dawn, I heard the whistles of the ships echoing from Port Yokohama.
Really, just 30 minutes from the center of Yokohama was a town with many old-style wooden houses, the family renowned for tea ceremony and old stores that still sell traditional musical instruments, Japanese garments, etc. Simply amazing.

...I also remember visiting Kanazawa in Ishikawa prefecture in the middle of winter. It was like 15 years ago and a heavy snow-storm hit the place on the day I arrived. The next day when the storm ceased, I stopped on the bridge where I saw men in traditional workmen’s clothes stepping into the freezing river and spread the kimono fabric over the surface of the water. Later I was explained that the process makes the color (dye) stay.

After that I purchased a calligraphy brush and some ink for my auntie who passed away over a decade ago. And I bought some exquisite Washi papers for myself to make some paper dolls.

That particular auntie was a strong, beautiful and smart woman, who was good at whatever she did. She was good at sport, the job she did at work, and taught flower arrangement and tea ceremony, plus was excellent at calligraphy. In my eyes she looked like a super woman and I was kind of scared of her as well as awed by her.

When I was little, she tried very hard to get me into learning calligraphy but I didn’t stick to the lessons...because I knew I wouldn't be able to get to her standard however hard I had've tried. What a pity it is.

In the future if I have a chance to visit Japan for a longer period of time, I would like to visit the remnant of Kurotaki castle (with my hubby) where my ancestor possessed for a few generations. It might be meaningless but it’s a romantic thought isn’t it…hmmm

Note: Horigotatsu is a sort of table covered by a quilt. It has a cavity where you can drop and relax your legs, and at the center of the cavity is another deeper cavity to place a portable charcoal brazier that keeps you warm in winter.

The precaution I need to take

2010-11-13T23:58:00.001+11:00

I feel a bit sick.
The symptom is cough, not sneeze.
The splitting headache.
It must sound like flu if you're a normal person, but to me it's perhaps associated with my epilepsy.
I often have bronchitis-like attack before an episode, which means the current symptom is a foreboding that I can't dismiss.
Well, I do have chronic bronchitis, but I've learned to control my coughs most of the time. Only when I cannot control the cough attacks, is the sign that I might have a seizure. (People who are used to seeing me working normally would say; oh com'on, cut the crap. But you see - I know my body better than you guys...)

Pity, I was planning to go shopping and do the thorough cleaning today, but I would rather trust my hunch and have a short granny nap until I feel better.

What's the best way to clean the dishes?

2010-11-13T23:57:00.005+11:00

I wondered as to how that detergent taste permeated into the tupperware.
The answer I came up was; I soaked it overnight.
After using it to put something like pasta sauce and curry, it's really hard to get the smell off plastic. The way I was cleaning it was, leaving it in the mixture of soapy water and baking soda overnight and then rinse it really well.

However, no matter how well I rinse it, the detergent residue that got right into the plastic is difficult to get rid of.
The thing I might try next is to leave it in the mixed solution of lemon juice and baking soda, that way it will be free from any toxin.

Green olive oil soap is good for nearly every cleaning job, but still not strong enough to eliminate the tomato sauce and curry smell.

An anecdote from about a month ago...
One day, I pan-fried a couple of slices of fish for tea (I can't remember the name - something cheap). After cooking I cleaned the pan extra carefully. However, the next day I cooked something else in the same frying pan. My hubby couldn't finish his meal, claiming that it had too much fish taste to it.
By that time I had totally forgotten what I cooked the previous night and just shook my head with my eyes rolling. Then I blankly looked at the frying pan - ah, of course. The Fish. I thought. No, it can't be...I faltered...but why else could he smell and taste the fish?

So here's a question remains. How the hell can I get rid of the food smell???

If you win $10,000, will you spend it or save it?

2010-11-13T23:57:00.004+11:00

1. Spend it. Because; life is short, therefore you should have fun while you can.
2. Save it. Life is unpredictable, so you should be financially prepared for what may or may not happen.

The answer. 2. That's what I more likely do. However, the idea 1. also tempts me.
Let's face it, I might die tomorrow, which means that I might miss out on the fun that I'd be able to have.

Is there anything I want that costs more than $10,000? I doubt it.
But I might need it for medical expense in the future. Might.
Hey, the fun will do me more good than the stress of having to not spend the money!

My mum was fanatic about saving (not so much so nowadays). When I was growing up, she didn't have any fun, no travelling, no catching up with friend over meal or coffee. She sacrificed part of her happiness in order to save more money.

There are many times I wonder what sort of money is enough for me to secure my future, which is a question to which I have no answer.
I've never been to any other country than Australia. To be honest, I don't want to be like my mum who sacrificed her pleasure for our family's financial security.
Besides I don't have any kids to support, or leave my meager possessions to.

So what shall I do with the money I have at present, it's probably enough for some fun - Shall I spend it now or wait a bit longer?

I guess I will wait a bit longer for a bigger fun.
But what would I do IF I were to win $10,000? - well I would spend some of it if the sum has extra zero - for sure. It would be fab to spend a long holiday overseas!!!

Hey it hasn't happen yet!

Bulldogs won by 5 points!!!

2010-11-13T23:57:00.003+11:00

Dogs played against Swans tonight. It was the very important game that determined whether they are through to preliminary finals or not.
Swans were 5th in the ladder and could be formidable sometimes. As a matter of fact, they defeated Dogs only three weeks ago and had been on a 5-match winning streak.

With many inexperienced players filling in for injured veteran players, Bulldogs on the other hand, won only one game in the last 4 matches.
You'd imagine how my hope for the win was very low, although I'd be lying if I say I didn't have tinge of expectation.

Since when I was in Japan supporting Nippon Ham Fighters, watching the games seemed to be a jinx to the team, and the same was also true with footy.

For the reason, I was so determined not to watch the game.
I knew it was a close game since my hubby kindly kept informing me a few times that the points were even again. But I ignored him and resisted even walking into the lounge, thinking; well, just wait until the game ends.

And they won. I was so pleased about not watching the game...what do you mean, you'd think. What I mean is, if I had've watched the game they would've lost.

The next game is against St. Kilda.
I'm not holding my breath over it, but...the miracle may happen, you'd never know...if I don't watch the game.

So I won't.

A little concern.

2010-11-13T23:56:00.001+11:00

When I was eating my lunch, I tasted something funny in it.
It was not coming from the curry I cooked last night, but from the tupperware it was packed in.

What I smelt and tasted was dish detergent. Yuk.

Believe me, I rinsed it off really well. Like most women, I'm almost pathologically particular about the smell of the dishes after washing.
These days I mostly use the green olive oil soap to do the dishes but occasionally use dish washing liquid because I have to use it up.

Anyway, the point I want to make is, it could be possible that the residue or smell permeates into those plastic tupperwares. I'd never noticed that with other materials. It's only with plastic so far, but still it's dangerous isn't it?

You'd never know what sort of harmful chemicals are in those detergents, and if it leaves that sickening aftertaste in your mouth, it couldn't be good for us.

It's like using chemical insecticides in your house, or those room deodorants using artificial fragrance. Sure, I could be over-fastidious, but wouldn't you like to know what danger you're exposed to, wouldn't you?
It's about awareness, being given correct information, then we can make our own judgment.

Whatever the ingredients are, must be relatively harmless to 99% of people, but there are still 1% who are allergic or sensitive to some of the ingredients.
I've had bad experience with skincare/haircare products, and even with generic medication. The ingredients printed on the labels appear to be the same as what I normally use and have no reaction from and yet, when I use those generic products my skin/sculp or body reacts against them...so what's the hidden difference? You'd have to wonder wouldn't you?

For the time being there's nothing I can do to change this unfortunate reality (that we are not 100% informed) but will have learn from bad experiences.

Size matters.

2010-11-13T23:55:00.001+11:00

It was a bad idea to have stayed up late to read books. I fell a bit sick last night after the close call and went to bed immediately.
In a way my occasional close call (body jerk) acts like a reminder or a reality check. Thankfully, after a deep good night sleep my body is rejuvenated.

This morning I had to do some weeding, which I had been procrastinating because of the incessant rain. Actually I enjoyed it - it was a nice feeling to go outside and breathe in the fresh air, and do something productive.

It has been a while since I started daily pseudo-Latin dance. I took a tape measure out of the cabinet and went about measuring my current size.
My waist line decreased by 5cm (aprox. 2 inch) but still not as small as what it used to be in my 20s.

While my thigh was chunky back in those days, my waist line never went beyond 60cm (23.7 inch)...but now the best I can do is going down to 63cm. This I suspect, is because of the water retention problem (my tummy is a slightly bit flabby).
The good news is that the size of my thigh is, for the first time since my teenage years, marked under 50cm! When my waist size was 58cm (I was 17 at that time), my thigh was over 60cm...the nightmare it was.

Well, so it's not bad. Indeed, not bad at all, because it means I have more balanced posture now than ever.

There's one confession that I have to make. I had a bad carb craving last night and gobbled up an entire pack of rice crackers!.
Imagine my shock and mortification when I saw the empty pack of rice crackers...

That, definitely needs to stop.

Late Night Reading.

2010-11-13T23:54:00.004+11:00

'I've been skipping the English pronunciation exercise for a while', I thought as I was watching channel 7 last night. So I took my voice recorder out of the chest of drawer and looked for something to read.

The book I picked was "The Self-Destruction Handbook". Of course the author isn't serious. It's all piss-take of those self-help guidebooks that are flooding in the market. (and I've got some of them, too. Such as Dr. Pill (sorry, I think I got the name wrong.))

Just as I said, it's not meant to be taken seriously, it's so absurd and you'd lol for sure, and yet, it's strangely compelling...because it guides you and challenges you, HOW FAR YOU CAN GO to destroy yourself.
If in any chance you get tempted into trying some of the help-tips, for fun, out of curiosity, this book is a potentially dangerous catalyst (:@)
You'd have to be the right audience in order to find it nothing more than a hilarious rubbish.

As you may guess from the photos above, the contents are fair bit controversial for us Japanese - unthinkable, almost. But these things actually happen here...not very often but.

Occasional LOL guaranteed.

The next book I chose was Richard McLean's "Recovered, not cured".

This is a self-expose book written by the artist who suffers from paranoid schizophrenia.
The ex-dope addict started hearing voices, it seemed like just another drug-induced illusion at start, but as the symptoms progressed, he increasingly became delusional. Those delusions to him felt so real and he began to suspect there's some evil conspiracy going on.

He was aware that there was something definitely wrong, but he couldn't trust anyone, because everyone around him was part of the conspiracy against him...another delusion.
The journey from the onset of symptom, to the gradual deterioration, to the struggles with the voice within his head and to the slow development of the trusting relationship with his doctor, is so painful and moving.
There are a few postings sent to him shown in the book, too. At times these postings reveal the inner voice that patients are hearing.
Richard, the author was determined to get himself back on track, and somehow recovered with the help of medication. Not cured.

This book uses his artworks effectively to show the flame of his mind at each particular moment. These are not quite aesthetic pieces but really something.

When I was in the writing course there was this schizophrenic guy who wrote some really violent, sexual stuff, a bit like Brett Easton Ellis.
Most of my classmates couldn't accept his style, as it was the very revelation of his delusion. But I personally find it very powerful and gripping.

Years later, my friend bumped into him in a suburb called Fitzroy.
Just like Richard who wrote this book, he got his life back on track with the help of medication. (I also have a good friend who developed this condition, at the worst time it was so painful to hear her talking, and I didn't know what her problem was until I read this book. Now she's recovered.)

Humans have many potentials,
Sometimes it's the ultimate enlightment,
or ultimate self-destruction,
Or simply being aware of yourself and living your own life.

Thinking about the weather and the environment...

2010-11-13T23:54:00.003+11:00

The flood being warned last night in the Northeast Melbourne fortunately didn't hit Reservoir (because it's a northern suburb). Instead it hit Ballarat.

We've been having rain fairly consistently through the winter and now into spring.
Heavy rain, strong wind and cold-than-usual temperature were the main features of this winter. (Am I right?)

I slept in today and woke up with sore neck and back - and turned on the TV and saw the images of flood in Ballarat and the earthquake that hit Christchurch in NZ.

The earthquake that hit Christchurch happened just past 4:30 in the morning, which helped people from getting died or injured. Only about 2 people were carried into hospitals for their injury.

Floods, earthquakes, windstorms, tsunamis...we've been hearing those words often recently. Suppose it's part of the extreme weather being talked about?
There are lot discussed about environmental issue, global-warming and such, but ordinary people like me don't know that much about them.

We do what we can to sustain our resources, reduce the rubbish, etc in our everyday life. Many households successfully managed to lower water and energy consumption.

Now, as for the water issue...
The development of desalination plants has been talked about for a long time - I remember I discussed about it when I was still in the ESL course.
Now it's already in progress. (The project started in July.)
With more rain to be expected, what's the point of constructing sea water desalination plant? Isn't our effort to save water enough?
Why didn't the state government use the budget to better the water-catchment system, which, may also help to minimize the flood damage?

It doesn't seem to me the most environmentally friendly solution to the water-shortage problem. It's against what the nature intended for us.
And they can't build the plant without using petrol-operated vehicles and machines, can they? Considering the amount of CO2 that is likely to add up to the current level, really, I don't know what they're trying to achieve.

Politicians' idea of sustainability is a little contradicted, what do you think?

Talking of earthquake, by the way, if it were to hit Australia's big cities like sydney and melbourne, I can easily imagine all the buildings and houses crumbling down in minutes.

And after the unwelcome wake-up call, will be the time for builders and construction workers to lift their game, yeah?